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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Imagine Husband depressed Says he wants to leave Advice please!
  • replies: 32

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I ... View more

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I lead as active and independent a life as possible, working part time, maintaining the house etc).He has just told me he thinks he wants to leave me, he still loves me, but cannot cope with my illness and it's restrictions on our life anymore. I am devastated as this came as a complete shock.We celebrated our 21st anniversary only 5 weeks ago and he gave me a card signed always and forever and told me he wanted to go shopping for an eternity ring. We still love each other (he said this - not my assumption).There are other factors affecting his mental state at present, facing his own mortality after discovering he needs cholesterol meds for the rest of his life, work pressure and losing our beloved dog after 15 years.I have tried hard not to put any pressure on him, just asked him not to decide until his depression is back under control. He has voluntarily made an appointment to see a counsellor and is already on antidepressant meds which have helped previously.What I'd like to know, from anyone who has experienced his pain, is what I can do to help?I am not pushing him in any way, suggesting treatments or anything. I am trying to give him space but I told him the door is always open and that I will take my cues from him.I told him I will always be his friend no matter what, that I am not angry with him at all. I did say that I think at least some of the pressure of my illness is because he chooses to take on the burden to "fix" things and try and "take care" of me without my wanting/asking/needing/demanding anything. I've asked him to try not to do that, to stand back and wait until I ask for help if I need it, and maybe see that the burden is not as bad as he thinks and is not all coming from me.But I am absolutely heartbroken and I cannot hide my tears and I fear that I might be adding guilt to the awful pain he is already facing. I haven't said anything to anyone, I am hoping that this is the depression talking and that we may still have a future together but I feel like I am holding a tiny candle alight in a huge, dark room.Thank you to anyone who may be able to offer their thoughts.

eljaycee Help for my PTSD partner
  • replies: 10

I was helped by geoff last year during a hard time....that hard time has returned but I'm trying to manage. I have dropped in to the forums at various times just to read posts and the kindness that people show here. It helps when I feel lonely.... My... View more

I was helped by geoff last year during a hard time....that hard time has returned but I'm trying to manage. I have dropped in to the forums at various times just to read posts and the kindness that people show here. It helps when I feel lonely.... My person who I've seen for 18 months or so now, has complex PTSD and goes through periods of isolation. There seems to be more anger behind it this time which is why he says he doesn't contact me because he doesn't want to lash out at me. The lack of contact is stressful for me and I miss him and worry about him. He has told me is getting treatment, so I just have to trust him to contact me when he's ready. I just wanted to touch base with understanding people.

JMZ Depressed Husband?
  • replies: 3

I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have 2 children. We have had many struggles as most married couples do and have somehow remained together. I had bad depression after having children and sorted myself out with counselling. Anyway we seper... View more

I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have 2 children. We have had many struggles as most married couples do and have somehow remained together. I had bad depression after having children and sorted myself out with counselling. Anyway we seperated early last year due to constant arguments and the way he treats our youngest daughter to which I disagree and voice quite strongly. We got back together and planned a family holiday to america. Leading up to that he was still angry, moody and stressed with work and I just wanted him to leave but he would always use our holiday as emotional blackmail against me. Then 2 weeks before our trip he was made redundant...which was a blessing in disguise (well at least for a while). We argued while on holiday but came back and found time for each other again and had a lovely lead up to xmas. It now has been almost 5 months and he is still unemployed and we are having more issues. He is unmotivated to do anything, uninterested in friends, going out or having fun. He just sits in front of the tv. He seems depressed but how do you get him to see it? With our marriage problems he has seen a counsellor 3 times but cancelled remaining appointments. I have zero tolerance for his moods and abusive behaviour in this family. I am angry with him for taking his tantrums out on his family. He has no friends (well maybe 1). Does anyone have any advice? I am tired of living like this in this relationship.

BryonyC Need advice about my partner...
  • replies: 5

I don't really know what to say, my partner is going through a rough patch and won't go and get help or support...He is obviously in a dark place and the depression and lack of self confidence is making him very aggressive and argumentative. But only... View more

