Told my psychiatrist finally

[Jacqui51]

I heard from my psychiatrist and have finally responded. My email was written over several days and I heavily edited to remove the immaterial.

At the end I decided to tell them about tapering and stopping medication. It seems only fair as they have cared enough to write.

Now I want to cry and wish I had not said anything. I don't like feeling vulnerable and having been open and honest about my thoughts, feelings and actions upsets me.

I do know on an intellectual level that for there to be any hope of a therapeutic relationship when the psychiatrist is back open honesty is essential. On the emotional level I want to cry and run.

I am so unsure just now.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Jacqui,

I'm sorry I didn't see your earlier Threads, “Definitely Unsure About This Forum” & “Trying to stay positive but losing”. They give me a better understanding about where you're coming from. So, my apologies for inferring you had no experience with tapering off psychotropic meds. Nonetheless, because unexpected things can happen, I still think it would be better had your Psychiatrist known of your plan to taper on your own.

*

I did want to refer to something Sleepy said, "I disagree that open honesty is crucial for therapy -
lying might cause problems but i personally think that its okay to take ur time to figure out if u trust the psych and tell them when u are ready."

Why not say to your Psychiatrist, "I've got something on my mind, but for now, I am still deciding whether or not to discuss this with you." & then discuss the reasons for your indecision or hesitancy, doubt, or fear, or whatever it is? This way, you can be honest, while not actually saying the thing you don't want to talk about yet.

I knew a fellow who 'played with his Psychiatrist for years, was dishonest at every opportunity, & laughing about it later, getting nothing else from all those hours, but his illness being worsened by his own foolishness. & losing my friendship, while he dumped far too much on my shoulders, instead.

He gave me a fine lesson in what it could mean if I don't take my sessions seriously, & begin to open up, & to be honest when I did. I've also learned, I don't need to be in protective mode, defending myself at every turn, too.

Sometimes I am unsure if what I offer is helpful or not, if people really feel my support from these posts, then someone says I have helped, & this gives me something: my own self-esteem feels fed. 😻Feels pretty good.

Take care,

mmMekitty

[Guest_1643]

hi mmekitty, i was abused by a psychiatrist... sure wish i'd trusted my insticts.

You don't have to push urself to be completely open and i think it takes a while to be comfortable with someone.

It is the therapists job to create a safe, trusting environment. I know i am at odds with many ppl here on this oen, but i truly don't believe you have to tell ur therapist anything u don't want to. U can push urself safely with them as trust grows.

I have hidden facts from my therapist and it didn't serve me, but I've also disclosed to my therapist and it didn't serve me. Part of trauma healing is regaining my own instincts and intuition.

I don't believe in pushing ppl to share things with their therpists when they're not ready, and I don't believe all therapists are ehtical or helpful.

I believe the therapeutic relationship is a precious thing. It works when it works. But it doesn't always work.

[mmMekitty]

Sorry, Sleepy, I also spent 14 years with a Psychiatrist who did not respect the therapuetid relationship, & boundaries, not at all like the PDr I have now. It took me so very long to understand & leave that other & find the one I have now. He & I have a much better working relationship.

I din't at first mention BB to him. I was feeling hurt, & vulnerable when he was off on leave again. We have discussed my feelings. I explained later, that I had joined BB. I still do not reveal everything I have posted here, & how it feels having this seperate place where I have met so many people with their various experiences, including you, Sleepy. I value you & your contribution, your perspective, which does sometimes differ from mine. It is one of the best things about this place, the diverse views & experiences.

Sleepy, if you'd like to talk more about this on my own Thread, you are always welcome there.

*

I do want to ask, Jacqui, why did you want to stop the medication? Was it not seeming to be of any benefit anymore, or was it 'side effects', or was there another reason?

mmMekitty

[Jacqui51]

Hi the only post I have felt was unreal was an original response and this was explained by a contributor as general due to needing to be. I accepted this.

I have genuinely tried to be respectful and also honest. I am so sorry if I have hurt anyone. I challenge my thinking and thoughts and hoped to do this on this forum. Never have I meant to devalue or hurt others.

You explain there are people of many different ages on here, I think that is amazing and powerful. Please understand that I have been hurt in ways not shared because I cannot. I too had a negative psychiatric relationship with a doctor. It is crap and makes taking risks so much more difficult. I am sorry for everything.

