Supporting family and friends

Pinned discussions

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

•

15-07-2016

•

41 unread

All discussions

Sorted by:

Start a conversation

Do I stay or give up?

replies: 4

I have been with my second husband for 13 years. I have 2 grown up daughters from my previous marriage, he has no children. He has suffered depression on and off over the years. He has sought help over the years, he has been on anti depressants for years and has had counselling. His mental state has affected me greatly, bringing me down to his depressive state. I feel can't continue like this. I have tried my very best to support him over the years. I want a happy marriage, with love and laughter. He goes into his depressive moods when I say something he doesn't like. It's now got to the stage, again, where I have told him that I can't go on with this marriage any more, that I want a marriage of love and laughter, and fun in the present, not dwelling on the past and thinking of the bad all the time. I am very angry with his behaviour. He no doubt has depression/stress and is undergoing counselling, but it's not the first time he has had counselling. I give him lots of suggestions (having suffered myself many years ago) but he doesn't stick to things. He starts talking of committing suicide, which I don't doubt he feels at time. I find I've lost my empathy. He has threatened suicide a number of times over the years, especially when I say I will leave. I'm sick of getting so low. Round and round we go, a vicious circle. I've now told him I can't deal with this any more as it's affecting our relationship. All he does then is cry. I don't doubt he's suffering but isn't enough, enough? Help please, because I don't know what to do because I do love him but I'm exhausted. He blames me all the time for asking him to do things "all the time" and then he gets depressed! I've told him he has to accept responsibility for his own moods/state of mind, not me. I'm sick of being blamed for how he thinks. If I leave (which I did before) he threatens to kill himself. Last time I called the police, he was taken to hospital but then released. This is all too much, especially when I have my father in a nursing home, and work stressors. I've given him an ultimatum - get to see a psychiatrist to re-assess his mental state and medication (not just the psychologist and his GP) and make a commitment to me that he will work hard to get better or we separate for my own well being. Is this too much to ask? How do I keep my own sanity, in addition to work pressures and family pressures?beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Living with my depressed fiancé

replies: 2

I have been with my fiancé for 3 and a half years now, and we only recently got engaged. He has suffered depression since before we met, and it has always caused problems between us from the start. My fiancé when he is happy is my perfect guy, I love him and we have so much fun together. But for me it's like walking on egg shells, we can be happy and having a laugh and if I say one thing wrong it throws him into a foul mood and i watch him spiral into someone that I don't even recognise… the things he says to me and the way he acts rips my heart out and can often scare me. All I can describe it being like, is like being stuck living with your worst enemy, living with someone that despises you so much that they will use every word and accusation they can think of to bring you down. I am trying to be strong for him, because I know it's the illness that makes him lose control, but I am almost out of strength to deal with the mood swings, the things he says to me stick in my head, and it's hard to shake it off and pretend I'm not hurt when he returns to himself and acts like nothing is wrong, and never apologises. He is on medication but he refuses to go see a counsellor. I don't think I can go through with the marriage if he won't at least try to help our relationship by seeing someone with me. Does anyone have any tips on how to get him to WANT to seek help?

My boyfriend is depressed and bulimic

replies: 4

My boyfriend is depressed and has been so for a while now. He also has an eating disorder which only myself and his mother know about. She doesnt seem to take it too seriously, I suspect it's out of denial and she chooses to be ignorant to how bad it actually is. Every time I try to explain to him the consequences of this and how it is impacting his body, he gets extremely angry and feels it's not my right to give him advice on something I dont directly understand. I cant tell my friends or family, I feel as though I'm guilty by letting it exist without actively doing anything - but then my hands are tied due his reluctance for help. He gets in such down and depressive moods, really mopey, whiny and almost as though he has not one ounce of testosterone in his body. He has also become very paranoid and fears death constantly. He rarely gets out and about with his friends like an average 22 year old would do and literally locks himself in a room while he binges on sweets and sits in a depressive state. I feel like I'm his mother at times, he becomes so sexually unattractive to me during these times as he reverts back to being so child like and needy. I love him so much, but sometimes its so difficult to keep the relationship going when he gets into these moods. He wont do anything for himself and I come home to a mess that I have to clean after work in addition to his other mental health issues. I feel as though I'd be a terrible person for leaving, however I see my life ticking away and I dont know if it's a dead end situation for me. I want to help him, but I dont know if I can. I feel helpless and not sure what to do.

