Hello,
I'm new here, and I'm hoping that there might be some people here who can offer me some advice and support. About a month ago my husband of 15 years and I were going out to lunch together, all was fine - we'd had a good morning, and everything was normal. When we got in the car he shocked me by saying he was really unhappy in our marriage and didn't see a future with me. It was completely out of the blue as from my perspective there are no big issues in our relationship and we're happy. The next hour in the car was horrible with him listing all the reasons why I make him unhappy - the things I do, the things I don't do, why his unhappiness is my fault. The conversation was cold and so unlike him that I was in disbelief and still now a month later I can't understand it. Some of the things he mentioned were blown out of proportion in a huge way and some were really ridiculous. He was shocked that I reacted so badly to the conversation because he thought I felt the same and was ready to leave our marriage. This shows how far his perception is from reality because I'm totally happy. He also said some things that made me think he's paranoid about be leaving him - things that were really strange and again, out of the blue.
The next day he broke down and was very upset so I had my first inkling that something wasn't right. The past two years at around this time of year he has had similar but less intense episodes of believing that I want a divorce so something clicked and I made him go to our GP. At the GP he revealed that he had been having suicidal thoughts and felt empty and disconnected from life.
He's been on antidepressants for 3 weeks and I've noticed some changes, especially in the way he interacts with the kids. He's more talkative and engaged. We talked about how he thinks he's going on Sat night and it seems that the only thing that hasn't changed since he started taking the medication are his feelings towards me. He blames me for any feelings of unhappiness he feels and sees me as a person that I'm not. He said I'm always stressed out and the kids and I are yelling at each other all the time but this isn't the case at all. I'm not stressed and there are very rarely any raised voices in our home. He says he feels no love from me and thinks we're like flatmates rather than husband and wife.
These things are so hurtful for me to hear because I love my husband so much, and I know that I treat him well and show my love to him. Over the last month I've been trying even harder than usual to make sure things are calm and to be extra loving and kind to him to show him that I do love him, even if he can't feel it. Since the first conversation in the car I feel like I'm on shaky ground and that he could just decide to leave me and my children at any moment. He gets very business-like and cold and it's like I don't know the person I'm married to. I have known and loved him since I was 16 years old and suddenly everything has changed and I don't understand any of it. On Sat night was really upset that he still didn't know if he wanted to be with me and I was crying. He didn't comfort me or say anything I needed to hear - like that he does still love me - he just lay there. The man I know is warm, kind, and extremely compassionate. It's like he was a stranger.
I don't know what to do. If he feels these things, even if they're not reality - how can I change that? He is holding all the power and I feel like I'm lost. I'm walking on eggshells around him because I don't want any of the things he said about me to have any grain of truth to them, because he'll latch on to it and use it as ammunition. I feel like his happiness is my burden and I don't know how much longer I can take the pressure.
If you have any advice on how to navigate this I'd really appreciate it.