When I read some of the responses I felt attacked and vulnerable. I did not think in my writing I was asking a question, I just wanted a safe place to share my hurt and confusion and fear. Sorry but I can't cope anymore. I need to withdraw. I am hurting so much inside.

I wish everyone the best and again I apologise for any hurt.

[Guest_1643]

Hi jacqui,

I'm not judging u and I fully accept u are trying Ur best and genuine.

Honestly, if u want to vent here, Ur welcomed and seen.

The ppl here are not any different...it's OK to share Ur age, I've shared mine here too, it can help ppl understand a little more and sometimes ppl are like...snap...I'm same age as u and I get it.

Tbh it works OK here because ppl from diff ages and stages can support .

I just wanted u to know that u weren't the only one in Ur age group by any means, I dare say I am a bit odd here in my mid 30s, ppl are usually very young like 24 or over 50 and there are spaces here catering to both stages.

[Guest_1643]

It's not a mistake to start 3 threads...it's OK. Some ppl start a few threads. My advice would be to pick one that u want to post more on so ppl can follow u there, no pressure though...

Therr are no mistakes. This place is confusing. Just like real life in some ways. No pressure jacqui. Yes it is so traumatic to be hurt by a therapist, and thank u , as I had never shared that here before u joining, and appreciate connecting connecting u over it, although I am truly sorry u experienced it as well.

[mmMekitty]

Jacqui, I'm sorry if anything I said, if my misunderstanding has caused you any distress, I truly am sorry.

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

I hope you return to achieve your goal of greater self understanding and progress. Please don't let misunderstandings set you back. I think one of the challenges on the forums here involves the inability to hear tone of voice in what people say (because it involves written word, not spoken). I've actually had my 19yo daughter explain to me the power of the emoji, to express tone. 'When will you be home?' can be taken as an aggressive impatient text unless I put a smiley face after it, which sets the tone of happy curiosity.

To challenge our thinking and thoughts is a powerful, confronting and sometimes overwhelming process. I hope you return to the process, whenever you feel the need.

[Jacqui51]

Decided to try again.

I still feel incredibly fragile and unwell at this time. My psychiatrist is back next week and I have agreed to at least try one visit. Funny but if I am honest there is a chance he will want to put me in hospital immediately. I am a mess emotionally and physically.

Off medication completely at this time but unfortunately this has resulted in my pain from Fibromyalgia kicking in and pinging at around 7 on the 1 to 10 ratio. Fortunately my back is improving through chiropractic treatment.

I will be making an appointment with the pain management specialist if possible next week. The concern with this visit is they wanted to try medication that could potentially interact with psychiatric drugs and the DID. My psychiatrist has vetoed these in the past as can escalate dissociation.

Unsure of other options but if i do choose to live i need to find a way to manage pain better. In previous posts I possibly alluded to this but the truth us I live with physical pain 24/7. Some level of relief through one medication from psychiatrist but not constant. For those of you who know physical pain it wears you down, emotionally and physically. I have had to stop myself screaming at my animals for simply knocking against me wanting love. Even a little tap feels as if a bone has been broken.

A bright point is 2 of my rescue dogs are a lot better and the third is responding to treatment and there is some hope he will live. Time will tell. My dogs and cat are wonderful examples of unconditional love. They simply love me whether I am angry, hurting, depressed or even.

My plans for suicide have continued and I have not changed my mind, simply agreed to wait until after I see the psychiatrist at least once. Self harm is intermittent as it is not providing the needed relief. When this depressed the relief is either good or non existent. Unfortunately it is the second. Please do not think this disappointment is because I want to add to the many physical scars, it is simply relief would help even if through this. I find myself unable to get relief from other means such as alcohol. It makes me ill. I choose to not use other drugs as messed up enough without these. Exercise hurts too much, sleep is minimal and meditation is negative as memories haunt me if I try this.

I do still find things to be grateful for but I do not feel. It is intellectual only. My heart hurts that I cannot feel positive.

The emotions at this time are negative.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jacqui51,

Thanks for reaching out this morning, 

It sounds like things are really difficult at the moment with your fibromyalgia causing you to feel physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. We're glad to hear you're willing to give your psychiatrist another visit and it's great to hear you have a pain management appointment planned also. We really hope these appointments can provide some support and pain relief for you. Would it be helpful for the community to share some of their strategies for managing chronic pain?

We'd like to let you know that our Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counselors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.