Spouse with Generalised Anxiety Disorder

Bereal · ‎18-11-2013

I am a new mum (LO is 8.5 mnths old) who has a husband that has just been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I am interested in hearing from husbands who has been suffering from this as a result of the birth of their chid. I believe that the birth of our daughter has been a major trigger for my husband. He is feeling overwhelmed by financial stress and job security.He is generally a nervous person and has always felt uncomfortable in others people's company due to his own insecurities. It took him 8 months to acknowledge that he needs help and has been seeing a psychologist for a month now. What can I do as a spouse to help him, even though I do not have much energy too as I my daughter is my priority ? How long will it take before I see an improvement? I feel very resentful for the fact that I feel cheated on the precious quality time that I should of had with my daughter due to the fact that I have spent the last 7.5 months worrying about him and not her. My mat leave is nearly over and my husband does not realise that when I go back to work things are going to get harder as I will need more help from him.

Chris_B · ‎20-11-2013

Hi Bereal,

Thanks for joining the forums and reaching out for some support. What you describe is not uncommon for new dads.

If you take a look at this section of our website, you'll find a section on how you can help him and how he can help himself. There are also a couple of downloadable guides, "Dad's handbook: A guide to the first 12 months" and " The beyondblue guide to emotional health and wellbeing during pregnancy and early parenthood" - these can also be ordered in hard copy if you wish.

Another good resource for dads can be found here > http://raisingchildren.net.au/fathers/fathers.html (please copy and paste the link)

There are also some great personal stories on our Just Speak Up website > http://justspeakup.beyondblue.org.au/personal-stories (please copy and paste the link). If you scroll down, there's a menu on the right with tags, click on "dads/partners".

Another good resource is PANDA (Post and Antenatal Depression Association) whom beyondblue has a partnership with > http://www.panda.org.au/ (please copy and paste the link). They also have a helpline you can ring, and you are of course welcome to call our support service as well on 1300 22 46 36

Any other parents with advice for Bereal?

best
CB

_________________________________________
Online Community Manager

Mbuna · ‎21-11-2013

Bereal,

I can definitely relate to your husband. Many people talk about post natal depression in women but very few people discuss how a new child can affect men. It can also be hard for men who are already prone to anxiety or depression. When depression kicks in your mind does not work as well as it should. When a child comes along there is a lot of change that occurs. You lose a lot of your freedom, sleep patterns change in the household and there is now a new person in the house who is 100% reliant on your help and protection. I don't know your husband or how the anxiety affects him so i wont make assumptions on how he is feeling. I can share my experience and hope it helps. I suffer from anxiety as well. I call it depression but it is really an anxiety disorder that i have. With me the symptoms are spasmodic. It comes and goes. When the anxiety comes I constantly worry. Sometimes there is no need to worry but i do anyway. It then makes my wife worry about me and the whole house is a very uncomfortable place to be. There are a few things like exercise and diet that tend to help me snap out of it. If your husband is seeing a professional that is good because they will be able to suggest a few things that will help him with his anxiety.

It cant be easy for you dealing with a new born and a husband with anxiety. Its like having two children to deal with. I can understand your resentment as well. Getting angry at him and telling him to grow up and snap out of it is probably the worst thing you can do. Getting angry and resentful is a normal reaction but its not going to help him and its not good for your mental health either. Its likely that your anger will just give him something else to worry about. If you start yelling he may also start hiding his feelings and bottle it all up. That's what I did and in the end it drove me loopy and it took me a long time to come right again. If he has anxiety it will be there no matter what you say or do. Its a mental illness and its not rational. I am not saying that you should let him mope around the house wallowing in his own self pity while you take on all the responsibility. That is not helpful either. When he has time to think has has time to worry. Keep him busy but try not to get angry. I speak to a lot of people that suffer the same illness as I do. One of the side affects is feeling useless and worthless. If you want some help around the house ask nicely. When he has finished the task say thank you. Even if it is a task he should be doing anyway and should not need to be thanked for. Asking him to do the task and then thanking him afterwards makes him feel needed. When he is anxious and depressed don't try and make sense of it. More often than not there is no sense to it. Its a mental condition that just happens. The good news is that it is treatable and now that he is getting help you should see some improvement. I cant give you a time frame and your GP probably cant either. Its different with everyone. When you do start to see improvements, let him know you notice. Give him encouragement. No need for a big song and dance. Just let him know that your are noticing the changes.

You say that the birth of your child is what may have triggered your husbands anxiety. Thats quite possible. It may also be the case that he was anxious before the before hand but the baby has just made it worse. Financial security was the big trigger for me. Worrying about how i would support my wife and kids played havoc with my mind. Depression can make you paranoid, you worry even when there is nothing to worry about. A lot of people worry about the unknown. Feelings like "Will I lose my Job", " Will I lose partner". If you can control things or if you have certainty it helps control the feelings. Bad news is not necessarily going to trigger anxiety if you are prepared for it. Bad news or unexpected news that comes as a shock is more than likely to trigger it. You say you are going back to work soon and will need his help. Maybe try sitting down with him and letting him know that things will need to change when you go back to work. Maybe agree on some responsibilities or jobs that he will take on once you get back to work. If he is prepared for the extra work and knows its coming he is less likely to get stressed about it. I know this sounds a bit tedious. Your husband is a grown man and you should not have to treat him like a baby. He has a mental condition that is making him the way he is. It may seem daunting at the moment but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. He has taken the first step to get help. I know a lot of people who suffer anxiety and depression. I don't know one who has said things got worse once they took that step.

