Advice needed - Please ....

[Neil_1]

Dear friends  

I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense.  I’ll try this.

Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed.  Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars.  I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us.  The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word.  That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy.  

Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again.  The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed.  

We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it.  The clever little bugga!   Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now.

So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition.   But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! 

He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted!   We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this.  There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him.  He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine.  

He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life.  (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.)  

We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us.  I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse.  

He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us.  

This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly.  

I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail.  I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. 

I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session?

I don’t know what to do.  I really feel helpless.    Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. 

Neil

[white knight]

yes Neil,  I was aware after I posted that the start of my response might be seen as a little ...mmm...blunt.  glad you saw through it and saw my intention.

Responding with love and care always.

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, just as John and WK are, but what mystifies me is that with all of your problems that are going on, either at home or away from home is that all of you are still able to support people on this forum so much, and I take this as being total gentlemen, with one hand holding down your own problems and the other hand typing away.

Kids go through fads in life as they grow up, but then there's something that could instigate another fad, such as playing with computer games and then onto getting his/her p- plates, which means that all they want to do is hope into the car, and then boy/girlfriends come onto the scene.

With my 2 sons well I always shake hands, give them a hug, and they are smaller than me and shaped like pencil figures and I also give them a kiss, but I have to say that none of this happened while I was depressed.

Yet my twin finds it hard to have a hug, although we shake hands, but Mum was a very affectionate person, so it's something that we never know how they will react.

Thanks John I'm 'happy as Larry' for explaining this well known saying, and Neil as we get older we start to look like the 'tin man' on The Wizard of Oz, everything starts to rust, sorry mate, and WK I liked your reply.

Take care. Geoff.

[white knight]

Dear Geoff.  you brought this 120 kgms man to tears. But we know weight has naught to do with emotion. But you struck a nerve. My dad never hugged me, never kissed me but he was the salt of the land. I dont want to 'flood' sites with poetry but I have to share with you all, our friends, at this time, a special poem about this very topic. Hoping Neil, it helps somehow. For one day your boy will rise up as a man and this era will change.

TO KISS HIS TEMPLE

There were some things I knew as taboo

to express my love but to question who?

to touch the pale face of my dad back then

when touching taboo...when "men were men"

For boys were male and "you cant do that"

jealous of my sister and that is that

that man couldnt hug his son for how he was seen

nowadays if you hugged your son- well, you'd be relieved.

And so my dad the salt of the land

wouldnt touch me even by hand

he knew he loved me and I him

with a wink of an eye from under his brim

Then that day we all regret came along

where watery eyes was met by song

and there he lie with an eerie smile

I be alone with him for just a while.

As I stroked his forehead cool to touch

I raised my head automatically as such

to kiss his temple of which I dare

I knew his mind was well aware.

Of all the kisses I missed

they gathered together in just one kiss

finally as his spirit rose and went

he left his love and hugs were spent

I never craved again heart be blessed

that tradition of males their love expressed

a kiss on his forehead way back then

ended an era when "men were men"....

White knight

[Neil_1]

I was going to come back with a smart alec quip to Geoff's response above - purely to lighten the mood my dear friends - but White Knight's poetry has made me buckle at the knees.

I don't know how you do it - you have an absolute gift and wow, i'm so glad you've found your way to this site.  Such beautiful poetry for each subject that your bring it too - relevant and emotional.

Ok, here's the quip to Geoff's post:

Geoff wrote:   "...and Neil as we get older we start to look like the 'tin man' on The Wizard of Oz, everything starts to rust, sorry mate..."

Neil's response:  "Things’ll only rust if you don’t use them.  🙂   :)"

[Mares73]

Dear Neil my special friend, I've been wondering how you are in yourself? And how things are at home. I think of you each morning & hope your coping. Lately given my Commission report & other things, I keep getting asked what support I have & I always reply my friends on Beyond Blue, a few of whom are like family to me-and I'm thinking of you when I say that. I started replying to as many people as possible yesterday as that's what I did prior to my latest upheaval. I hope the advice I provide helps someone as I'm not in the best state myself. Very lonely being home all day by myself so after the Commission process I'm going to look for work despite my husband saying he can't get hm by 6th to pick them up. So many families do this so he will need to support me to have a life. I guess you've read my comments of late-feel completely immobilized by what's happening. I found out he was working currently at a school up the coast but by now would have been stood down until the end of inquiry. I hope so much he didn't hurt anyone there but I know realistically he may have & I have guilt about that. Anyway this mag is for you Neil-you are an amazing inspiration to those lucky enough to have contact with you. I know this might is everywhere but I wanted to really thank you with all my heart for being such a close, special friend to me. Love Mares xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Maresy

Thank you for your thoughts and concerns about things here - and I also extend that to so many others as well - you dear wonderful people who've got so many demons that you're all fighting, yet you still have this amazing ability to reach out and ask me and support me.  It's just, damnit, I'm stuck for words.

