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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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RM How to help a partner though anxiety when not living with them?
  • replies: 1

I have been in relationship for a while but my partner has hit that point where university exams, interviews and future has all hit them at once. Over the last few weeks they have become less and less social and we talk a lot less. As we don't live t... View more

I have been in relationship for a while but my partner has hit that point where university exams, interviews and future has all hit them at once. Over the last few weeks they have become less and less social and we talk a lot less. As we don't live together it is hard to see them but when we do they sometimes act distant and other times the open up to me and seek comfort. They have had anxiety/depression in the past but it would last a few days at most. This recent increase of stressors seems to have made it worse. I make sure I offer my support and try to make them feel more confided and powerful over their future (not buy saying it will pass etc.. but by saying 'you are a strong person and i believe in you) but I am not sure how best to help them when I am not with them Should I just visit them even though they say they dont want to see people? Or could this make them feel worse? Most of the advice I find for helping is based on people living together and expects you to have constant interaction with the person. Is there anyone who can give some advice?

Shazej teenager struggling with anxiety and school
  • replies: 3

My 14 year old son has been diagnosed with situational type anxiety disorder ~ he struggles with anxiety in groups of people, especially numbers over 5 or 6. He started high school just before the anxiety started, and after a number of months of many... View more

My 14 year old son has been diagnosed with situational type anxiety disorder ~ he struggles with anxiety in groups of people, especially numbers over 5 or 6. He started high school just before the anxiety started, and after a number of months of many absences, full blown anxiety attacks, tears and stress, we made the decision to try distance education, which he has done for 18 months. This was a relief in some ways as we didn't have the anxiety to deal with each and every day, and were able to use the strategies given to us by his psychologist. He has been able to go into shopping centres, walk the streets of a major city at peak time, still feeling some anxiety but coping with it. Late last year he decided he wanted to return to his high school, so we started to transition him just one day a week for a couple of hours. Some times we had success, other days we didn't. Again he wanted to try returning to school this year, so met with his school and they have advocated with a flexible timetable to support. First two days he pushed through those barriers, which for him the major hurdle is the nausea, but this week he has not attended for any time at all. Dad thinks he is putting it all on to get out of school, and has called him retarded and told him he's going to send him to the army. Very supportive. I have tried to talk to my son about building his resilience and pushing thru those barriers as I have seen him do successfully. I have removed some privileges to try and get some buy in from him also, and set some expectations that I think are reasonable in relation to attending school. The expectations are that he attends school for at least 2 periods 3~ 4 days a week but obviously that is going to be hard to support if his dad is angry and feeling frustrated that things aren't changing. A lot has changed in that he can go down the street, or go to a friends house for a few hours, and I can normally get him to open up to me or do some form of school work. He disclosed to me that he thinks that we would be better off without him because he just causes the family problems. I ask him if he was having thoughts around ending his life and he said no. But obviously I'm worried. He has been previously medicated for a short period but became aggressive and kept running off. His dad now wants him medicated again. I'm stressed, I feel like I'm forever in crisis mode, having to react when things blow up between them and smooth things over again. My health suffers because of this and I know I need to stay strong both mentally and physically for my son. But I can feel myself becoming anxious, worrying about what is going to happen from day to day.

MiAmor I need practical advice
  • replies: 2

I'm not sure what part of our story is relevant and what is not, please be patient with me. I was with my ex-boy friend for almost 4 years, we are both now 25. He was my first love, its been almost 2 years and I have dated quite a bit since then. I a... View more

