Told my psychiatrist finally

[Jacqui51]

I heard from my psychiatrist and have finally responded. My email was written over several days and I heavily edited to remove the immaterial.

At the end I decided to tell them about tapering and stopping medication. It seems only fair as they have cared enough to write.

Now I want to cry and wish I had not said anything. I don't like feeling vulnerable and having been open and honest about my thoughts, feelings and actions upsets me.

I do know on an intellectual level that for there to be any hope of a therapeutic relationship when the psychiatrist is back open honesty is essential. On the emotional level I want to cry and run.

I am so unsure just now.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jacqui51,

Thank you for keeping us updated. We are sorry to hear of your husbands stroke and that you are struggling to keep going. We just want to remind you that your life is important to us. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

We want you to know that there is always extra immediate support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.
 
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

[Guest_1643]

Hi jacqui,

I find it very hard to consider myself fortunare, and feel often very devoid of good, I can relate as you suspected many people here may...

A mini stroke must add so much fear and srewss, I am so sorry for Ur husband and family,

Are you safe? Take care of yourself, day by day....

[Jacqui51]

Hi Sleepy21 and Sophie_M

At this time I think I am safe but it does fluctuate. Waiting on multiple test results for my husband but the fact no crisis calls so far indicates that although serious can be treated.

My work is currently difficult to deal with, usually I love it. This hurts at a different level for me. Not so long ago the thought of distressing my team and others was enough to make me stop. Not now.

During the last visit with psychiatrist realised whether worth continuing counselling or whether choosing suicide or not has to be my decision. He can only do so much.

Basically not his problem. I do want to trust him but struggling due to previous experiences with last psychiatrist.

For several years I was severely overmedicated, in psych hospital on and off and I ended up wrecked physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. My husband whom I met around the end of this time is the reason I pulled through.

For the last 18 years however he has been ill and the stroke is not helping. I have stepped up as provider and in many ways carer but it is not easy. Once upon a time I would have believed I can keep going and I am strong enough, not now.

Pain Clinic appointments are hard to get and I have to wait until April. At least it is made and perhaps in making it I am hoping to keep going.

As an Anorexia survivor medication is an issue if connected to weight. The current one may be adding weight. Monitoring but frightened. I have agreed inside to try for one more week and am keeping a food diary. If it does cause weight gain I just cannot keep going. I am currently slightly overweight by around 8kg and adding two more is a nightmare for me. I truly can't deal with this as well as other stuff. Once an anorexic always obe no matter what weight you are.

I want to scream and rant to my psychiatrist but truthfully he is working hard to find an alternative that works. One benefit of my going off all medication is we start from the beginning. No need to try and balance old and new.

I tried to list the many blessings I enjoy on Friday and most days since. Not working. Why does the darkness hurt so much? I wish I could pretend more and actually lie about how I am nut I just can't and the way this makes me feel useless, inadequate and pathetic does not help. I hate myself even more as a result.

Oh well. Enough.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

To have no break from depression is one of the greatest and cruelest challenges in life. Not only is it cruel but it's exhausting (putting it mildly). To have no break from depression presents so many added challenges but, of course, I don't have to tell you that. While, these days I experience swings in and out of what sometimes feels like depression, it does not compare to feeling myself stuck in that down swing for a decade and a half some years back. This is a whole different experience. In recalling that 'stuck' experience, this is what leads me to feel so, so, so incredibly deeply for you. I wish I could, at the very least, offer something that would give you a break, a chance to swing out in order to catch your breath and make greater sense of how truly incredible you are while fully seeing with perfect clarity exactly how much of your best you are giving. Our best, in a state of depression and exhaustion is very different to our best in a state of joy and high energy. Our best, in a state of depression and pure exhaustion, takes a hell of a lot of hard work to maintain. Easy to achieve almost anything when the right perspective and energy is present. This factor alone points to those with serious mental health challenges as being some of the hardest workers in existence.

