Time to leave? Or really push partner to get help?

BillBlue · ‎18-01-2014

Like the title says... I've been living with a depressed partner for several years now, after 6 or so happy ones. Trouble seemed to start when we had problems starting a family. After some years and finally turning to IVF we now have a 2 year old who is great. But the trouble never went away. I thought I was baby related and stuck with her again and tried to help.

But 6 months or so ago she admitted that the depression is more than that. It is something that had troubled her her entire life and is very much related to her family. She feels that myself and the baby are the best things that have happened to her... but that doesn't help her depression. It still feels like she is unable to show me an affection/attention. Her energy is simply on her problems and baby. Which doesn't really leave me in happy position... I've been very supportive for years now with almost nothing in return and, if I am going to be honest to myself, I cannot do this forever.

Then, of course, I feel guilty because I do realise that people with depression don't choose the way they act, etc. Which leads to the situation where she will not get help. She is very much against drugs as she had a bad experience on anti-depressants in the past and will not entertain the thought of trying that again. She will not talk to a professional because they will make her talk about her family which she just doesn't want to do. She sometimes says that she understands that I must have just about had enough and she wouldn't blame me if I left.

That thought is tempting... but I don't really know how I could leave my child. But, on the other hand, how much of my life do I have to spend in what feels like a loveless and sexless relationship.

Right now I am starting to realise I my only choices are to stay where I am for the sake of my baby and partner, while looking for other female friends for other needs. We have actually had a semi-open relationship for longer than the depression. Or, do I put a bit more pressure on my partner to seek help? If her baby and I are so important in her life, isn't getting help a better idea than me leaving?

Chris_B · ‎20-01-2014

Hi BillBlue,

Helping a partner with depression who doesn't want to seek help is difficult. It's important long-term that you seek assistance for yourself in coping.

There is a resource on our website, the beyondblue guide for carers, which includes a section on how to have non-threatening conversations with a partner on how to seek help: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/caring-for-someone-with-depression-or-anxi...

There are many different types of therapy that are available, your partner will not have to discuss her family if she doesn't want to. A couple of therapy types that focus on dealing with negative thoughts and emotions in the here and now rather than digging into the past are CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).

More information is available here, particularly in the resource at the bottom of the page, A Guide To What Works For Depression; http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/treatments-for-depression/psychological-treatments...

geoff · ‎21-01-2014

dear BillBlue, I can relate exactly to your situation as a large chunk in my 25 year marriage was exactly the same as what's happening with you.

There would an enormous amount of time where I would climb mountains to try and please my ex, do anything, achieve anything but our marriage was just a platonic one, as their was no love, no sexual love and little recognition, so it was just hitting my head against a brick wall.

Even when she was seeping in another room I tried absolutely everything to get her to move back into the same bed, even though I was really depressed I tried but failed badly. Geoff.

Mbuna · ‎21-01-2014

Bill,

I get how you are feeling. It is so hard when you love someone and they cant bear the thought of you even touching them. I am in a similar relationship. I have suffered anxiety for years. I think a lot of my problems are due to my marriage. I went through a major depressive episode a few years back and nearly lost the plot. It wasn't all due to the intimacy issues in our relationship but I decided that i needed to get myself right before I could work on my marriage. I manged to get myself physically and mentally back on track and now I am trying to repair our relationship. Its tough. I think women who are depressed develop a fear of sex over time. It seems to get worse as they get older. It gets to the stage where any form of physical contact that could lead to sex is repelled. The relationship ends up hollow and loveless. I speak to a number of people in situation similar to ours. They all tell me the same thing. Their partners have a problem but they don't want to admit it or if they do admit it, they have no motivation to fix it.If we want sex then that's our problem not theirs.

I have decided to give my relationship a few more months. If things do not start to improve, then I will be making the decision to move on. It wont be easy but everyone deserves the right to be happy. I have seen other people that have stayed in these sorts of relationships and they get all bitter and twisted. I don't want to end up like that. Every relationship is different and im definitely not advising you to leave your wife. Try and talk to her again. See if she will go and get help. If i find anything that helps I will definitely let you know.