I'm not sure what part of our story is relevant and what is not, please be patient with me. I was with my ex-boy friend for almost 4 years, we are both now 25. He was my first love, its been almost 2 years and I have dated quite a bit since then. I am however still very much in love with him. We broke up because my parents were concerned about his family (both well paid professionals,with there own set of anxiety disorders that has effected both their kids), the effect this had on my mums depression (her concern for me) put a lot of pressure on me. As well, I wanted more out of relationship; examples: 1.) He was unable to give gifts because of his anxiety, 2.) I wanted to move in and talk about being married. This is a simplistic explanation, I feel broken and overwhelmed when I think why I left. Logically I did the right thing, that does not change the fact that I feel I lost the best part of me. The break up was a shock for him, he didn't see it coming. After we broke up we didn't talk for almost 7months, during that time I have gone though grief and loss (I know he has gone through worse). After 7 months we made contact and chatted online occasionally, but limited to safe topics (art, philosophy, movies). We had one conversation about the break up, he told me about the effects on him (he stopped sleeping, eating, anxiety attacks, depression), as usual he didn't put it on me, just told me. Since then we have slowly built up more and more safe ground to talk about - we would never talk about our feeling for each other however. I think that would be very unwise on both our behalf's. Which brings me to now. He is more open then at any other point, particularly about his depression and servear social phobia. He is terribly lonely, feels he is under achieve and generally hates him self. He can't eat or even be in public with out feel judged and anxious. The reality is that the only problem he has is his anxiety, he hates him self because is anxiety and social phobias and this perpetuates them. Its crazy the fact is he is brilliant, and thats not over stating it. He is doing his PhD at one of Australia's best Universities, he is considered an excellent teacher, he has been published in journals, he is funny, good looking, kind - he is wonderful. But for him all of these good qualities simply compound the things he hates about him self. For example being such a good teacher reminds him how bad he is in social situations. For me its maddening. He has been seeing a councillor and he regularly challenges him self (then hates hims self for it). When we were together we didn't live together, I don't know if he hid his problems well or they have become much worse since we broke up - or my love haze blinded me to there severity. I have an autistic brother and a mum with depression, I think that dealing with issue like anxiety has become so second nature that maybe I didn't fully recognise them or eliminating stress was self selecting based on my pre-existing behaviour. I don't think he talks to anyone else, other then myself and his councillor. He is living at home while he does his Phd and his family also suffer from anxiety problems (including the dog). We now live many hour apart, I suggested once catching up but that lead to a melt down. We have in the last 2 years talked on the phone twice. Finally to my questions (thank you for getting this far): How do I help? I still want a romantic relationship with him in the future (I can't see my self with out him), but I am scared of what that means getting my self into. Also I would never ever put the friendship we have now at risk, this is for selfish reasons, he is the only person I can really talk to and intellectually connect and bond with. My life would be darker with out his conversation. So with that in mind how do I help? When he talks about his social anxiety what is the most positive way to respond? How can I identify a structured and constant ways of supporting him and help negate negative cycles. I feel all he needs to do is simply see him self the way people really see him, if he could see him self the way I do, he would never bow his head again. Thank you

BillBlue Time to leave? Or really push partner to get help?
  • replies: 8

Like the title says... I've been living with a depressed partner for several years now, after 6 or so happy ones. Trouble seemed to start when we had problems starting a family. After some years and finally turning to IVF we now have a 2 year old who... View more

Like the title says... I've been living with a depressed partner for several years now, after 6 or so happy ones. Trouble seemed to start when we had problems starting a family. After some years and finally turning to IVF we now have a 2 year old who is great. But the trouble never went away. I thought I was baby related and stuck with her again and tried to help. But 6 months or so ago she admitted that the depression is more than that. It is something that had troubled her her entire life and is very much related to her family. She feels that myself and the baby are the best things that have happened to her... but that doesn't help her depression. It still feels like she is unable to show me an affection/attention. Her energy is simply on her problems and baby. Which doesn't really leave me in happy position... I've been very supportive for years now with almost nothing in return and, if I am going to be honest to myself, I cannot do this forever. Then, of course, I feel guilty because I do realise that people with depression don't choose the way they act, etc. Which leads to the situation where she will not get help. She is very much against drugs as she had a bad experience on anti-depressants in the past and will not entertain the thought of trying that again. She will not talk to a professional because they will make her talk about her family which she just doesn't want to do. She sometimes says that she understands that I must have just about had enough and she wouldn't blame me if I left. That thought is tempting... but I don't really know how I could leave my child. But, on the other hand, how much of my life do I have to spend in what feels like a loveless and sexless relationship. Right now I am starting to realise I my only choices are to stay where I am for the sake of my baby and partner, while looking for other female friends for other needs. We have actually had a semi-open relationship for longer than the depression. Or, do I put a bit more pressure on my partner to seek help? If her baby and I are so important in her life, isn't getting help a better idea than me leaving?

LadyBlue Being "Ignored" but blatantly harrassed......yes it can happen!!
  • replies: 1

I'm 30 and have a (S.O.) significant other I've known since I was a child. We've been together roughly 5 years now, and the relationship is...turning stale We've had a rough go from the beginning where my SO's family is concerned and I am wondering i... View more

