Told my psychiatrist finally

[Jacqui51]

I heard from my psychiatrist and have finally responded. My email was written over several days and I heavily edited to remove the immaterial.

At the end I decided to tell them about tapering and stopping medication. It seems only fair as they have cared enough to write.

Now I want to cry and wish I had not said anything. I don't like feeling vulnerable and having been open and honest about my thoughts, feelings and actions upsets me.

I do know on an intellectual level that for there to be any hope of a therapeutic relationship when the psychiatrist is back open honesty is essential. On the emotional level I want to cry and run.

I am so unsure just now.

[Jacqui51]

Have not posted for a while. Life has been S***. My husband recently had a stroke, trying to sort out home stuff, new antidepressant does not seem to be helping and now starting to go out if control with eating. I hate this.

Will see psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe he can help but sceptical.

As a teacher everything is also S***. Our government seems to see us as dispensable. We work, constantly exposed to Covid positive students but simply told to do a RAT test. If negative work. If positive upload two weeks worth of lessons fully planned and including resources. Be ready to pick up the pieces when back. Be ready to mark. Be ready to fill the gaps. In the meantime if negative but a classroom contact do not enjoy a social life as you could spread Covid if you are carrying it.

Life is dark.

[Banksy92]

H Jacqui51,

So sorry about your husband and that you're dealing with so much right now. How long have you been on the new medication - long enough for them to be kicking in? I know this can take some time. Maybe things will settle (side effects etc.) but good idea to have a chat with your psych. Let us know how you go.

I think it's awful that teachers are under so much pressure right now and the expectations you describe are definitely a lot to manage.

With so much on your plate right now, are you able to squeeze in some self care? Something to balance out some of this dark cloud to make yourself feel a bit more special... Maybe you could take yourself out for a special lunch or treat yourself to something new to wear? Or however you like to feel good.

Thinking of you.

[Jacqui51]

Thanks for responding. Unfortunately I cannot easily allow self care. Too difficult for me to be positive about either the person or the body they inhabit. I saw my psychiatrist today and he is asking me to try an increased dose of the meds. We talked about how I feel just now, my anger and despair. Anger is a major issue as the rage and hurt I have kept inside want to break out at this time. I know he probably will not respond but have told him I need something to believe in as so down tonight. I need to believe it could get better otherwise why keep trying. I love my husband so much but even this does not mean I can keep going much longer. Work does not help. I have actually taken two days sick leave, incredibly unusual for me and while it will help in some ways in others the fact I need to do this adds to my sense of failure and despair. Not sure how to cope just now.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

I feel so much for teachers, especially these days. It's such an incredibly demanding job for those teachers who want perform their job thoughtfully, carefully (full of care) and effectively. As I've said to my kids in the past 'Take note of the teachers who wish to make a difference for you. They'll be outstanding. They really will stand out. Such teachers know the school system can be depressing and anxiety inducing for young people. They'll do the best they can while working within frustrating limitations'. It's insane Jacqui, how teachers are not fully trained to dramatically restructure their teaching yet they're expected to restructure it at the drop of a hat at any given time. Going in and out of covid lockdowns here in Melbourne ramped up the pressure to find what works. All of a sudden you're adjusting to the best of your ability to serve everyone around you - serving the students and their future, the principal, government (with their online learning demands), the system itself, the parents of students and so on. That's a heck of a lot of people to be serving. While the demands put on those in healthcare have been recognised, as well as the demands put on those in aged care (work in this industry myself), no one has given long overdue praise for those who work in education. Teachers must be praised for their resilience, flexibility, dedication etc. To the people who are working so hard to set our children up for life in many ways, they must be praised for helping a parent in such a way.

Wondering if you've ever heard of the book 'The Brain That Changes Itself', by Norman Doidge. It's an amazing book in my opinion. It's great intro to the world of neuroplasticity. Part of the book looks at the revolutionary therapies for survivors of stroke. While my home library reflects the different stages of my life, including my years in depression, beyond depression this library includes more so books on how the brain ticks. I think it became a matter of 'How do I come to know that thing in my head which can, at times, be my greatest most depressing saboteur?'. What accompanied such a curiosity was, of all things, a basic understanding of quantum physics, how energy works. Bringing the 2 together produced a bit of a 'Aha!' moment: How does the energy in motion we experience through thought really feel? The true 'Aha!' moment - I can actually feel my thoughts. Being sensitive enough to be able to feel our thoughts can present enormous challenges.

[Jacqui51]

Thanks for responding. Unfortunately at this time I am without any energy to try and read anything much. It is enough to try and get through all of the things I must read for work.

I wish I could extend myself but have no reserves. Perhaps the new dose of medication will help. The psychiatrist has asked me to up my amount as current levels of the new one are not doing much. Unfortunately I am starting to think about quitting all meds. If this feeling stays I will try and discuss it with him.

