Friends depression has turned into alcoholism and is about to destroy his marriage

[Hands-On]

Hi to all - I am new here but need some help with a dear friend. He is a very charismatic person and I am concerned that if I approach him about his problems he will push me away – and I’m the only hope he has right now.

The last three years his dad (89) has become ill with symptoms like both Parkinson’s / alzheimer's. Rather than confronting the issue my friend has just gone into denial believing his dad will get better and everything will be ok. On top of this his mother has been putting pressure on him to do more for them including their shopping and even doing their weeks cooking

Recently his wife came to see me saying his drinking has gone from the normal 1 bottle of scotch a week to 1.5 to 2 bottles a day. He is no longer able to be amorous with his wife, his employer has had to talk to him about his slurred speech, and his grown up kids are no longer coming around Finally, after 18 months (and I am kicking myself for not realising sooner) she has decided to move into the spare room and fully intends to divorce him in the new year.

I know my friend well. If she leaves it will throw him into a deeper spiral, he will lose his job and everything else.

So I am here asking how I help them both.

• How do I approach my friend to realise what it going on and how it has caused him to drink without him getting defensive and pushing back?
• How do I talk to her about reaching out for help and not to give up on him yet (though it is her right and no one could blame her)?

Sorry for the length but this has been keeping me up nights.

[Cornstarch]

Gosh that's a tough situation.

I mean his father is not young, 89, he has lived beyond the average Australian. From memory average is 86-ish?

I suppose what I'm getting at is that whatever happens LOSS is inevitable. You are in a bind, because either way your mates are going to experience some sort of LOSS.

As for his wife she sounds fed up. I'm not sure you can really expect her to save him. I don't say that lightly, I was raised by two mentally ill parents and my Dad took his own life in July 2010, so I'm not being dismissive of the pain and the feelings of powerlessness. I totally get it.

I guess with my life experiences it has changed me. I see what I can control,

And what I can't.

It's one of life's hardest lessons.

Regardless, you are a wonderful mate to have.

It would be so easy to turn to the drink.

xxx

[Cornstarch]

P.S.

My paternal grandmother had Parkinson's. It is an awful, horrific illness.

I'm scared I'll get it too some days.

According to the scientific journals I have read, with my PTSD, I am %30 more likely to get it in the future compared to the average Joe.

Who knows what the future brings I guess.

[geoff]

hello, unfortunately they haven't found a cure for Parkinson's Disease just yet, it's in the pipe line but when they do it maybe a little too late for his father to benefit from it, just as it would be for me as I'm 61.
His drinking is being used to self medicate or to rub out any bad thoughts of what's going on, but ultimately this is only going to cause more trouble more so with his wife and then flow over to his mother, plus his work where he will be told to stop drinking or he will be terminated, which only adds onto all the other problems, so in other words it's going to be a mess.
If his wife tells him to stop his drinking, he will only drink more, the decision for him to stop has to be made by him.
Is it possible for his parents to go into respite and then a nursing home this will then remove the need for him to do the shopping, cook meals etc. and if his mother can still cook and look after the house then there are units attached onto nursing homes where she can live, so she can then visit her 89 year old husband when ever she wants to, in other words you have to remove the problem that may have caused all of this.
That's half the problem removed if it can happen, but it's his drinking which is his wife's worry now, and for him to drink 2 bottles of scotch per day is a hell of a lot of grog that is going to do a lot of damage to him, not that he would care at the moment, but it's also costing a heap of cash, so his wife has to firstly hide her purse, bank cards or any other way he can obtain money, and what you can do about his wage is something she has to somehow control, that's while he is working.
If she wants to divorce him why is she waiting until the new year, because unless he gets help for himself the situation will be no different, because anything she tries to do so that it will help him, he will only reject, the big decision has to come from him and there will not be any other way for her to help him to stop.
He is an alcoholic and for him to stop from 2 bottles a day done to nothing would need a tremendous amount of strength and good will and need professionals to be involved. Geoff.

[Cornstarch]

I am sorry for your Parkinson's Disease Geoff.

My Nana was young when she got it, not as young as Michael J Fox, but barely 50.

I am currently fundraising for neuroscience research into such horrible diseases as Parkinson's & Alzheimers, Schizophrenia, Bi-polar, Anxiety, Depression etc etc.

Good luck xx

[Cornstarch]

One last thing Hands-On before I run to the park.

I have a question for you.

How does an empath take care of themselves?

Because you're an empath.

xx

[Hands-On]

Hi Cornstarch

Thanks for your thoughts. I have a partner of 20 years who is my rock and my reason for everything.

My wish for the world is that everyone can have what I have but until then I work to make better what can be better,

Cheers

[Cornstarch]

You're set!

[Hands-On]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for the reply. Got me thinking that that I have to say something. I may lose a friend but at least he will be alive and where there is life there is hope. I was wondering about his wife's decision to wait and maybe there is still hope there too.

I had an idea while reading your post that if he will not get professional help on his own, and will not go with his wife, maybe I can get him going with me, If I can get the ball rolling maybe it will keep going by its self.

Interested if you think this may work?

[geoff]

hi Cornstarch, thanks so much for your concern, however I don't have PD at the moment and really hope that that's one illness I won't get, but your thought and worry was truly appreciated anyway.

hi Hands-On, I love that saying 'where there is life there is hope' and how true it could be, unfortunately there are times when we are in a situation where we don't care, and feel as though there is no hope in persevering, we lose that desire to want to continue on, big emphasis on WANT or there are times when we need to self medicate just to get through the day, hoping that tomorrow will free us from this illness so we don't have to self medicate, oh how much we wish this could happen, but unfortunately it's not that easy and why people just want to give up.
This chap is going through a very difficult stage, but if his wife can't get him to change his life-style then she has to make a decision.
I do believe that that's a very good option, because he will be more likely to go with you rather than his wife to the doctor and/or hopefully to see a psychologist and a great suggestion to talk about this with the wife, as long as he doesn't hear what you have to say, because if he does hear you then the brakes will be put on and nothing will change.
I only say that from experience, however sometimes it wouldn't matter.
You are a great friend and one friend that we all wished we had.
Please let us know and the best of luck. Geoff. x