Depressed Husband?

[JMZ]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have 2 children. We have had many struggles as most married couples do and have somehow remained together. I had bad depression after having children and sorted myself out with counselling. Anyway we seperated early last year due to constant arguments and the way he treats our youngest daughter to which I disagree and voice quite strongly.  We got back together and planned a family holiday to america.  Leading up to that he was still angry, moody and stressed with work and I just wanted him to leave but he would always use our holiday as emotional blackmail against me.

Then 2 weeks before our trip he was made redundant...which was a blessing in disguise (well at least for a while). We argued while on holiday but came back and found time for each other again and had a lovely lead up to xmas. It now has been almost 5 months and he is still unemployed and we are having more issues.  He is unmotivated to do anything, uninterested in friends, going out or having fun. He just sits in front of the tv. He seems depressed but how do you get him to see it?  With our marriage problems he has seen a counsellor 3 times but cancelled remaining appointments. I have zero tolerance for his moods and abusive behaviour in this family. I am angry with him for taking his tantrums out on his family. He has no friends (well maybe 1). 

Does anyone have any advice? I am tired of living like this in this relationship.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jazzmazz

Well done for posting this on the forum and also welcome to Beyond Blue.

You mentioned that you separated last year for a period of time;  was that due to the way your husband was being at that time?  Do you feel he's doing similar things now?

Was your marriage counselling around the time of the split or when you chose to get back together?  If he agreed to go to marriage counselling, my thoughts here are that he possibly does need to be seen by his GP, so if he was ok with marriage counselling, he might be ok to go see his GP?

Although having said that, this could pose a tricky issue ... in that if he doesn't want to go, if it appears that you may be pushing for him to go, then he might get his back up even more?

Do you think he knows that he's treating his family poorly?  You also did mention that he was treating your youngest daughter not very nicely ... is this still continuing?

I really don't know if my response has helped you at all ... I hope even just a tiny bit.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Jazzmazz, well it's so hard to tell someone that they have depression when they are in denial of it.

Was he made redundant for lack of work or did his temper cause it, and the answer to this won't be easy to find out, because to him it's because the firm was trimming down the staff and his temper wasn't an issue, however if he picks on your youngest daughter as well having arguments with you, then it's probably because of his anger, just saying.

I can see another problem here and that's he has seen a counsellor 3 times but cancelled the rest, and maybe this is because he didn't believe anything they said or asked of himself, as he wouldn't like to be questioned on why he was made redundant, and I'm sure that only a small amount of information would have been said to them, and nothing about your daughter.

Eventually it will hit him that he needs medical help, but that doesn't solve the problem now.

You could try and order all the printed information available from Beyond Blue, and it's under 'resources' at the top of this page, and it's free, but when you want to show him don't give him all the leaflets or pages at once, only because he may just throw them out or shred them, and you can decide which pages to give to him, and again I suggest a summary of depression, and maybe take a photocopy of these pages, hopefully this might work. L Geoff. x

[Pixie15]

Hi Jazzmazz,

Have you considered seeing a counselor yourself? It might be helpful. I did that myself recently and it was challenging but really helped. It can be useful to talk out your situation honestly with somebody who is not emotionally involved and understands depression.

Geoff's advice about getting the brochures is sound but until he wants to admit that he has a problem you will not be able to help him.

Trying to be helpful may be interpreted as attempts at control. This may just increase his aggression.

Your focus needs to be on yourself and your children. Keeping your own lives as 'normal' as possible. 

Don't spend your life watching him sit in front of the television.

Cheers.