Bereal · ‎23-11-2013

HI Mbuna,

Thank you for taking time to tell your storey. You have given me some great tips and insight from a "suffer's" perspective. I need to try harder at distracting him when he is in the midst of depressed episode or panic attack which can last for a few days at a time. My newest dilemma is that I have just heard from my work and they need me to go away on a sales conference the first week that I start. This means that my husband will have to not only organise himself but take / pick up my daughter to day-care as well as everything else for 4 - 5 nights. I have expressed my hesitation at leaving my husband alone for so many nights with my daughter and he has said he is willing to give it a go. I know that I should see this as a positive but when he is in a bad way (having a panic attack or depressed episode) it is as if he disengages from us at home - he hardly acknowledges us and my daughter and he can't even sort himself out....(misplaces things, forgets things and makes mistakes at work)....he can't cope with her crying and then often just needs to leave the house or tells me he needs a break. Is it fair for me to leave him alone with her (we do not have any family that we can call on for help here in Sydney) or should I save him the anxiety and tell work the truth?. I do not want to hurt his feeling but it is never easy for him when he is going through a rough patch and I worry about my daughter too.

geoff · ‎23-11-2013

dear Bereal, I had typed a reply to you but it came up with the dreaded 'system error', so I will give it another go.

In a marriage or relationship all seems to going as well as can be, but then all of a sudden you became pregnant, and as time goes on the fear from the husband is whether or not he will be able to pay the bills, so the panic begins, and no matter what the wife has to say to him 'that all will be OK, we will be able to cope, we will have to cut back on these things'.

It sounds to be OK, but the husband isn't quite sure, and so his anxiety takes over, and every minute he worries about the house payments or the rent and the increasing cost of electricity, and the prospect of becoming a dad is overshadowed by his anxiety.

The other concern is that before you became pregnant you both paid attention to each other, and now because of the baby your concern is mainly for the baby, but you have worried about him as well, but his life has been turned up side down.

The many things that he enjoyed before the baby have now gone, such as, doing what ever you both loved to do, but can't now, his sexual desires have also not been happening, sorry, and he feels as though he is well below on the family list, so again this increases his anxiety.

I am concerned that he won't be able to cope while you go away, so is there anyone else who could help him, because babies cry, and they cry a lot of the time, because the nappy needs to be changed, the food has to be prepared and heated up, and they need affection.

I am not sure that he will be able to do all of this, and while you're away, and all you will doing is panicking yourself.

This a difficult scenario for you, and what would happen if you say that you can't go to this conference, or at least take a rain-check. L Geoff. x

Mbuna · ‎23-11-2013

Bereal,

Do you think your husband is capable of looking after your daughter? Its not a decision on if it is fair. You have a job and you contribute to the household just as he does. It is only fair that he takes on some of the responsibility. When anxiety and depression takes hold it can make us feel worthless and useless. My wife went away with work a few times. I did not want to look after the kids but that did not mean I was not capable of doing so. I often disengaged from my family as well. Thats because my wife was there to take up the slack. In hindsight i was very selfish. Depression does that. We get sooky and everything becomes about us. Your husband says he is happy to give it a go. Geoff has mentioned he is worried that your husband wont be able to cope. I tend to think that you should give him the chance to step up to the plate. You say you have no family in Sydney. We live in Sydney as well and all our family resides in other states so i get that dilemma. Your husband wont be perfect but im sure you will be contactable on the phone should get get stuck. Geoff may be 100% correct. You husband may not be able to cope. There is only one person here however that knows what your husband is capable of and that's you. Life is not always about your husband and your daughter. Sometimes you need to get away and have a break too.

Bereal · ‎24-11-2013

Hi Geoff, Thank you for your insight. I spend so much time trying to see things from his perspective that I also forget about what I need too. You are so correct, the reality is that I am the one that is going to be worried sick and I need to think about if I am willing to take that on board as I enter back into the workforce where my job security will become even more of an issue than ever before. Thanks again. Bereal x

