Need advice about my partner...

[BryonyC]

I don't really know what to say, my partner is going through a rough patch and won't go and get help or support...He is obviously in a dark place and the depression and lack of self confidence is making him very aggressive and argumentative.  But only to me, everyone else sees the normal happy, chirpy, bubbly man that I love but as soon as he comes home he pretty much climbs into bed, turns on his computer game and tv and that's it until he goes to sleep.

This has been building up for a while, he doesn't like to talk about things and he bottles them up and then has these breakdowns every time something stressful or unexpected happens or just change.  Change really bothers him.

He is very dyslexic, he has difficulty understanding and remembering things and because of this he was bullied and has a hard time at work etc etc but he loves what he does, hes a zoo keeper and he is brilliant at it because he has a passion for animals, but because he is better with the animals than the humans, he gets put down a lot by his coworkers and supervisors.  Several months ago he had a bad car accident that scared him out of driving and so he had to leave his job, he had a bit of a meltdown and spent an entire week curled up in bed with a concussion...So while he was having this I went out and got him a job at a local zoo he could walk to and started car shopping...
He enjoyed his new job a lot but when his first evaluation came up and they had a couple things they wanted him to change in how he worked.  He instantly changed his tune, didn't like work, didn't like the people he worked with and believed they all hated him and were always nagging at him and having a go at him...None of this was actually true but to him that's what happened.

So he ended up getting laid off pretty quickly...So again he had a mini meltdown and I got him and me a job together running a wildlife sanctuary (where we are now) and have been here two weeks, happy as larry but the car, job, move, everything has had a huge impact on him and he has become argumentative, aggressive, unhappy and today he turned around and told me he wanted nothing to do with me and to stay away. 
We have been engaged for nearly two years and known him for three...I have never seen him this bad, he is completely unable to hear reason or anything.  I seem to have become the object of everything wrong in his life and he just yells at me all the time. 
He has serious self-confidence issues and thinks everyone hates him and that he hates his life....


Can anyone please help me in this?  Advise how I can support him or what I can say to make it better because at the moment he is frustrating me so much with his self-hate that I am getting angry and snapping back at him and that just doesn't help anyone!  I have been trying for what feels like forever to get him to believe in himself but it's like he is afraid to be happy incase someone or something comes along and ruins it.

Has anyone gone through this before?  I could really use some support.  I have suggested going and talking to a shrink or just seeing someone to help talk through his problems (because i'm obviously not good enough) or even just seeing a naturopath to help his depression with a better diet and herbs...

Thank you for reading what seems to have turned into an essay, I hope someone can relate and help me and my partner in this difficult time...We have something amazing here, a chance to run a wildlife hospital together and he is sabotaging it because he is afraid to be happy.

[Chris_B]

Hi Bryony,

Welcome to the forums. It does sound like you and your partner have a great opportunity there, I'm sorry that the depression is taking its toll.  It's just as hard on partners and family sometimes as it is on the person experiencing it, but it's great that you're doing your best to support him.

Please take a look at this section of our website:  http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/caring-for-someone-with-depression-or-anxi...

There is a booklet there called the beyondblue guide for carers, it contains some useful advice about how to make sure your relationship doesn't become bogged down and focused on depression, how to gently encourage help-seeking, and how to make sure you take time for yourself when you need to.

Our Youtube channel also has some video stories about coping with a depressed partner:  http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLm88fe1MIuDZN8AI1NvEbaF3mfPs_RX-W/

Does anyone else have some advice for Bryony?

[Neil_1]

Hi Bryony,

Christopher has chipped in with some excellent resources for you to check out and I hope you can find some things in there that will prove beneficial to you.

It really sounds like a difficult situation you've got happening, but at the same time, what a wonderful thing that you're attempting to do with the work that you've both chosen.

When you are at work, are you at work together?  If yes, does he treat you the same at work as he does at home?

Um, he said today for you to stay away?  But don't you live together?  That's going to prove a little difficult.  You've mentioned that you're engaged and have been for two years ... with that in mind, do you have a date or plan for marriage?

I'm sorry to be hitting you up with a lot of questions, it's just that it will help to try and give you better suggestions and positive advice.

Do you have friends in common?  Or do you have family who might be close to where you are?  I'm asking this to see if it would be possible for someone to possibly have a chat to him about how he's going - what I'm trying to get at here, is to see if it'd be possible to get a third party involved to see if they could help him 'come around'.

Because it sure doesn't sound that good for you right now ... and I guess the obvious wouldn't work too well for how he is right now, and that would be to ask him to please see a GP to see if he can possibly some professional help?

Bryony, I don't know if I was of any help for you at all with this post ... and if I wasn't, please let me know and I'll see if I can try some other advice for you.

I hope someone might be able to chip in here with some actual 'real life' experience with this sort of thing.

