Does anyone relate? I am so lost

[KaraArtist]

I am a strong woman who has suffered chronic depression most of my life. I have come through some extremely dark times and survived. My family are well aware of my situation but often expect me to be super human.

We are a very close family. We help each other all the time in whatever way we can. However it often falls to me to take on the motherly role due to our mother’s own mental health issues often rendering her unable to cope with high levels of stress (unfortunately she does not realise she has a problem).

In November my younger brother (20 years old) attempted suicide. Since then it has been absolute hell within my family circle. He has played us off each other, shown disrespect, neglect and only has judgmental and hurtful things to say to us. He and I finally had a massive fight. He told me to never speak to him again.

All I could think about was how I held him in my arms after he attempted suicide, for hours, all the way to the hospital. How he leaned on me and asked me to save him. I am beyond hurt at the things he has said to me, the accusations he flung in my face and the complete disregard for all I have done.

I feel completely betrayed, alone and broken. How can I keep my heart from braking? I still want to be there for him but he is killing me.

The stress put on myself and my partner has reached a peak and I am suffering mentally and physically.

Is it ok to take a step back? Can I help myself and ask my brother to seek help from someone else for a time? I am open to any insights that anyone might have on this issue.

[JessF]

Oh Kara that is such an awful situation to be in, trying to stay human and loving for someone in pain when all they're doing is lashing out at you. I want to say yes yes yes it is ok for you to step back. You have to, for your own sake.  If for no other reason, will it help your brother if you end up getting sick and unable to take care of anyone, let alone yourself? Your brother is in a very bad way, but I am guessing he has some sort of treatment going on.  There is only so much you can do, and I would be saying this to anyone let alone someone who has their own life long depression to deal with.

[geoff]

dear KaraArtist, thanks for joining us and lovely to have you on board, even though it's under extreme circumstances.

Your mother is in denial and this doesn't help herself nor you or the rest of the family, so this is a major concern, and until she accepts that fact that she has depression, then she won't be able to move forward.

This has obviously created depression with in yourself, and that's understandable, so it wasn't necessarily caused by you but other mitigating circumstances, which is not meant in a legal way.

In other words because your mother was depressed it seems to follow through to the children.

What can also happen is that your brother who tried to commit suicide, feels that as you helped him, then he wants no more contact with you, only because you have seen him at his worst, as this happened with myself and my sister after a car accident, as I rang her, not my wife, and for some reason I felt totally embarrassed in seeing her again, because all the questions would be asked, why why did you try to.

I think you are right when you say 'take a step back', because you need time to get over your own problems, which does mean that you need the help of a professional, but not to stop posting on here, because your own personal situation is a worry for us.

You are fighting this from all angles, yourself, your mother, your partner and also your brother, and it's all far too much to handle on your own.

Your brother is in a precarious position, so I do hope that he does seek help, because you are not strong enough to take him on board, and I only mean this for own your protection.

I am concerned for you when you also say 'I am suffering physically as well', and I hope that it is nothing serious, however I do have my doubts and that something else is creating more problems for you. L Geoff. x

[KaraArtist]

Thank you Geoff and Jess. I’m glad to have found somewhere I can discuss this kind of thing without misunderstanding or no understanding. You have both given me something to think about. And offered me reassurance that it’s ok for me to make sure I get better too. I truly would be useless if I just fell apart because I forgot to make sure I was ok. Yes my brother is in a bad place right now, he is reluctantly seeking help but doesn’t always stick at it and unfortunately that causes him to lash out at our family. Geoff: I agree, there is so much in our families past that has led to where we are today, I don’t need to post my life story 😉 but you’re right on the money. Our mother’s past leads to her depression that in turn lead to a tough childhood for us that has most likely caused our depression. A cycle to behold. I’d been thinking that perhaps the fact that I helped him at his lowest was making things complicated. It’s also caused problems between me and my mother, obviously, as she feels like she failed him. It just sux, that that’s probably the case. Thank you for sharing your own story. To hear it through someone else makes it all seem clearer for some reason. I hope I can heal my heart and let him back in when he is ready. I have always been a fighter, it’s the reason I’m able to cope so well with my own depression. When I said physical I am referring to the way that depression can sometimes manifest itself in the body causing fatigue, flue like symptoms but finding no flue, migraines and just a general sense of poor wellbeing, I’m onto it though don’t you worry, doc is helping me get through it J. I fight and protect and I am tired. It’s time for me to take a break. I am going to step back. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

[KaraArtist]

Oh and “the stress on me and my partner” what I mean is that we are both exhausted, tense and sad for my family. We are not fighting, in fact he has been my angel through it all. But this pressure is causing him unnecessary stress. He is just like me, a fighter with depression. (Funny we seem to attract each other J) I worry for his mental health as well and it is unfair that he must go through this with me and have to bare the same torment. I feel guilty that he must endure as I do. But we will always have each other and I think if I get back to me, back to us then we will both be happier.

