Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[Jo3]

Hey Neil

I read your post in Community ??? (can't remember what the heading is) 

I'm sorry to read that you are in pain again with a new injury.  Damn it's frustrating isn't it?

I'm glad to read that things are going okay with your son and that he is just being a typical teenage boy - don't worry I have two that have gone through those horrible, yucky, answering back, stage. But I'm glad that he hasn't self harmed again.

Take care Neil

Jo

[Blue_]

Oh my gosh Neil! I can't believe this has happened, a bit late and I couldn't read through all of it because it hurt my eyeballs. It's great your son is doing better, that's so great to hear. 

I don't know if this will help, it sounds severe so probably not but I used to self harm as a teen because it felt good.. weird... true though and my Mum saw and the guilt tore me up inside and I never did it as severe ever again and tried my hardest not to at all. I remember when I was growing up, I wasn't in a loving environment like he is so I don't know but sometimes the hormones got too much and just went crazy an made me aggressive or sad and that very much could be it. If he's sensitive I can totally relate, wow I can relate. It could be things you don't even realise. Either way all you can do is love him even if you don't ever find out what it is that is bothering him. When I was in my darkest days all I wanted was for someone to see the pain on my face but it went unnoticed my whole life. I think your boy is going to do great even if he falls back into a slum he basically has the greatest support and love and that's all he needs. 

On a side note, amongst trying to figure out why I had depression I came across some articles while researching and some doctors say that self esteem and identity is the core. The love you receive from parents and people around you, the phases and changes you go through and this is where his identity will be shaped and these years are vital to explore and nurture the changes he goes through to find his identity and... I don't even know if I'm explaining this right... Anyway, this could be a part of him finding his identity and maybe he's a bit caught up with the changes, his hormones and things going on around him, it could just be a lot to deal with. I wish all of you the best of luck, you're a great Dad Neil, just love your son unconditionally, no matter who he is or wants to be. 

[Struggler]

Hi Neal

I read this entire thread and I can relate to your suffering.  When my daughter was about about 17 I discovered something that made me think she might be self harming but I wasn't sure.  I adopted a wait and see approach.  As usual young people don't open up to parents.  Parents are the last people they want to talk to about their problems.  Luckily nothing sinister happened as time passed.  I was putting too much pressure on her to succeed in school.  Now looking back I feel so guilty and ashamed for pushing her too much.  

Another mistake I made was focusing too much on the older one who was doing year 12.  I wanted her to get good grades to get a uni course she chose.  I am a single parent and there was no backup.  Although I tried to make it up to her, it was too late.  She just had her 25 birthday recently.  There is no closeness between us.  

I was struggling with workplace issues and I have no extended family or friend to tell me, "Hey, you are neglecting your younger one!"  

So I am glad that you are not making the same mistake and neglecting your other child.  It is good to hear your son is improving even though his attitude is loving to you.  One day he'll realise he is lucky enough to have a caring dad like you. 

Struggler

[Mares73]

Hi Neil it's great to see you have a few new responses above. I'm glad to hear things with your son appear to be improving. We are all hoping he is on & take comfort knowing he might not know it but we do-youd be the best Dad in the world! Well this is just a quick hello, I've been responding to people since this morning but I've been very down this week stuck in house with no purpose so I'm about tough to shops for few errands & face the world. Anyway I'll check in later. Oh & hey-theres friends and then there's FRIENDS- you know where you fit I hope & that your very special to me. Hope your days not too bad.  Talk soon. Lve Maresxxx

[MrsCam]

dont feel I can offer anything in the way of advice as I have no children of my own therefore have no understanding of what it is to be a parent but I just wanted to drop a line to say Im thinking of you and your kids. hope things are better for you all soon...

[Neil_1]

Dear wonderful people from this beautiful community that we have

Thank you all so much for sharing your posts with me.

It was great to hear from you Blue on this – as I don’t think I actually know your age, but you’re sure as heck not as old as me, that’s for sure.  So it was great to get your point of view on things and also the things that you went through also.

So yeah, he’s got his room that he basically hardly ever ventures out of – and he plays these on-line games with others, with speakers and mikes so they talk to one another about the game, the battle or the particular race they’re doing. 

What is amazing is that through the course of the evening/nite, you can hear him laugh out loud at some sort of joke that was made.  It makes me feel good and sad at the same time.  Good that he’s in a good place to be able to laugh – but sad that it’s through another medium where he’s finding pleasure, laughter and good times.  I know that’s me being selfish – because the main thing here is that for those times when I hear him, it’s great that he’s feeling that way.

Also it was mentioned a while back as well – that at least he’s home – we know where he is – he’s comfortable where he is. 

With our upcoming trip, it’ll be interesting to see how he goes with it all.

But with our daughter it’s so different.  She genuinely loves spending time with both of us – and boy oh boy, I absolutely LOVE these times.  She’s 13yo and she has some really lovely friends – and is just an amazing artist, photographer and massive animal lover.  Hence you see one of her 4 chookens as my current photo – Nuggzy.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mati]

Hi Neil,

I know it can be really frustrating for you guys and yes, I agree that the gaming is probably another addiction too, but I was hooked on online games for a long time too.

