I'm in love with someone suffering depression he's called it off looking for perspective

[inloveandconfused]

I've been dating a man for 10 months. About 4 months into our relationship he just shut down and went silent. We had arranged for our children to meet each other for the first time which obviously stressed him out & he didn't know how to express it so he just shut down. Silence. We broke up for 3 weeks, then finally when he was drunk he called and reached out to me. Telling me horrible stories of childhood abuse. I told him I'd like to talk ,but, not like this in person not drunk. He asked me to have my children watched so we could meet up when he was sober. As I was heading to his home I got a familiar text, don't bother coming I won't be home. I had no idea why he was shutting down again & said no sorry not good enough I've rearranged myself to talk you need to get home & talk. He was not pleased, but, did come back. It was very painful & hard ,but, he was very open about his childhood past & admitted that he suffers depression had gone off medication (because he felt great in his life being with me) and was making another appointment to see his "doctor". We got back together. All I kept thinking was WOW we have had a break through this must have been so hard to open up & tell me about. We had many happy great months after that. Then he is told his father needs heart surgery. He is still seeing me & still present ,but, I can feel a little distance building between us. I don't push him ,but, maintain contact until 3 weeks ago he just brushes me off with "I'm going to see Dad this weekend so I can't see you" no ,but I'll make time to see you soon nothing. I've always tried to keep our relationship with low pressure, yes I love you I wan't you in my life, but, you come & see me when youre ready, just let me know I matter to you. I sent him a long text (this has always been our main source of communication) saying I love him & miss him ,but, he hurts me sometimes & makes me feel low priority in his life. I told him I have no problem with him focussing on his father ,but, he needs to remember I matter too & being blown off again hurts. I get an angry text saying "did I want a relationship?" etc. I say take all the time you need to really be sure what you want consentrate on your Dad & when you are feeling ready to talk we meet in person. He very quickly responds. He comes down to see me, he's a stranger a blank look no compassion says "I don't love you I haven't for sometime" I give him back significant gifts he's given me like a charm bracelet. He tries to tell me to keep it, I say no it's too painful to me it's a reminder that we should have more special times together to add charms he looks surprised. He tells me he only ever repeated nice things I said to him, he meant nothing nice he said to me. I say no I never said I NEED you I never said you give me self confidence & make me feel better about myself & are so good for me. I told you I love you & I want you and that was true. I tell him I'm confused if this is him, or, his illness being so cruel. As he's leaving he says "can we still be friends" I say "no sorry, my friends don't treat me the way you've just treated me" he mutters "maybe in a few months" I say "no". 1 hour later he befriends me & my friends on FB. 1 hour later he sends me a nasty text saying you don't like the word no & I didn't like how you demanded I meet you last time this happend. when I don't respond he sends me another 2 hours later making comment on our sex life & making me feel like crap. I respond sometime later with a long message saying I hate to point out the obvious I'm not still texting you I let you leave you have been awful to someone who has offered you love support compassion and honesty. Yes I still love you ,but, let me be if you don't want me it'll hurt but I'll move on. How sad this has come to his. Please see your "doctor" and get help. I'll be ok. Next day I get a text saying " I know I'll regret what I've done , I have to live with it". I send him back you shouldn't live life with regrets ever. Please take the time I told you to in the first place, focus on your other issues, see your doctor sort out what you want & if you are going to be kind only then message me back. He sends me another text thanking me, then one saying I know I do love you I don't know what's wrong with me I just get negative on everything. I'm getting help . I sent him another message saying that's good but think about what you are saying are willing to offer do you know why you are texting me, because you feel bad or you don't want us to be over? He sends back I don't want us to be over. I know I've broken your trust and it will take a long time to get it back. I've been reading like crazy about this awful illness. I'm trying to get perspective from people who understand more (friends try to help, but, they all just say things like you don't need that cut him loose) I love this man so much. I'm trying to get my head around if he loves me too, or the cold man who came here one night intent on being so nasty & cruel is the real him. I have sent him a few light messages to say hi yesterday and he has responded in a positive way asking about friends etc. So, please help, do I let it go & move on, or do I believe every other thing he's ever said, how much he loves me etc, which is what I'm getting now, mind you no "sorry I've treated you like this" ?? Any advise would be appreciated. PS I'm seeing a counsellor to help me with the hurt this has caused.

[JessF]

Hi inloveandconfused, run for the hills. I know this sounds blunt, but I recognise this situation, I've been in some terrible relationships with men over the years that could read almost exactly like that. I stuck round for far too long making excuses for how if I just hung on long enough like the rescuing angel I'd find the "real man" underneath. That only happens in the movies. Thank goodness you have got a counsellor, you might want to talk to him or her about how you can avoid relationship traps like this in the future as that is what I did.  I used to unconsciously seek out men like this, it was as if I could make him better that would make me better and then make my life worthwhile. It was a slippery slope.