There's good news - in that our son hasn't self harmed for a while now - two weeks, but hey, who's counting.  That's as far as we know anyway.

However, other things caused us to get him to the GP this week - and I waited in the waiting room while he had his session with the GP.  Anxious, stressed, nervous, tense, yep that was me.  He came out and I asked him, "Yeah, good".  That's as much as he said, except that he also said on the drive home, "in future, please save your money and don't take me to the doctor anymore".   And also the look that he gave me at that time - friends, I wouldn't be here now if the look was able to achieve what it was designed for.

Bye for now

Neil

[Mares73]

Hi my friend how are things? I think I've just WAY overstepped the mark in a post to one of our dear friends whose a regular but I had to write it & trust in the way it will be interpreted. It's Sunday & my household is in a strange sight. My husband whose taken the Priests abuse hard is sleeping after wanting to go and hurt him earlier. My kids know something's very wrong & are hiding in their rooms and I'm at a loss as to what to do. So here I am writing to you! Re your son-2weeks is progress-I hope so much the situation improves. You know I've heard my 15yr old daughter on social network sites and I really wish they were  banned as the allegiances that are formed and the in fighting over issues such as who weighs the least is so sad. In person I don't think they each have the guts to be so awful but behind a computer screen gosh it's a different story. Wish I had a DVD just to tune out this afternoon but ill have to try a book instead. Thinking of you Neil. As always, Lve Mares x

[Neil_1]

Hi Maresy

Thanx for your post - I know exactly what you mean, cause I think I may have done the overstep thing as well.  It's cause we both really care big time for this person.

My son is going ok this weekend, which is good.  He doesn't really do the social media thing so much - I really don't know what it is - but it's some kind of internet game of strategy and war kind of thing, and you get buddies to help you and you talk to them while online about the game.  My son isn't really into any of the other, you know, "he said", "she said" stuff - and my daughter absolutely hates all that kind of stuff as well.

I'm glad you've been able to talk your husband down a bit - but you know, I spoke to my partner about this and I would be possibly beyond control if I was in your hubby's shoes.  I know it wouldn't be the wisest thing to do, but some things just aren't right.

Neil

[Mares73]

My dear friend Neil-im sorry I have to bring this thread up again but as it's your only post it's the only way I can directly communicate with you.  Maybe if there's other issues you'd like to discuss or even just to provide an update on your son you could start a new thread as this one  is getting so long. But it's really up to you so sorry if I'm out of line & please always let me know. You have been in my thoughts particularly this week so I just wanted to ask how you are in yourself & how are things at home? I usually try along with you & Geoff to respond to people but I haven't managed to do that much the past week yet I can't help but notice how amazing you are in your ability to reach out to so many people seeking support. You are so generous Neil with your time & ability to provide such great advice & support. You are truly inspirational. So I'm just checking in on how YOU are & how your son is. I think of you each morning. Hope to hear from you. Lve Maresy xx

t

[Neil_1]

Hi Maresy

Thanx so much for this - I've said it before and I'll say it again, it really means so much to me when anyone reaches back out to me - and for you to do that Maresy, is always very special - as you already know.  🙂

I've actually got a couple of threads going on the Community Board area - so you can check in there with what's happening with me at the moment.  Not so good, physically, which then has major repercussions on my mental side of things as well - which screws me over real badly.

My son is going ok at the moment - still is stressing us out heaps with his attitude towards us, and school and - well, yeah, I guess that's a teenage boy.  But at least he's not self-harming anymore.  Um, actually - he's not - as far as we know.

But when I said, perhaps it's just a teenage boy syndrome;  I can never recall myself like that in my teens.  We always knew where we stood in our home growing up.  It was never violent or hostile, but it was just one of those households, that you respected your parents and yeah.

And for you to write me like this Maresy even means so much more cause I know how damn tough things are for you at this moment.  So thank you again my special friend.

Neil