Bereal · ‎24-11-2013

HI Mbuna,

Thank you for your answer. I so see your point too as well as Geoff's. I am so used to being the primary carer for my daughter and I have not really given my husband opportunity to take care of her. Once when I did leave the house I timed it when my daughter was asleep , however with babies being babies she woke up earlier than she should of. He tried to resettle her but he could not handle the crying and picked her up (which was fine). However when I got home I got reprimanded for leaving him with no instructions and was told that it was unfair of me to do that to him. He also often challenges me on how I do things with her and one day we had such a fight that I gave him the challenge to look after her for a few hours.......I came home and he was so exhausted and clearly found the situation exhausting. I too have been mothering him for so long (I only realised this in hindsight) well before the baby came along. The reality is I think that he has been suffering from anxiety for so long and for him it is almost his natural state of being. He has always had nervous energy, can never sit still, always has to tap his fingers and doing something. When engaging with others he only listens selectively and it is embarrassing sometimes _ this has always been the case with him. His psychologist has explained that the birth of out baby has unravelled anxieties that he has been harbouring for years. Which then brings me to what you touched on and that is his "selfishness".......it is SOOOO HARD to deal with that especially when you have to weigh this up against the needs of a helpless little baby who needs your undivided attention. My husband has only just started treatment about 6 weeks and he still has sleepless nights. What also scared the crap out of me too what that he confessed that twice he resorted to drinking alcohol before 2 important meetings so that he could cope. I was horrified as he is not a drinker and what if his manager smelt the alcohol? Sorry about all the waffling as I read through what I wrote it seems all over the place. Back to my issue, I could ask to just go for a night or two only to the conference that way I am giving him an opportunity to look after our daughter which will give me the opportunity to see if he really can cope. The one question I do have is, is it appropriate to have tell my work about my situation? Thanks Bereal

Bereal · ‎24-11-2013

HI Mbuna,

Thank you for your thoughts you certainly have given me something to think about. It is such a hard one as I do know that he has to be able to look after her and I know that I have the right to "my time" but it is hard to let go knowing how I have seen him react in the past. He is only 6 weeks into treatment too and I have no idea how long it will take for him to improve and be able to handle her on his own for a long period. I do leave him with her for a few hours at a time and have made the mistake of doing it when he was not in a good space (he insisted that I did at the time) and when I got back I was told I did not give him enough instruction......there are no instruction when it comes to babies rt? When I weigh that up against him not having any reprieve it make me anxious just thinking about it. You talk about "selfishness" I think that you for me that is the toughest thing to get my head around....being a parent is selfless act....I am not sure my husband will ever be able to let go of that and that makes it very hard for me now that my attention is focused on my daughter and not him. When I think back on what I now know he has and I think of the way he has responded to things in the past I think that he has always suffered from anxiety his whole life.......he tries to be all tough and opinionated on the outside but inside he is crumbling....he then takes it out the world around him and says "society and humanity" are awful...he does not see that it is how he responds to the world that makes him the way he is......I think that therapy will be a major eye opener for him. The only other question Id have is should I let my work know about my situation ? It might help me explain why I cant attend the conference (for now as in the future I will have too and my husband will have to step up to the plate). Thank in advance Bereal

Mbuna · ‎26-11-2013

Bereal,

I just read your posts and I am smiling. Im not smiling because of the predicament you are in nor the fact that your husband has issues. I do realize how serious the situation is. I actually look at how you explain your husbands symptoms and its scary how similar he and I are (or were). For a brief moment I was worried that you were "my" wife posting on here.

I don't have all the answers for you because i don't know you or your husband. I can share my story with you however and maybe that will be helpful. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Its the same disorder that you husband has been diagnosed with. Its really just a fancy name for someone who worries a lot. It affects people differently. Most of us tend to be on edge a lot. Everybody gets stressed and worries occasionally . Life is not always easy. Real life situations happen and we worry about them. People like us worry more than we should. It can be crippling sometimes and often leads to bouts of depression. It did with me anyways. You husband has made the first step towards recovery. He has admitted there is a problem and is seeking help. Trust me when i tell you that this is a big step. He now has somebody he can talk to about his problems without fear of being judged. For me it was like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Your husband has confessed a few things to you about drinking ect. I am sure you are shocked but try not to judge. Its part of the recovery process. He has probably bottled all his feelings and behaviors up for a long time. If you react badly he may go back to bottling them all up again. Thats not helpful. Once i started to recover I looked back and then felt guilty. I realized I had been selfish and tried to re-engage my wife and family. The problem was that I had been disengaged for so long they did not really want to let me back in. They had been so accustomed to going about their daily routines without having to rely on me. I was still holding down a job and bringing in an income but I had been that worried all the time that I just used every excuse possible to avoid responsibility because responsibility was scary. I was always putting off making decisions so my wife had taken them all upon herself. I don't know you but I have a suspicion that this may be happening in your relationship as well. Your husband will not improve over night. It does not work like that. I am sure you have taken everything upon yourself around the house out of necessity and I am sure there are times when you cant stand the sight of your husband. The bottom line is that he wont get better unless you let him. If he is prepared to start taking on more responsibility then you have you start letting go. You are talking about your husbands treatment and recovery. He needs to change the way he reacts to things but so do you. His psychologist will be able to help him change his mindset. You are correct when you say its the way he responds to the world that makes him the way he is. The same also applies to how you respond to him. If you avoid his help because you think he cant cope he is going to stop offering. When you feel yourself resenting him, remember its the illness that you should be angry at. Your husband has probably had this illness for a long time. He may have had it before you met him. You still fell in love with him and decided to start a family. It is likely that a few things in life have changed making the condition worse. It will probably always be there lurking in the background but it can be controlled. The recovery process is not just about your husband. You may not have his illness but it has actually changed both of you.