Few work harder than those who strive to understand their past. Few work harder than those who intensely seek (through a sometimes depressing cruel trial and error process) to find the right therapist or the right medication. Few work harder than those who strive to undo mental and emotional damage done to them by others. Few work harder than those who work so hard while in a state of ongoing stress, inner turmoil and pure exhaustion. Few work harder than those who are constantly in search of light/enlightenment. To work so hard and not be declared as someone truly incredible, with astounding endurance, is simply wrong and neglectful.

To not be given the chance to experience an upswing, out of depression, is what takes away the chance to feel incredible self respect and self love for one who works so hard, so often...your own self.

With self development being a full job (in my opinion), it never feels like work when all's going well. When working under intense pressure and deeply depressing circumstances, developing a sense of self that's so desperately needed can feel like working in a state of hell on earth.

[Jacqui51]

How strange. I used one minor and one everyday swear word and post cannot be displayed as language is offensive.

[Jacqui51]

So tired. I am genuinely over everything at this time. A moment of hope smashed by demands placed on me and expectations and judgement by others.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

I feel for you so much as you obviously deserve a break from people and situations. There is absolutely nothing that compares to the smashing of hope, the absolute pulverisation of possibly the one thing keeping you going. The experience of having hope taken away will often scream some wake up call. The call, as internal dialogue, can sound a little like 'THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M DONE. YOU PEOPLE ARE ON YOUR OWN. FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF AND LEAVE ME ALONE'. Sometimes it pays to not keep our internal dialogue to our self.

I've found 'being in charge' can be taken in 2 ways, 1) to be the one dictating boundaries and demands and 2) plugging into all that charges you back up. As a human battery, people and situations can definitely drain the energy/life out of us, down to around what feels like 1% at times. I figure the 1% is the energy that keeps our body basically functioning.

Wondering whether you ever have those moments where you think 'I'm so careful/thoughtful with my words and my demands yet others just don't seem to have any issues with how they speak to me or what they expect from me. Why do I bother? Why don't I just say how I feel or what I think and just not care? Why can't I ever say 'Nup, couldn't care less'?'. Why does it take a pressure cooker moment, where we just can't tolerate one more bit of pressure before we explode or implode? it's not as though you can't feel the pressure building. I can't help but wonder whether it comes from the self destructive mantra we can be raised with that can go a little like 'Suck it up princess and get on with things. Life's tough. Stop feeling sorry for yourself'. I hate that Jacqui, I hate it so much. Why can't it go more like 'How you're feeling life and people or situations is valid. It's deeply telling. Let's explore'. So much nicer and a far more revealing approach. Unfortunately, suppression is more the way to go until it becomes intolerable.

I say vent, Jacqui. Vent like a maniac. Get it all out. I say make some serious demands. 'People, seriously, give me some heaven to work with as I work with what feels like hell on earth at times. I deserve better than hell on earth. Get your poop together and put me in a state of charge! Give me back some energy'. Do you have any 'earth angels' Jacqui? The kind of people who'll take you under their wing and say 'Don't worry, we've got this. You're not alone'? If you do, maybe it's time to gravitate more toward them 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi jacqui,

Wow Ur story sounds similar in ways to mine, to feeling like the system failed u

I have a psych now, and it's hard to rely on him, I try. I find the bad ones are overly authoritative, this man is collopanorztive

I guess I ask myself do I feel seen, respected...

That's what I need from health professionals

I'm sorry Ur struggling.

[Jacqui51]

Hi Sleepy21, this new psychiatrist is collaborative but I am still struggling big time to trust. Tomorrow I start a new medication as previous was impacting my weight. Having suffered from Anorexia I can't deal with weight gain, especially when this depressed.

Unfortunately my pain from Fibromyalgia is extreme today but I am hoping it will ease soon as have taken medication.

Hope you are managing okay.

[Guest_1643]

Hi jacqui, good luck with the new medication

I struggle so much with trust,

I feel like there is such a power imbalance, sometimes I can't feel my own legitimate concerns because I just trust Dr knows best.,,,they must right?

Glad Ur Dr seems OK and hope Ur instincts serve u well,

X