Anger is do deeply a part of me along with depression and at this time I am struggling a lot. I hate needing to rely on drugs or psychiatrists to survive. It makes me feel even worse about myself. I try to shut down the voices inside when they begin to tell me how useless I am but it is difficult.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

I can understand your need to not introduce another thing into your life, such as extra reading when you've got enough to do. I think sometimes it can be a matter of a begging type scream of 'PLEASE, NOT ONE MORE THING. I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN COPE WITH ONE MORE THING!'. Can recall this feeling not too long ago. It's such an overwhelming feeling. It was my daughter who mentioned to me the 3rd stage of something known as GAS (General Adaptation Syndrome). I couldn't believe it Jacqui, how it described exactly how I felt. GAS, in a nutshell, touches on the impact of stress. When there's one stress after another with no chance to come out of stress, the 3rd and final stage is largely about the body's reaction to ongoing stress - fatigue, exhaustion, depression, anxiety and decreased stress tolerance.

I believe we have many different parts to us, different facets. Can't help but wonder what part of you wishes to come off the meds. In recalling what the quest for the most effective anti depressant felt like, basically it felt angering and depressing. I don't think mental health professionals can fully relate to how angering and depressing such a quest is at times, unless they've been through it themself. Of course I have to be careful with my language here. I'll replace a few choice words with some toned down ones. The following is what I would loved to have said to those professionals who couldn't relate. 'Do you not understand how every failed med leads me to feel 'unfixable' which is foofing depressing? How can you not possibly imagine the somewhat depressing anxious waiting game, waiting to see or feel if a med will kick in? Can you not understand this poopful process and the impact it has?'. Of course, not a problem if the 1st med you try actually works. The problem comes when one after another doesn't work. Looking back, there was a part of me screaming 'Enough! This process is depressing and infuriating'. I think what kept me in the process was that growing desperation to get out of depression. Amuses me to think how, after all the hard work to find the right one, it actually wasn't meds that took me out of 15 or so years in depression.

A deep deep soulful sadness and great anger or fury are such telling emotions. I used to think it was my fault that I felt such things. You know that 'What's wrong with me?' aspect. One day it hit me, like a ton of bricks: I can only feel them when something or someone is triggering me to feel them.

[Jacqui51]

Keeping going still. Some relief from the blackness through new medication but other side effects are not helping. Beginning to feel numb again on one level, same as with previous meds. It seems nothing will work really. I messaged the psych as seems fair to tell him I am again wanting to withdraw and to cease all conversations and meds. I know he believes there are other things to try and that he has not run out of hope or ideas. It is me that has lost hope. My work is not helping, so much pressure. In the 9 weeks of this term do far one of my staff has been asked to take 9 weeks of RATtests. Our government says they care but in reality no support for schools at either federal or state level. Life is becoming a major farce with a touch of horror

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

Sounds like you have a good psych who's desperate to make a positive difference for you. I can understand the time factor involved in making that difference. You can be left thinking 'I've been doing this for so long, managing depression, I don't know how much longer I can go on'. With you experiencing the added physical pain on top of it all, I imagine it makes everything much worse, virtually unbearable.

Have been looking into the topic of 'vagus nerve stimulation' lately, for my mum. It's absolutely stunning, how much this nerve interacts with so many aspects of our body. Not sure whether you'd be interested in doing a little research but thought I'd mention it, as it's linked to fibromyalgia, inflammation, gut issues and depression. While there are medical ways to stimulate this nerve, there are natural ways to stimulate it also.

Wish with all my heart I could offer a solution that could work in a day. It's such a torturous thing, to be in depression for so long. It's such a brutal form of life experience that really wears you down over time. With your pain management appointment coming up in April, I hope time flies and it's here before you know it.

[Jacqui51]

Have decided to stop meds again. Begun by cutting dose in half. I genuinely do not know why I am doing this except I cannot see any point in perseverance. I asked how to keep going, how to manage the tears and rage inside. He can't answer this. Probably no one can.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

Are you looking to let the tears and rage out naturally, without the meds? Do you think constructively venting the upset and rage will make some difference to your physical pain levels in some way? Are you looking for this kind of overall pain relief?

I recall mentioning to someone not too long ago that if I had the money to invest, I'd create a business where people could go to let their rage and sadness out. Kind of like a big factory type of building, divided up into soundproofed rooms. In each room there would be a different experience, where you could just let everything out, almost to the point of exhaustion. You could have the freedom to cry 'til you fell asleep in one room, with a bed. In another you could break a whole stack of stuff with a sledgehammer. In another, there'd be talk therapy, with a trained psychologist who'd encourage venting. The list goes on. I think it's vital to let out overwhelming dis-ease. I eventually discovered 'Rage rooms' actually exist.

I think there are times where the rage in us can build to overwhelming levels, where such emotional energy becomes so intense it can lead to every energetic cell in your body vibrating so intensely it leads to overall physical shaking. I can relate to the moments where you don't necessarily feel the tiny tremors of anger and how they build up over time. Then, at some point, a full on quaking with fury can seemingly come out of nowhere. You sound so incredibly furious Jacqui. It's a truly horrible feeling, pure fury, when kept inside. If given the chance, do you know how you'd like to let it out? Has your therapist led you to understand why the rage exists or how it came into existence? Do you think putting a different spin on it, finding a new perspective when it comes to pure anger, could make any difference? Could redefining this emotion in a constructive way make some difference? Could redefining such incredibly intense energy create a new form of drive in you? Some people have been driven to extreme constructive changes in life only when having been driven by pure intolerable levels of rage. Typically, such a change will begin with the words 'That's it, I've had enough! I can no longer tolerate or settle for anything less than what I deserve'.