Kind regards

Neil

[guest75]

Hi Bryony

I think if my wife had come on here about 2 months ago, her post would have been very similar to yours. I was acting very similar to your partner in that I was showing obvious signs of depression (mood swings, constantly feeling down about stuff, etc) and i didnt get help

What eventually kicked my bum into gear to get help was she took out an intervention order against me (temporary with just her on it) but with an application for a full one with my kids also on it.  The fear of losing my family made me sort myself out, i just hope the magistrate (and my wife) can see that when it goes to court in 2 weeks

Im not saying your partner needs the same kick in the pants - i was too proud to admit i needed help to ask for help.  But just stick by him, the hardest thing i've had to do is fight this by myself. He will need/want your support when he decides to get some help

Im sorry, that wasnt all that helpful, but your partner is not the only guy that depression has effected in that way

Matty

[EmmaJ]

Hi Bryony,

Thank you for your post. I can relate, my husband has been through very similar things. I too try to support him as best I can. I really wish I had the magic answer for you or could tell you how I coped, but unfortunately I don't have one for you. I don't know what to say, other than you are not alone. You really, really are not. It is the hardest thing to care and love someone who hates life and directs it at you. But keep trying, please...please.

I know there are days you want to give up, walk away or become depressed yourself - this is normal. It is a hard work, exhausting and thankless job, but he needs you now.

Hold onto the thought of you saying he is no longer the man you knew. That is all that keeps me going some days. I remember that depression has taken over my husband and this is not who he really is. I try remember the good days to stay positive.

Take time for yourself and care of yourself - if you fall over too everything will fall apart. Ask for help, support, love from anyone around you - it will keep you strong.

Lastly, your partner may not be able to say this to you right now but thank you for standing by him. He loves you very much. You are an amazing strong woman.

Good luck and if you need to talk I would love to help you anyway I can.

Em

[BryonyC]

Hi Neil, yes while we are working we are mostly working together as the hospital is in such a state it takes two of us to do most of the work...When we are working he is mostly happy, but if he gets a bit stressed out or feels like he is having too much put on him or has too much responsibility he freaks out and either goes quiet or starts ranting about not being good enough to do the work.  He keeps going on about how he cannot possibly be good enough for anything or to manage this place or to cope with anything because all he has known is bullying and being put down and he refuses to accept that we believe in him and that we know that he can do it. 
It's like the idea of us (me and the hospital owner) believing in him is a big joke, it's like he thinks we are constantly lying to him because he thinks it's impossible for anyone to believe in him.
And we do live together Neil, it was a bit of an awkward couple days, I almost slept in another room but that would have upset him much more.  We haven't got a date set for the wedding yet as life is pretty hectic but I have no intention of setting a date until he snaps out of this behavior.  My family are in Britain and his family are down south, we don't really have anyone near by and we do have friends in common but unfortunately he has upset several of them in the process of moving house and having his big breakdown in which he yelled at a few of them (they never knew he had these issues and were very taken aback by how he was behaving and how he was talking to me...They are all single older women who are a bit over men and weren't impressed with his tone at all)

When the owner is around, like with everyone else, he is happy as larry, but as soon as we are alone again all his emotions start coming out and he either rants on about being useless and unable to cope or not knowing what to do and hes scared that he isn't good enough at his job to cope with responsibility because everywhere he has ever worked he had no responsibility etc etc etc.

Problem is, he is panicking over nothing.  The reason it will take two people to run the hospital is that one will have to be outside doing the feeding and cleaning of all the animals and just generally maintaning the place.  The other, aka me, has to do all the office work, accounting, bills etc while doing rescues and while feeding sometimes up to 20+ baby animals on bottles. 
He is scared of responsibility and I've tried to explain that he has none, I'm the one taking on the hard work, he is just doing the same job he has always done and always been good at.  Why that freaks him out is beyond me, probably because of the change in environment or because the owner keeps pulling him aside for little pep talks and telling him bits and peices he forgot (which he automatically takes as a personal attack even though I have asked and it is no such thing)

Yesterday he didn't defrost enough rats (sorry guys) for the birds of prey and that sent him into a massive panic that he is not cut out for the job.  But it's because he only saw one bag when if he had actually lifted up one of the other boxes he would have seen tons of bags full.  But he had a total boy look, said there were none left, and than had a panic.  And he spent a good couple hours keeping me up last night whinging that he is not cut out for this. 
Again I told him that we didn't think he was incapable, quite the oppisite, but at this point I was yelling at him to grow up and stop being so childish and stop living in the past and man up and understand we are in a wonderful place where everyone supports us and everything is going to be awesome if he can just get his act together.

This probably didn't help his mood any, but I am sick of the negativity.  I am a positive person, I like to see the best in people and try and see the bright side in things and if something stressful or unexpected happens I just work through it like nothings changed.  This I think drives him more insane.  He accused me of being completely emotionless because I am so 'blase' about everything, so in his eyes because I don't let stress rule my life, I have a heart of stone.  Which is great.  But then sometimes he turns around and says he is jealous of me?  I  don't know if I'm coming or going some days!
 

If I can convince him to stop concentrating on the past and the bullying and get him to accept he is in a new place now surrounded by people who believe in him he should realise how good we have it!  I just don't know how to convince him without taking him by the shoulders and shaking some sense into him!

Sorry this is turning into an essay again!  Just have nowhere to get this all off my chest so it's nice to be able to write here knowing that he will not see it because he doesn't use computers...

Anyway, I have to start feeding the animals.  Thank you everyone for your replies, it helps to know that others have gotten past this before.  Hoping my partner will be able to as well!