I'm 30 and have a (S.O.) significant other I've known since I was a child. We've been together roughly 5 years now, and the relationship is...turning stale We've had a rough go from the beginning where my SO's family is concerned and I am wondering if there was too much turmoil in the beginning that seems to have damaged a "healthy lift off" as far as starting our lives goes? My SOs mother was fine with me as a friend/neighbor/acquaitance, but when we moved in together, she stopped acknowledging my presense altogether. Wouldn't say my name, stopped waving at my Grandparents (who are her neighbors directly across the street), and started referring to me as a leach, dumb donuts, "her", refuses even to this day to acknowledge me without my SOs presence. If my SO is around, she's "normal", when my SO is nowhere to be seen she sticks her nose in the air completely. This type of narcissim has reached new levels. I've caught her referring to my family's business as crass and owned my a floozy (she's never met my folks before), I've had strangers come up to me and ask why "that woman doesn't like me?". I've tried emailing her, instant messaging her, sending a card to her to try and repair our "relationship". All have gone unanswered. This past year, she texted me Happy Birthday and that would be the ONLY time in 5 years she's reached out to me. She also has another child that's about 2 months older than me who follows the mother's footsteps to a T and treats me the same. I guess I don't understand if she dislikes me so greatly, why can't she just be cordial instead of taking the time out of her day to be obvious in her dislike? I've caught her watching me in my neighborhood twice. The first time she lied about it, and had her second child covered for her, and the second time I took photos of her bad behavior. I've never shared them, but they give me some solace - a reminder that I am not crazy!! I've never received an apology from her or the other child. They've supposedly apologized to my SO, but that doesn't help ME!! WHY does this poor behavior go unnoticed by other's, ie - their extended family, my SO, etc etc? I've sought psychological help because I am very depressed at this point. My SO is a heavy drinker and I am told that his Mother blames me for this. However, the Mother visits the bar every single Friday night and has for years and years. She would frequent the bars with her two children (before I came along) and party until closing. I have been told this by my SO. I thought I wanted children with my SO, but I am so afraid to move forth in my life that I feel stuck. Afraid to move forward, afraid to move on and it's taking its toll on me physically. I have never been treated this way before by a "Mother In Law" as someone's girlfriend. I never bite back, I never act a fool, and believe me I have acted out rashly in the past, but for whatever reason I feel like maybe this woman has some mental health issues that need tending to. She's 53 years old and acts like a teenager. Her husbands side of the family are not exactly fans of this woman and I've been told that maybe I'm asking for something that I really don't want.......Please help me with your thoughts on this as they are much appreciated. ~Ladyblue

Imagine Husband depressed Says he wants to leave Advice please!
  • replies: 32

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I ... View more

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I lead as active and independent a life as possible, working part time, maintaining the house etc).He has just told me he thinks he wants to leave me, he still loves me, but cannot cope with my illness and it's restrictions on our life anymore. I am devastated as this came as a complete shock.We celebrated our 21st anniversary only 5 weeks ago and he gave me a card signed always and forever and told me he wanted to go shopping for an eternity ring. We still love each other (he said this - not my assumption).There are other factors affecting his mental state at present, facing his own mortality after discovering he needs cholesterol meds for the rest of his life, work pressure and losing our beloved dog after 15 years.I have tried hard not to put any pressure on him, just asked him not to decide until his depression is back under control. He has voluntarily made an appointment to see a counsellor and is already on antidepressant meds which have helped previously.What I'd like to know, from anyone who has experienced his pain, is what I can do to help?I am not pushing him in any way, suggesting treatments or anything. I am trying to give him space but I told him the door is always open and that I will take my cues from him.I told him I will always be his friend no matter what, that I am not angry with him at all. I did say that I think at least some of the pressure of my illness is because he chooses to take on the burden to "fix" things and try and "take care" of me without my wanting/asking/needing/demanding anything. I've asked him to try not to do that, to stand back and wait until I ask for help if I need it, and maybe see that the burden is not as bad as he thinks and is not all coming from me.But I am absolutely heartbroken and I cannot hide my tears and I fear that I might be adding guilt to the awful pain he is already facing. I haven't said anything to anyone, I am hoping that this is the depression talking and that we may still have a future together but I feel like I am holding a tiny candle alight in a huge, dark room.Thank you to anyone who may be able to offer their thoughts.

eljaycee Help for my PTSD partner
  • replies: 10

I was helped by geoff last year during a hard time....that hard time has returned but I'm trying to manage. I have dropped in to the forums at various times just to read posts and the kindness that people show here. It helps when I feel lonely.... My... View more

I was helped by geoff last year during a hard time....that hard time has returned but I'm trying to manage. I have dropped in to the forums at various times just to read posts and the kindness that people show here. It helps when I feel lonely.... My person who I've seen for 18 months or so now, has complex PTSD and goes through periods of isolation. There seems to be more anger behind it this time which is why he says he doesn't contact me because he doesn't want to lash out at me. The lack of contact is stressful for me and I miss him and worry about him. He has told me is getting treatment, so I just have to trust him to contact me when he's ready. I just wanted to touch base with understanding people.

