Wife suffering through severe postnatal depression.

[Turramulli]

Hi,

17 months ago, my wife and I became first time parents to a beautiful little boy who brings us both continual joy. I'd like to say that the pregnancy was a journey without complications, but throughout our pregnancy and for some time after we both went through upheavals in our life that almost seem like the memory of a fading bad dream in hindsight.

The prenancy physically was hell for my wife, we were living in a tent in the bush for some time while I desperately tried to build us a house on a friend's property (long story) before our son was born, we were forced to relocate interstate when she was 32 weeks, our son was born 6 weeks premature, we wound up completely broke (literally not even change for a coffee), and with a further month spent in the special care nursery once he was born we found ourselves with a very loose grip on any sense of control we had over our lives. Ok, sorry...I had to set the preceeding scene loosely, and this is still leaving many things out.

Needless to say, all of these events took their toll. Add in to the mix that we live rurally in a town where we have never made any connections with others, there is family but it is now highly dysfunctional, friends have faded, we have very little support, and you have a marriage that is now on the brink of separation.

My wife is suffering severely with PND. I do everything I can for her, I am willing to provide her with anything and everything she may need to get better. My sympathy and empathy is unlimited for her as I have lived with and fought serious depression for 19 of my 35 years. However, recently this compassion and willingness to do anything has taken a hit with several fights that have resulted in suicide threats that would be on my head as my presence in her life and lack of ability to get things exactly right at all times seem to be the biggest catalyst for her recurring breakdowns.

She refuses help, isolates all save myself who care about her, will not accept the idea of therapy and possibly medication as a step towards better health, and is slowly breaking down my ability to remain calm and caring as she refuses to discuss anything beyond expressing how exhausted she is.

This is all the tip of a large, ugly iceberg, but my word count is now almost at an end.

Please, I need to know that there is hope. I am being swept up in this and due to my depression I am fighting to hold myself together in any way I can. I am failing to see a light in the dark.

[MarkJT]

Turramulli, fair to say that you have a fair bit going on but well done on reaching out on the forums. You are not alone in your journey with so many mothers having PND.

Personally I don't have any experience with PND but I think what you need to do is make sure that you are healthy as you can be. Over the journey of life, you have experienced your fair share of depression. I would think that you would have your coping strategies down pat but you need to make sure that you keep up what you do to keep it at bay, as best you can. You must be your first priority as you will be no good to your wife or son if you are struggling.

Somehow we have to find a way to get your wife onto the forums or to ring the beyondblue helpline (among other services). If she is so resistant to seeing a psych or medication etc, do you think you could respectfully challenge her. You could challenge her to see the GP and outline exactly what she is feeling like, with you there. The GP will pick up some things and then tell her that she maybe or is suffering from PND. If she chooses not to listen to the GP and still deny it, you can say that he/she is a health professional and that she has always believed them in the past (presuming so). You could do the same thing with the helpline here or even to peruse some of the threads in the forums.

Rural towns tend to be pretty close knit set ups, are there any clubs there, like a bowls/cricket/footy/rugby? Even if you just became a social member, that would expose you to other people and be able to make some relationships.

I will ask some other Community Champions to see if anyone has experience with PND as I am really only giving you general ideas. Would love to see you get some quality assistance.

Please hold on as you have a wonderful life ahead of you with your family. Special times should be special times, not trying times.

Regards

Mark.

[White_Rose]

Dear Turramulli

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank for telling us your story and having the courage to do so. It can be hard and nerve-wracking to write in here for the first time. One thing I would like you to think about. You have written in here in a relatively calm and rational state of mind. No, not making light of your depression and worry about your wife. If you found this difficult, please consider how hard it is for your wife who is not in a calm or good place. Just a general observation.

Well you certainly have been through the mill in recent times. To keep yourself together, as the saying goes, shows your strength and love for your wife. Mark has commented on the need for you to look after your health and I most definitely second that. So with that in mind, when did you last see your GP?

I was given a very good analogy of this sort of situation. When you are flying anywhere the plane attendants always give a lesson on what to do if... One of the actions is to put on your own oxygen mask before looking after anyone else, which includes children or frail people. You cannot help anyone if you are falling over yourself.

So with this in mind, have you seen your GP, or any other health professional, lately. Please get yourself checked over as soon as possible. While you are there tell your GP about your wife's symptoms and ask for advice. The GP cannot, or at any rate should not, diagnose your wife's problem on the basis of your description, but he/she will probably have a good idea. Talk about the suicide threats. These should not be taken lightly. You may be convinced she is playing games, and this is most likely the reason,but not always.

PND is like any other depressive state in that it sneaks up and plays havoc with our brains. You have experienced depression so will have some idea of how your wife feels.

PND arises when a woman's hormonal system changes rapidly. Now that baby is born, mom's body changes quite rapidly and this can play merry hell with thoughts and feelings. Exhaustion is a given as mom is in constant attendance on baby needs, plus recovering from the pregnancy and birth. Your wife had a hard pregnancy which would have made a huge difference to her. Also the realisation of the responsibility of bringing a baby into the world can be daunting.

I had a mild PND after my fourth child was born. Usually it happens after the first birth. Talk to your GP as a priority and come back and talk to us.

Mary