Struggling with my depressed husband

replies: 4

I really need some advice. My husband of 16years was diagnosed by our GP with depression 2 years ago & has been medication since. We recent increased his dosage as it seemed to be losing its effect. I discovered yesterday that he stopped taking the meds about a month ago & didn't tell me. It became bleedingly obvious to me through his behaviour. & he has now started to be emotionally and verbally abusive to both myself & our 15 year old son. It's hard for other to see his depression as I think he has the atypical type. Add to this that he is from Italian background, & the issue is just swept under the carpet. Due to this, I am his only support person, & have stood by him to ride out the hard times in the hope we come out the other side intact. However, this recent turn of events has me really concerned - he actually believes he doesn't need there's anymore, & he truly can't see his behaviour & the impact it has. I'm so torn between leaving & staying, my number one concern our 2 teenage children, & my own health is suffering. Any words of advice on my dilemma would be much appreciated. I have a great psych I'm going to see tomorrow, but frankly, it's my husband who needs to be going.

Crisis point

replies: 7

I have been with my husband for 26 years and he has always had period of depressions, We have two boys who are grown. When they were younger my husband brought up the kids while I worked. We were happy most of the time. I never put pressure on him. I supported him.I loved him. The last 18 months he has been withdrawn and both emotionally and physically distant - going to work and returning home to his bedroom where he pretty much lived. He has the ability to make me feel guilty for expecting anything from him. This weekend it came to a head. I told him he has to engage more and he.has to decide if he wants to stay married to me. He has been doing extensive drives saying it helps him think. He started saying he was thinking of suicide. I got upset and called a mental health line for advice. When he skipped work on Saturday to go driving while I thought he was at work and sending me texts like say goodbye to the boys, the mental health people called the police to find him. They did and took him to hospital. He sent me text saying he will never forgive me and that we are getting a divorce among the nicer of his texts. Now he is awaiting assessment by a psychiatrist. I have been distraught, and beside myself. I feel guilt and fear. I think he will never forgive me, I am so tired. I am now afraid of what will happen next. I feel so alone.

Getting a depressed mate to keep in contact

replies: 2

Hi all, as a sufferer of depression myself I understand, but. How do we get a close friend who suffers depression and keeps withdrawing, to keep in contact. How many messages, emails, unanswered phone calls? we have shared hobbies, and close personal friendship, but he lives hours away, and we cannot keep running up there to check. is it ok to not keep calling so often? Are we doing too much? He is not suicidal that we are aware of. any thoughts or ideas?

I'm a dad-to-be with a struggling mother-to-be

replies: 4

Hi guys, This is the first time I have used an online forum. My wife is pregnant (12 weeks along). She has a history of depression, is lost in her career direction, and is now terrified of being a mother. All fairly normal themes obviously. She has complete melt downs (tears, yelling, darkness) almost every day. We have done a lot of counselling in the past and have more booked in. I really do understand her concerns and try to help her as much as I can. But it is having an impact on me. I really hate to admit it (but maybe it is good to say it anonymously), but I feel 'short changed' with life, that things could have been/should have been 'better.' I know this is all really self-centred, but I guess that is why I am asking for some help, but I feel weighed down and disappointed that every 'exciting' phase of life (children, wedding, etc. etc.) comes with all these blues from my partner. I find it frustrating that I feel I can't have an adult, mature, stable relationship and conversations with my wife. At the first sign of her doing anything 'wrong' at work, she falls apart emotionally when she gets feedback. I think it is all having an affect on me. I am worried that the cortison that must be excreted each time my wife is stressed and upset, will be heightening the stress levels in the baby and it will effecting the baby's development. Cheers MP

