depression - what to do?

[CSmith]

Hi everyone.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with a chronic condition at the beginning of the year that has drastically changed his outlook and quality of life. We have been together for two years now, but during this past year we have struggled to maintain the perfect relationship we once had. Despite my many suggestions for him to seek professional help in coping with his condition, he outright refuses to speak to anyone about it. It has become very difficult to stay positive and hopeful that he will get better and this has taken its toll. We love each other very much, and I understand that his condition is extremely frustrating and debilitating, but at times it is difficult to know whether he has given up on our relationship or whether he is just frustrated with his condition.

I understand that we all hurt the ones who love us most, but his poor health has completely changed his personality. He was once a very caring and considerate guy who always loved to be outdoors, spending his time doing fun things, but now he has become quite depressed, often taking his frustrations out on me and no longer wanting to go on adventures or even let me know that he cares.

The whole experience has made me become very anxious and at times depressed. I often feel that his now distant personality is somehow my fault and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with my anymore. It makes me feel very lonely and heartbroken.

I guess the reason behind this post is to find out if anyone is or has been in a similar situation and if so, how did you cope? Thanks.

[Pixie15]

Hi, 

As long as you are sure that your boyfriend knows what help is available that is all you can do. Your encouragement may just make him less cooperative. He will come to terms with his chronic condition in his own time. 

Two years is not a long time to be in a relationship. Relationships change over time. The falling in love is the perfect, soul mate time, which is a great experience but not sustainable in the long run. 

It might help to check out  Relationships Australia who I believe run courses and offer a counselling service. You might need to reduce your expectations below the perfect level if you want the relationship to last.

Try not to put your own life on hold. 

Peace.

[geoff]

dear CSmith, when someone you love so very much becomes sick or ill you try to help them, but invariably you seem to hit a brick wall.

There are a few reasons why this can happen, firstly they don't want to let you know how they are feeling or how bad their condition is because they don't want you to worry, or they feel as though there is nothing you can do to help them, or perhaps they just want to suffer in silence, so the connection between you both is tenable and on edge.

Without being too personal is his illness life threatening, or maybe requires an operation, and what will happen to him long term.

Even if it wasn't you the same would happen to anyone else, which just means he is taking all his frustration on the person closest to him, and unfortunately this happens to be yourself.

He is in denial at the moment, and this can happen to a person because they believe that perhaps all of this is somehow not true, or that they believe their condition will improve by itself, but there becomes a time down the track that he will change his mind and realise that he really does need help, not only for his illness, but also for his depression.

I am worried that you are going to fall into a hole, and that depression will take over, so I suggest that you also protect yourself and go and see your doctor and ask him/her about the Medicare package, where you can get 10 free visits to a psych.

I also urge you to keep us in touch with how he as well as yourself are going, because you will need support as well. L Geoff. x

[CSmith]

Dear Geoff,

Thank you for your message. Yes I definitely understand what you're saying about how a person might react/deal with becoming ill.

His condition is not life threatening, and surgery can be performed to amend the situation, but there are many complications associated with the surgery and no surgeon in Australia is willing to take the risk, especially on a young person.

There are many heart breaking stories I have read about other young men in his situation who, after having dealt with their condition for x number of years, took their own lives, because their health did not improve and their quality of life diminished very rapidly.

I do appreciate what you have said about him being in denial; I have honestly never thought about that! He does have his good and bad times. When he is feeling better, he becomes hopeful that he will someday improve, but the bad days take that hope away. I do hope you are right and that he does acknowledge the fact that he cannot go through this without help.

Thank you for your concern, Geoff. I will take on your advice and talk to someone about this.

Thank you again for your message. I really appreciate your help.

[CSmith]

Dear Daisy101, thank you for your message also. I appreciate your thoughts.

Yes I definitely see your point regarding my encouragement. I guess the best thing to do would be to take a step back and wait until he wants to seek help himself.

Thank you for suggesting that service. I will definitely find out more about it.