I have always found it really hard to find friends I could relate to (apart from in later years drinking buddies I used to go out with all the time and "forget about life") but in my early to mid 20s the online games started to really bloom and even though I never played the shooter games (that your son plays), simply for the fact that I suck at them, but I played all sorts of other ones, and the sense of community is incredible. None of my family couldn't really understand it but I just felt like I belonged. Depending on the game there are alliances, guilds or units that you join and you all sit there and chat over your mics like you're all sitting in a room together. Because when I started playing I was one of the oldest players and I sort of became like an alliance mummy and it was really nice. 

Later on after I met my hubby due to where we were living it was much easier and social to play an online game together, and had a community there, than go out and spend heaps on booze at the pub

Now obviously I have a family and simply no time to spend so much playing but my hubby still plays his shooter games occasionally, just like your son Neil, laughing, shouting commands and just "shooting stuff" to get rid of some frustrations of the day.

I still very much miss that "social" part of it, I am having troubles making friends apart from a few crafty friends I share some interests with..

So that's one thing for your son to watch out for your son Neil.

Teenage years are hard, I was always a model daughter and a bit too responsible, but my brother moved out when he was 15, and came home most evenings so my (not so very attentive) father didn't even realize. Yes I know it's frustrating that your son is not a bit part of your activities, but yes, at least he's at home, and all you can do is love him unconditionally, as already said, and be there for him no matter what (without trying to help too much, which can be the hardest bit sometimes)

[Blue_]

Haha Neil, I'm 22. 

I think I can give you some pretty good advice here. Don't worry about him being happy with his games, socialising AND playing and game is just an interest, the family makes him happy because you love him and when you aren't worrying about him (so that he notices) and he sees you living your life and being happy, it'll make him happy, even if it's just him observing. Do you know his interests or hobbies other than these games? Maybe like a favourite band of his or something? Something that would be really good for him that you could perhaps encourage even if you don't necessarily like or have interest in the activity (unless it's drinking or drugs, you can definitely put your foot down obviously) but encourage him (I don't know if he has a job or is a earning pocket mine type of guy but if he mentions or maybe you could suggest he work towards getting himself a ticket? Music, as you probably know, for a teen and for anyone is really important in healing. Ask him to bring friends over, I think you mentioned he said he had changed schools? Why don't you ask him if he wants to bring his old friends over for hangs? 

All you can really do is let this growing human learn and experience and much as you are willing within safe limits and be happy for him and help him with this growing process and be there when he needs you. 

[Neil_1]

Oh wow, thank you so much.

Mati – thank you for your post and what you described. 

Funnily enough, I felt goose-bumps when you wrote:  “… but my hubby still plays his shooter games occasionally, just like your son Neil, laughing, shouting commands and just "shooting stuff"  because you know exactly what I was writing about.  It’s funny – I’ve heard so many people on here respond back to say, “Yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about”, and you  Mati provided that instance for me.  Thank you.  

And your last sentence was in a fashion of what my psyche last told me:  “Be there for him, BUT don’t push him – don’t plead for him to tell you what’s troubling him because that’ll only make him back off even more”  And so, yep, we’re just doing the cruisey parent thing.  No other option.  🙂

Wow Blue – the advice you give out – you are going to become one TERRIFIC mum – that’s my call on this. 

You’re just 22yo;  I wished I had my brain functioning as well as yours does when I was that age.   Come to think of it, I wish mine NOW functioned as well as yours does.

Oh, his interests – apart from obviously computers and gaming – he’s been learning drums now for approximately 3 years and from the very start, he picked it up so easily.  All started from guitar hero – and his drum skill there was brilliant and moved on. 

He’s had weekly lessons from a great teacher for pretty much almost 3 years as well – plus had some tuition for it at school.  And he goes real good on them – the only trouble with this is, his absolute favourite music is Heavy Death Metal.  The kind where the lead singer is not really a lead singer – he’s a lead growler – or as his drum teacher says, they sound like the “cookie monster” – “COOKIES” – said very deep at the back of your throat.

This is where his true passion lies and we’re all for it and for providing whatever he needs in regard to this – he’s got a great kit setup, that is growing at intervals, mostly adding different types of cymbals, etc.

Adios for the moment folks

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Good to hear your son is doing well. I have my own video game addiction, though again, my passion was never FPS (first person shooters). I always preferred the puzzle platformers, even the insanely hard ones and RPGs (role playing games). I also have a weakness for anything mario, zelda or pokemon. I am quite excited for the new pokemon games coming out later this year, plus the new super smash brothers. 

The cruisy parent thing is the best tack to take. It is also great to hear that he is into music and is able to stick at it. You may need to invest in a soundproof room to accommodate his taste in music, but its still a healthy habit to have. 

GA