Help my depressed friend (long read)

replies: 7

So i've known John (not real name) since 2006 when we both came into Australia. He's a great guy with a lot of potential in him to achieve great things, but sadly has been held back by himself, or rather the depressive side of him. Lately however, its been so bad that he's barely living, all he does is eat at really odd hours, watch TV and browse the internet. He sleeps when the sun rises and gets up when it sets, and the whole process repeats. I've tried coaxing him to sleep on time, to have his meals on time, and while he agrees with me that he should be doing all that, he somehow just doesn't do it in the end. He always ends up defaulting to that vicious cycle. Its sad, because John always tells me how much he hates getting up or sleeping at ungodly hours, but at the same time it keeps repeating itself! In 2011 - 2012 I convinced him to see a medical specialist to have his depression checked out. From there, he was referred to a psychologist whom he had for about 4 months. The psychologist had a more practical approach to tackling his depression, he was told to do practical activities (set goals etc.) and basically to have a more active lifestyle. I did notice a small improvement in his mood, there was a sense of structure in his life. Then he complained that he was still having sad/depressive thoughts, he was then referred to a psychiatrist. He was put on anti-depressants (I can't remember which one it was) and the psychiatrist was more concerned about his thought process rather than being practical. So this continued for a good year. His mood was generally OK, but he still had his depressive tendencies and mood swings. Alas, at the end of 2012, he told me that he felt the treatment wasn't working for him, that it didn't 'fix' his depression and decided to quit, thinking that he could tackle the problem himself.

My dad has PTSD

replies: 2

My dad has PTSD, we have asked him repeatedly to get help but he is worried that an official diagnosis from a Psychiatrist will result in getting his bike/car licence revoked.. His condition is tearing our family apart and being exposed to it for over 25 years, has effected me emotionally, mentally and living with him has become unbearable and I am severely depressed. I am unemployed and as a result I can't move out and away from it, and get a place of my own. He would rather keep his licence than mend what is left of our family. My sister works overseas and we always used to help each other through it, but I have no one, as my mother lets him walk all over her, it's all she can do. We argue OFTEN, and sometimes it can become physical, but the verbal attacks hurt the most. It's got to a point where I no longer want children because I worry his attitude will rub off and me and I am terrified of treating my children the same way he has treated me. I am also worried that if I have children, he will lose his temper one day and possibly hurt them out of impatience, frustration, or taking his bad mood out on them. I have grown up understanding and accepting my dad for all he is, his strengths and his flaws, but he cannot accept my mother and I for our faults and he holds it against us when he is in a bad mood. Sometimes I fear him. My dad is beyond getting help or wanting it, HELP.

Helpless

replies: 4

My partner and I have been going out for 2 months. Everything seemed fine, until he stopped communicating with me. The messages began to be infrequent, to the point where we were previously consistently messaging each other all day and now if I'm lucky its now once or twice, sometimes even nothing at all. I began to think it was me and it started to have an impact on our relationship. He hadn't told me he had depression but as he was communicating with me less and I was starting to worry about what was happening with us he was honest about what he was going through. He also suffers from ADHD and he is in his early twenties which I have read is directly related to depression. He recently found out he was moving away to be with family for under a year, and I am unsure if this was the trigger as everything seemed fine before he was told this. He keeps apologising to me for dragging me into this, saying he is selfish and he's sorry when I talk to him about how his actions or lack thereof make me feel, but now this has made me feel like an awful person as I am aware he can't help it. We have decided we are going to do long distance as he is only a state away and we genuinely really like each other. But I have found it extremely difficult to deal with his behaviour. I am trying my best to stay positive about everything as I am a naturally positive person but it seems like I am upset every day. He has said that some days he gets so bad he completely shuts off from the world including myself and I feel that when that happens I'm unaware of whats going on. I have asked him to try and make a solid effort with communication as its the only way the long distance relationship will work but every time he says he will it just goes back to normal, 1-2 messages a day usually instigated by myself. I feel the need to be there for him by messaging to see how he is and try to uplift his mood but I feel foolish because I feel like it doesn't make a difference to him and I am hurting myself in the process of trying to help him. I feel its only going to get worse once he moves away which is in a day and I know it takes two to make a relationship work, especially long distance. He finds it extremely difficult to express his emotions and to talk about them, and he is extremely forgetful of arranged plans to the point where its hurting me. I have no idea how to handle this situation without getting hurt in the process. Please I need some help and guidance to help him but also me.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Do I stay or give up? replies: 4

Living with my depressed fiancé replies: 2

My boyfriend is depressed and bulimic replies: 4

Struggling with my depressed husband replies: 4

Crisis point replies: 7

Getting a depressed mate to keep in contact replies: 2

I'm a dad-to-be with a struggling mother-to-be replies: 4

Help my depressed friend (long read) replies: 7

My dad has PTSD replies: 2

Helpless replies: 4