JMZ Depressed Husband?
  • replies: 3

I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have 2 children. We have had many struggles as most married couples do and have somehow remained together. I had bad depression after having children and sorted myself out with counselling. Anyway we seper... View more

I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have 2 children. We have had many struggles as most married couples do and have somehow remained together. I had bad depression after having children and sorted myself out with counselling. Anyway we seperated early last year due to constant arguments and the way he treats our youngest daughter to which I disagree and voice quite strongly. We got back together and planned a family holiday to america. Leading up to that he was still angry, moody and stressed with work and I just wanted him to leave but he would always use our holiday as emotional blackmail against me. Then 2 weeks before our trip he was made redundant...which was a blessing in disguise (well at least for a while). We argued while on holiday but came back and found time for each other again and had a lovely lead up to xmas. It now has been almost 5 months and he is still unemployed and we are having more issues. He is unmotivated to do anything, uninterested in friends, going out or having fun. He just sits in front of the tv. He seems depressed but how do you get him to see it? With our marriage problems he has seen a counsellor 3 times but cancelled remaining appointments. I have zero tolerance for his moods and abusive behaviour in this family. I am angry with him for taking his tantrums out on his family. He has no friends (well maybe 1). Does anyone have any advice? I am tired of living like this in this relationship.

BryonyC Need advice about my partner...
  • replies: 5

I don't really know what to say, my partner is going through a rough patch and won't go and get help or support...He is obviously in a dark place and the depression and lack of self confidence is making him very aggressive and argumentative. But only... View more

I don't really know what to say, my partner is going through a rough patch and won't go and get help or support...He is obviously in a dark place and the depression and lack of self confidence is making him very aggressive and argumentative. But only to me, everyone else sees the normal happy, chirpy, bubbly man that I love but as soon as he comes home he pretty much climbs into bed, turns on his computer game and tv and that's it until he goes to sleep. This has been building up for a while, he doesn't like to talk about things and he bottles them up and then has these breakdowns every time something stressful or unexpected happens or just change. Change really bothers him. He is very dyslexic, he has difficulty understanding and remembering things and because of this he was bullied and has a hard time at work etc etc but he loves what he does, hes a zoo keeper and he is brilliant at it because he has a passion for animals, but because he is better with the animals than the humans, he gets put down a lot by his coworkers and supervisors. Several months ago he had a bad car accident that scared him out of driving and so he had to leave his job, he had a bit of a meltdown and spent an entire week curled up in bed with a concussion...So while he was having this I went out and got him a job at a local zoo he could walk to and started car shopping... He enjoyed his new job a lot but when his first evaluation came up and they had a couple things they wanted him to change in how he worked. He instantly changed his tune, didn't like work, didn't like the people he worked with and believed they all hated him and were always nagging at him and having a go at him...None of this was actually true but to him that's what happened. So he ended up getting laid off pretty quickly...So again he had a mini meltdown and I got him and me a job together running a wildlife sanctuary (where we are now) and have been here two weeks, happy as larry but the car, job, move, everything has had a huge impact on him and he has become argumentative, aggressive, unhappy and today he turned around and told me he wanted nothing to do with me and to stay away. We have been engaged for nearly two years and known him for three...I have never seen him this bad, he is completely unable to hear reason or anything. I seem to have become the object of everything wrong in his life and he just yells at me all the time. He has serious self-confidence issues and thinks everyone hates him and that he hates his life.... Can anyone please help me in this? Advise how I can support him or what I can say to make it better because at the moment he is frustrating me so much with his self-hate that I am getting angry and snapping back at him and that just doesn't help anyone! I have been trying for what feels like forever to get him to believe in himself but it's like he is afraid to be happy incase someone or something comes along and ruins it. Has anyone gone through this before? I could really use some support. I have suggested going and talking to a shrink or just seeing someone to help talk through his problems (because i'm obviously not good enough) or even just seeing a naturopath to help his depression with a better diet and herbs... Thank you for reading what seems to have turned into an essay, I hope someone can relate and help me and my partner in this difficult time...We have something amazing here, a chance to run a wildlife hospital together and he is sabotaging it because he is afraid to be happy.

CSmith depression - what to do?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone. My boyfriend was diagnosed with a chronic condition at the beginning of the year that has drastically changed his outlook and quality of life. We have been together for two years now, but during this past year we have struggled to mainta... View more

Hi everyone. My boyfriend was diagnosed with a chronic condition at the beginning of the year that has drastically changed his outlook and quality of life. We have been together for two years now, but during this past year we have struggled to maintain the perfect relationship we once had. Despite my many suggestions for him to seek professional help in coping with his condition, he outright refuses to speak to anyone about it. It has become very difficult to stay positive and hopeful that he will get better and this has taken its toll. We love each other very much, and I understand that his condition is extremely frustrating and debilitating, but at times it is difficult to know whether he has given up on our relationship or whether he is just frustrated with his condition. I understand that we all hurt the ones who love us most, but his poor health has completely changed his personality. He was once a very caring and considerate guy who always loved to be outdoors, spending his time doing fun things, but now he has become quite depressed, often taking his frustrations out on me and no longer wanting to go on adventures or even let me know that he cares. The whole experience has made me become very anxious and at times depressed. I often feel that his now distant personality is somehow my fault and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with my anymore. It makes me feel very lonely and heartbroken. I guess the reason behind this post is to find out if anyone is or has been in a similar situation and if so, how did you cope? Thanks.