I'm not sure what part of our story is relevant and what is not, please be patient with me. I was with my ex-boy friend for almost 4 years, we are both now 25. He was my first love, its been almost 2 years and I have dated quite a bit since then. I am however still very much in love with him. We broke up because my parents were concerned about his family (both well paid professionals,with there own set of anxiety disorders that has effected both their kids), the effect this had on my mums depression (her concern for me) put a lot of pressure on me. As well, I wanted more out of relationship; examples: 1.) He was unable to give gifts because of his anxiety, 2.) I wanted to move in and talk about being married. This is a simplistic explanation, I feel broken and overwhelmed when I think why I left. Logically I did the right thing, that does not change the fact that I feel I lost the best part of me.
The break up was a shock for him, he didn't see it coming. After we broke up we didn't talk for almost 7months, during that time I have gone though grief and loss (I know he has gone through worse). After 7 months we made contact and chatted online occasionally, but limited to safe topics (art, philosophy, movies). We had one conversation about the break up, he told me about the effects on him (he stopped sleeping, eating, anxiety attacks, depression), as usual he didn't put it on me, just told me. Since then we have slowly built up more and more safe ground to talk about - we would never talk about our feeling for each other however. I think that would be very unwise on both our behalf's.
Which brings me to now. He is more open then at any other point, particularly about his depression and servear social phobia. He is terribly lonely, feels he is under achieve and generally hates him self. He can't eat or even be in public with out feel judged and anxious.
The reality is that the only problem he has is his anxiety, he hates him self because is anxiety and social phobias and this perpetuates them. Its crazy the fact is he is brilliant, and thats not over stating it. He is doing his PhD at one of Australia's best Universities, he is considered an excellent teacher, he has been published in journals, he is funny, good looking, kind - he is wonderful. But for him all of these good qualities simply compound the things he hates about him self. For example being such a good teacher reminds him how bad he is in social situations. For me its maddening.
He has been seeing a councillor and he regularly challenges him self (then hates hims self for it). When we were together we didn't live together, I don't know if he hid his problems well or they have become much worse since we broke up - or my love haze blinded me to there severity. I have an autistic brother and a mum with depression, I think that dealing with issue like anxiety has become so second nature that maybe I didn't fully recognise them or eliminating stress was self selecting based on my pre-existing behaviour.
I don't think he talks to anyone else, other then myself and his councillor. He is living at home while he does his Phd and his family also suffer from anxiety problems (including the dog). We now live many hour apart, I suggested once catching up but that lead to a melt down. We have in the last 2 years talked on the phone twice.
Finally to my questions (thank you for getting this far): How do I help? I still want a romantic relationship with him in the future (I can't see my self with out him), but I am scared of what that means getting my self into. Also I would never ever put the friendship we have now at risk, this is for selfish reasons, he is the only person I can really talk to and intellectually connect and bond with. My life would be darker with out his conversation. So with that in mind how do I help? When he talks about his social anxiety what is the most positive way to respond? How can I identify a structured and constant ways of supporting him and help negate negative cycles. I feel all he needs to do is simply see him self the way people really see him, if he could see him self the way I do, he would never bow his head again.
Thank you
