How to help a partner though anxiety when not living with them?

[RM]

I have been in relationship for a while but my partner has hit that point where university exams, interviews and future has all hit them at once. Over the last few weeks they have become less and less social and we talk a lot less. As we don't live together it is hard to see them but when we do they sometimes act distant and other times the open up to me and seek comfort.  

They have had anxiety/depression in the past but it would last a few days at most. This recent increase of stressors seems to have made it worse. 

I make sure I offer my support and try to make them feel more confided and powerful over their future (not buy saying it will pass etc.. but by saying 'you are a strong person and i believe in you) but I am not sure how best to help them when I am not with them

Should I just visit them even though they say they dont want to see people? Or could this make them feel worse? Most of the advice I find for helping is based on people living together and expects you to have constant interaction with the person. 

Is there anyone who can give some advice?

[geoff]

dear RM, welcome to this site, although it's something that you wish would never  have happened, unfortunately with depression it does.

Your partner seems to trying to do a large amount of activities which just seem to be slowly bringing him down, so he's caught up with 'how well will my exams be to get me ahead' and any interviews that he goes to depend on his results, so really all of this is unknown, and this will increase the stressor factor.

It's a difficult decision on whether or not to visit him, as everybody is different, so I could say yes interact with him, but most people with depression have reached out to keep any relationship, and here I am putting you in the background at the moment, but normally these 'friends' disappear because they can't handle the situation, so you are left holding the sword.

Firstly you are a real true friend in wanting to help them, so please take a bow, because there's not too many people who offer their companionship or support to them.

What I would suggest is that visit them either daily or weekly, but that's your decision, and if there seems to be too many problems then ease off, but you have to remember that their moods can go up and down, and if they seem to be annoyed they really don't mean it, because this illness creates different personalities within us, so it's probably likely that one day they are too depressed to even get out of bed, and you won't be able to get them up, no matter how hard you try, so you could just sit with them and not engage in any serious conversation, only if they start it themselves.

Depression is a curse, it destroys our personality, social ties, a relationship or even a marriage to the point where you want to separate because the pressure is too much, but what it also requires is for a partner/spouse to be able to understand what this black dog can do to change us.

I would click under 'resources' at the top of this page and order from BB all the printed material that is available, it's free, but very informative.

I really hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.