22y.o. son with social anxiety disorder?

[Redselly]

I have a 22 y.o. son that has always been shy and hard to talk to who doesn't like social situations. As a teenager he got worse but we all thought it would be a phase but it is still getting worse. He has a small group of friends he stays with every weekend but as soon as they have other people over or a party he will come home, he has never had a girlfriend, he works fulltime and never drinks or does drugs. He use to be close to his grandparents and uncle but now he barely speaks to them, they say after about an hour with him he may warm up a bit but its hard work. He is always happy to come along to family gatherings but barely communicates with anyone. If anyone asks him questions he will only give a one worded answer. Sometimes he is ok but most of the time if I try have a conversation with him he is very snappy. He has a younger brother and sister who are 13 and 8. They get very upset because they think he hates them, he either doesn't acknowledge them or he snaps at them. My husband has had enough of him not speaking or interacting with the family at all and thinks he is rude but I think there is more to it. I don't think he knows how to talk to people, I think he really struggles and I want to help him. I just don't know how, I don't want to make him feel bad about himself and feel like something is wrong with him and think we don't want him around but it is affecting the rest of the family. I have suggested in the past to go and talk to someone about his shyness and he admitted it was a problem but didn't want to see someone. I feel really stuck in the middle of worrying about him and his happiness and the happiness of the rest of my family. I just don't know what to do or where to go, I don't know if it is worth me going and seeing someone to get their advice and then trying to get him involved but then that seems a bit underhanded and interfering?

[Zeal]

Hi Redselley,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear your 22 year old son is struggling with social situations, and is withdrawing. Despite the fact that he can't cope when others join the group, it is great that he does have stable friendships. With regards to relationships, I can relate. I am a 23 year old female, and I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21. My current relationship (second-ever) has lasted 1.5 years, and we're really close and happy. I wasn't able to be involved in romantic relationships until my mental health issues and self-esteem were properly dealt with.

It's great that your son works full-time, and that he never drinks or takes drugs. I have also never been a drinker or drug-taker. Based on your post, it is unclear as to whether your son is experiencing anxiety or depression, or a combination. It's also possible that he doesn't have a clinical mental illness, and that there is another explanation. Diagnoses aside, the key thing is that your son receives in-person support so that he can re-engage with family and be more content with himself and with life.

Seeing a doctor (GP) is often a good place to start. For tips on how to approach your son about help-seeking, I recommend this page: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-someone-you-are-worried-about and/or https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-a-young-person

If going to a GP first-off is a bit daunting, your son could start by ringing a helpline, such as Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636. It doesn't have to be an emergency for a call to be made. This is often a misconception people have. Here is some info for your son about what to expect when calling a helpline: http://au.reachout.com/calling-a-helpline

I hope you and your son can come to a consensus about seeking support 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Nikkir]

Hi Redselly,

Thank you for reaching out with your concerns for your son. It sounds like you have been through alot and feeling frustrated and alone in this. It is great that your son works and does not like to drink or take drugs and he does have some people that he calls friends and he has you and his family even if he is not engaging very much at the moment. I think Zeal made some good suggestions with the reachout links and Beyond Blue line 1300 22 4636 if you do want to talk to someone or get some more resources. There are many resources online and you can order the information as I have done and keep it on hand. You could offer for him to see someone, a health professional or offer the same support to him and see how he responds. Depending on your income I know there was help from medicare where you could get at least 6 sessions for free from a Dr's referral. It must be hard to watch him disengage with people that he used to connect with and I can see that it is affecting the whole family. I think you need to take care of yourself as well, to try to remain healthy and have some peace and perspective, doing things for yourself. You could encourage him to share on the forums as well in a subtle way 🙂 I can relate in a way but the young person in my life always picks the wrong people so in a way it would be good if he is keeping to himself rather than the wrong crowd however I do understand and hear your concerns. Please feel free to keep in touch with any of us or look at the resources online, If you need any resources or can't locate them please let us know and we will guide you to the links/ numbers. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best xx Nikkir