[Mares73]

Dear Kara, I feel very much for you. I have a similar family-I'm the eldest & have always had to be the strong one. And yes without going into detail, I'm sure you relate to experiencing a traumatic "childhood". And the word is in brackets because it wasn't really a childhood. As a guess-at age of 9 I was going on 30 in terms of responsibility & maturity.

My father suffered depression whilst also being a chronic abusive alcoholic & my mum was battling breast cancer most the time. I supported my Dad despite the abuse as he gradually declined & lived on drinking metho & abusing painkillers.

Two years ago despite the fact that I was experiencing depression, caring for my 2 children & caring for my husband who was battling acute leukaemia -my Dad committed suicide. I also found a short note to me that he couldn't go on living with his emotional pain.

I had sacrificed so much of myself, my children & my marriage to help him. I learnt that you can't help people who aren't willing to try, you can only let them know you care & be there for them if they sincerely reach for help. And we can't be the help-we can do things like look up GPs & Pyschologists on this site-because the ones listed have undertaken training by Beyond Blue & specialise in understanding & treating depression & mental illness.

Recently I had a complete breakdown-totally out of the blue-for the first time I couldn't identify a trigger-I just started waking up in tears each day, extremely distressed, unable to function to the point of getting dressed & felt I had absolutely no control over my thoughts.

This was terrifying as usually with my depression-if I feel really low I can escape in a good book. I might have to let a lot of responsibilities be put aside for a while but at least I know that & know reading helps. This time nothing worked & I was experiencing very serious thoughts of ending it all.

I'd never previously reached that point-yes I've experienced thoughts of wanting the pain to end & feeling I can't go on-but my children have always been my safety net-I couldn't do it because I couldn't ruin their lives so even though I've had times I wish I could sleep forever-I know I can't act on them. But this was the first time ever even thoughts of my kids weren't strong enough.

My thoughts felt completely out of my control. I was visited by an Acute Team which had never happened before & I've had to have someone with me all week. I'm telling you this because YOU must take care of yourself first-especially at the moment while you have the insight. If your brother or anyone else needs desperate help-an acute team will always visit, there is the Beyond Blue 24hr phone number answered by trained mental health professionals.

If you are seriously concerned about your brothers safety I would suggest phoning your local Acute Team-Beyond Blue will know who they are & connect you if necessary. You can then just share your concerns & they can arrange home visits etc. you can't afford to take this or anymore on Kara-please believe me.

Depression can hit hard & you don't want to end up in a complete crisis yourself. You'd know the general advise by now-if you are experiencing symptoms-it's time to stop. Leave everything this weekend-there is nothing that can't wait a few days-and spend this weekend with the answer phone on, hang out in your Pjs even & read, get a pile of magazines or some DVDs & zone out.

If your anxious about your brother-deal with that today-phone Beyond Blue for a chat & then the Acute Team. Tell other family members you feel you have the flu or something-if that will help them leaving you alone. Please will you do what I suggest? Get the phone & deal with your fears about your brother & also talk to Beyond Blue about how you are feeling & they will have comforting great advice. I will check later to see if you've managed to do those things & how you are feeling. Big hug-now go pick up that phone. Lve Mares xxx (Mares73)

[KaraArtist]

Thank you Mares for sharing your story, I felt every word. I really can relate and that sux doesn’t it. I took time for myself and have now begun to re-evaluate my personal situation. I realise that almost everything I am doing is for my family. So I have begun to recognise what it is that I want from life, and what I want to do. I’m pretty sure it’s going to mean a big move and change of career. I am looking forward to making a decision based on my wants and needs. Most of my family are behind me on this. And those who aren’t I’m not letting get me down. I am currently seeking help from my doctor and a psychologist so I’m positive I can get through this. There’s only so much I can do for my brother, he has chosen to label me the bad guy and I will just have to wait until it passes. Although I feel it has done irreversible damage to our relationship. I’m taking the steps I need to take, like posting here to see if anyone can relate and it’s not just me, and I will get better because it’s time to focus on myself.  Again thank you for sharing.