Cheers

Mbuna

BillBlue · ‎21-01-2014

Thank for the replies guys. I'm not really wanting this to end... but I really don't know that I can live like this forever.

I do really feel the line "if we want sex it is our problem not the depressed partner". That really does cover the main problem. Even though they know they are depressed and it is affecting the relationship. They really don't want to own any part of it at the same time.

My partner appears to actually be angry at me because my doctor wants to keep and eye on my blood pressure, even though I am fit and workout several times a week. She feels that if I am starting to show signs of stress that it isn't all her fault... but, strangely enough, our relationship does seem to dominate my thoughts. I have supported family and friends with mental health issues in the past and been ok. But it is completely different when it is your own partner with the problem. That is the one person you are supposed to have to fall back on.

Honestly don't really know what I will do from here. Next time we talk and it comes around to breaking up I am going suggest again that she gets help first. Us breaking up will help no one, not me, her or our baby. I have been through that with kids before and would rather avoid that if possible.

geoff · ‎22-01-2014

dear Mbuna and BillBlue, now this is what happened to me and by no way does it mean that you do the same but that's up to you., however I still loved my ex but when the divorce went through and I moved into a rental property then I began to pick myself up and the depression slowly lifted.

I don't necessarily blame her for my depression because it goes back a long way, however within a short period I was feeling OK.

Again I not suggesting that either of you do this, as it's your decision. Geoff.

Mbuna · ‎24-01-2014

Geoff,

I think i get where you are coming from here. My wife took the Kids to Hong Kong a few weeks ago for 8 days. During this time i felt at peace with no anxiety at all. Now she is back the anxiety has returned. My anxiety is no longer chronic like it used to be. When I was at my worst it had more to do with my business, but I am sure the relationship issues did not help. We are not fighting and she is actually a lot more relaxed and happy since she returned. I don't blame her for my anxiety because now I understand the illness, I know its how I react to things around me that is the problem. I am like Bill. I genuinely love my wife and don't want things to end. I will keep trying to fix this but do realize that it may not be fixable. If I cant fix things, the 8 day holiday has made me realize that I will be OK should we decide to go our own separate ways

BillBlue · ‎03-02-2014

geoff said:
dear Mbuna and BillBlue, now this is what happened to me and by no way does it mean that you do the same but that's up to you., however I still loved my ex but when the divorce went through and I moved into a rental property then I began to pick myself up and the depression slowly lifted.

Geoff, I completely understand what you are saying. I was married for almost 10 years before this relationship. It really was the best thing for me when it ended. But I never would have thought so beforehand.

That is what is frustrating about this situation. It doesn't feel exactly the same. However it very well may end the same.

I really am not going to ever be happy just living with a partner like a flatmate. There needs to be affection there somewhere. But, as I've said, then I feel guilty because I know her depression is a large factor here.

At the end of the day, it cannot continue like this. If she will not get help I am not going to be able to help my kids by ending up as depressed and anxious as her. Something needs to change. Either she gets help for this, or I really will have no choice by to go... (Even knowing from experience how much this affects the kids later)

geoff · ‎04-02-2014

dear BillBlue and Mbuna, I hope that what I have portrayed to the both of you, hasn't made you both to decide on your future, but maybe it has shown you both the reality of your situation.

It's can be an awful chose as to what to do, but Mbuna with her going away for 8 days just reinforces on how you felt, and BillBlue to be in a relationship or marriage is to feel the warmth and love from somebody, and the thought for the safety of your kids is a high priority down the track for them.

We know that depression is such a debilitating illness and it spares nothing to all of us, it's not by any means our fault, we were one of the unlucky ones to be struck down with it.

I do love the way you both replied back to me, as you both need to enjoy some happiness in life at last. Geoff.