I don't really know what to say, my partner is going through a rough patch and won't go and get help or support...He is obviously in a dark place and the depression and lack of self confidence is making him very aggressive and argumentative. But only to me, everyone else sees the normal happy, chirpy, bubbly man that I love but as soon as he comes home he pretty much climbs into bed, turns on his computer game and tv and that's it until he goes to sleep. This has been building up for a while, he doesn't like to talk about things and he bottles them up and then has these breakdowns every time something stressful or unexpected happens or just change. Change really bothers him. He is very dyslexic, he has difficulty understanding and remembering things and because of this he was bullied and has a hard time at work etc etc but he loves what he does, hes a zoo keeper and he is brilliant at it because he has a passion for animals, but because he is better with the animals than the humans, he gets put down a lot by his coworkers and supervisors. Several months ago he had a bad car accident that scared him out of driving and so he had to leave his job, he had a bit of a meltdown and spent an entire week curled up in bed with a concussion...So while he was having this I went out and got him a job at a local zoo he could walk to and started car shopping... He enjoyed his new job a lot but when his first evaluation came up and they had a couple things they wanted him to change in how he worked. He instantly changed his tune, didn't like work, didn't like the people he worked with and believed they all hated him and were always nagging at him and having a go at him...None of this was actually true but to him that's what happened. So he ended up getting laid off pretty quickly...So again he had a mini meltdown and I got him and me a job together running a wildlife sanctuary (where we are now) and have been here two weeks, happy as larry but the car, job, move, everything has had a huge impact on him and he has become argumentative, aggressive, unhappy and today he turned around and told me he wanted nothing to do with me and to stay away. We have been engaged for nearly two years and known him for three...I have never seen him this bad, he is completely unable to hear reason or anything. I seem to have become the object of everything wrong in his life and he just yells at me all the time. He has serious self-confidence issues and thinks everyone hates him and that he hates his life.... Can anyone please help me in this? Advise how I can support him or what I can say to make it better because at the moment he is frustrating me so much with his self-hate that I am getting angry and snapping back at him and that just doesn't help anyone! I have been trying for what feels like forever to get him to believe in himself but it's like he is afraid to be happy incase someone or something comes along and ruins it. Has anyone gone through this before? I could really use some support. I have suggested going and talking to a shrink or just seeing someone to help talk through his problems (because i'm obviously not good enough) or even just seeing a naturopath to help his depression with a better diet and herbs... Thank you for reading what seems to have turned into an essay, I hope someone can relate and help me and my partner in this difficult time...We have something amazing here, a chance to run a wildlife hospital together and he is sabotaging it because he is afraid to be happy.

CSmith depression - what to do?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone. My boyfriend was diagnosed with a chronic condition at the beginning of the year that has drastically changed his outlook and quality of life. We have been together for two years now, but during this past year we have struggled to mainta... View more

Hi everyone. My boyfriend was diagnosed with a chronic condition at the beginning of the year that has drastically changed his outlook and quality of life. We have been together for two years now, but during this past year we have struggled to maintain the perfect relationship we once had. Despite my many suggestions for him to seek professional help in coping with his condition, he outright refuses to speak to anyone about it. It has become very difficult to stay positive and hopeful that he will get better and this has taken its toll. We love each other very much, and I understand that his condition is extremely frustrating and debilitating, but at times it is difficult to know whether he has given up on our relationship or whether he is just frustrated with his condition. I understand that we all hurt the ones who love us most, but his poor health has completely changed his personality. He was once a very caring and considerate guy who always loved to be outdoors, spending his time doing fun things, but now he has become quite depressed, often taking his frustrations out on me and no longer wanting to go on adventures or even let me know that he cares. The whole experience has made me become very anxious and at times depressed. I often feel that his now distant personality is somehow my fault and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with my anymore. It makes me feel very lonely and heartbroken. I guess the reason behind this post is to find out if anyone is or has been in a similar situation and if so, how did you cope? Thanks.

WorriedSister Help getting through to a stubborn male
  • replies: 1

Hi all. I am looking for some tips as a concerned sister. My older brother (40 y.o) is going through a really difficult time. Around 6 months ago he lost his business and everything he had worked hard to build up for 20 years, was involved in legal p... View more

Hi all. I am looking for some tips as a concerned sister. My older brother (40 y.o) is going through a really difficult time. Around 6 months ago he lost his business and everything he had worked hard to build up for 20 years, was involved in legal proceedings, and had to sell his two properties. He is an extremely proud and stubborn person by nature. I suspect that he is suffering from depression after eveything he has been through, just based on how he is behaving. However he won't seek any professional help, he won't talk to any of his family or friends. He has now almost completely shut himself off from his entire family (I have two other brothers as well). He only rings or makes contact when he is asking to borrow money. He is refusing to look for a job and seems to just be relying on loans from people. He doesnt seem to have accepted that he can no longer work in the industry in which he has worked (and run his own business) for nearly 20 years. He has left his girlfriend and is not speaking to the family about her, or where he is living. I am really really concerned about his mental health, and believe he can be prone to some manic behaviour at times. We have a family history of bi-polar. Does anyone have any advice about to deal with a stubborn male, or convince him that he at least needs to see a GP? Thanks, any advice appreciated.

Bereal Spouse with Generalised Anxiety Disorder
  • replies: 33

I am a new mum (LO is 8.5 mnths old) who has a husband that has just been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I am interested in hearing from husbands who has been suffering from this as a result of the birth of their chid. I believe that th... View more

I am a new mum (LO is 8.5 mnths old) who has a husband that has just been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I am interested in hearing from husbands who has been suffering from this as a result of the birth of their chid. I believe that the birth of our daughter has been a major trigger for my husband. He is feeling overwhelmed by financial stress and job security.He is generally a nervous person and has always felt uncomfortable in others people's company due to his own insecurities. It took him 8 months to acknowledge that he needs help and has been seeing a psychologist for a month now. What can I do as a spouse to help him, even though I do not have much energy too as I my daughter is my priority ? How long will it take before I see an improvement? I feel very resentful for the fact that I feel cheated on the precious quality time that I should of had with my daughter due to the fact that I have spent the last 7.5 months worrying about him and not her. My mat leave is nearly over and my husband does not realise that when I go back to work things are going to get harder as I will need more help from him.

Anonymous_88 Short-term reacurring depression?
  • replies: 2

My and my boyfriend of 5 years have just split due to what I think might be depression on his part. He is normally a caring and supportive partner but for the last 3-4 months of our relationship he became distant from me, he didn't want to go away fo... View more

My and my boyfriend of 5 years have just split due to what I think might be depression on his part. He is normally a caring and supportive partner but for the last 3-4 months of our relationship he became distant from me, he didn't want to go away for the weekend, go out for dinner or to the movies. All affection and intimacy stopped. When I brought this up with him he told me he wasn't stoked on life in general. When I would suggest he go away for a week with his friends he didn't want to do that either. When I told him I was going to leave he didn't try and stop me, it was as though he had shut down emotionally. He would watch me cry and walk out of the room, it didn't effect him. Its been 2 months since we have split and he seems to be back to normal now, he told me that he is frustrated with himself for acting the way he did and he had no idea why he was feeling that way but at the time he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This isn't the first time its happened, it happens about once a year for usually about 1 month to 2 months max and then it goes away but it seems the older he gets the longer this trance he gets himself into lasts. When he is in these trances he always emotionally shuts down from me and ends our relationship and then ends up coming back to me feeling frustrated and angry with himself. My question is: is there a short term state of depression that some people can be susceptible to on and off periodically throughout their lives? It seems to sometimes be triggered by responsibility or commitment so I'm not sure whether its a commitment problem... something is not right and I wish to help him. Thanks..

purp hart broken
  • replies: 6

Hi My husband attempted suicide 10weeks ago and I am truly hart broken and not coping very well. I feel so sad and unhappy that he felt this was his only option and that he couldn't talk to me or any one. I cry on and off all the time and feel so ter... View more

Hi My husband attempted suicide 10weeks ago and I am truly hart broken and not coping very well. I feel so sad and unhappy that he felt this was his only option and that he couldn't talk to me or any one. I cry on and off all the time and feel so terrible as I know that how I am feeling is effecting him but the grief just keeps hitting me . He is seeking help as am I and we are also seeing some one together but it is such a struggle and I just wonder if a marriage can survive some thing like this. I just don't know what to do has any one been through this.

LukeJM Wanting to help my wife
  • replies: 4

I am a 37 year old that has been married for 7 years. My wife and I have 2 kids together but over the last 12 months we have drifted apart. I moved out of the family home for a week to have some time apart. In this week by myself, I realized how much... View more

I am a 37 year old that has been married for 7 years. My wife and I have 2 kids together but over the last 12 months we have drifted apart. I moved out of the family home for a week to have some time apart. In this week by myself, I realized how much I love her and we made a team decision to move back in. Six weeks ago she told me she was on medication for anxiety, I initially thought "you'll be right" but unfortunately things are not. I read about the disorder and have come to the conclusion that it is all my fault. I am happy to help with absolutely everything around the house, kids and work but am struggling to deal with the love of my wife. She seems so much happier away from me and anything we have planned as a family. I even said to her that there would be no hard feelings if she wanted time away. All I want to do is hold her in my arms but most of the time that seems so far away.