Tired of fighting this battle.

[Beaser]

I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

[Beaser]

Hi ER good to hear from you.

Nice to hear you caught up with some friends. Thats always nice.  Im sure they would have been very happy to see you too.

It was very hot here again yesterday a bit cooler today.

Yeh its hard to know where my anxiety comes from.  I think even as kid i was a very sensitive and nervous type.  I think i can remember my first serious bout of depression at about 13 but i can remember always being a nervous type.

The guy who im going camping with for a night has good intentions and i think he is trying to push me a bit.  I guess i need to remember its just a night and im going with a good person even though i feel a bit pushed at times. 

Im going to my local cricket club today for a family day so that will be a good outing.  

I hope you had a good restful day yesterday .  Its 9am here and starting to warm up a bit but not as hot as yesterday.  

Have a Happy Day.       Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett, 

That does sound like a good mate who is looking out for you. See if you can look forward to it, knowing he is a good guy. It’s good you have someone in your corner so to speak who is looking out for you.

I was a nervous kid too. I first remember consciously noticing anxiety at 11 and then it really took hold at 13. But it was sort of always there even before that without me knowing what it was. It’s good to be kind, patient and accepting with yourself. I’m not sure when I first experienced depression myself but I was immersed in it from the beginning with a very depressed mother. I think it manifested in me quite a bit later with the anxiety being stronger initially.

The family day out at the cricket sounds lovely. I hope you have a wonderful day Brett.

Take care,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Its interesting that we remember things occurring at similar ages.  

I also had a mother who suffered from depression.    Im not sure about how far things went back for her but i have heard it was in her family. 

I have always heard it passed through families.

Hope you had a peaceful  and happy weekend.

Brett.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Brett,

Yes, these things do get passed down. My mother’s mother had depression also and I think her mother too, so multiple generations.

I did have a peaceful weekend, thank you. I hope you had a nice time at the cricket. I hope today has been a lovely day too.

All the best,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Im glad you had a good weekend. 

Unfortunately i pulled out of the camping trip.   My anxiety got the better of me and i just couldnt cope with it.    I know its a shame but i cant help my anxieties .  I hope my mate doesnt get upset with me ,i just wish people could understand and not put pressure on at times.   Even though i know its well meaning.  He doesnt work on the days we were going so hepefully its no harm done.     I think the fact that he is new to fishing and camping and i felt pressure from that too.   

Wishing you a happy day    Beaser.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I wonder if it’s possible in situations to feel into what you really want to do? So to make a decision whether to go on something like a camping trip based on your preference rather than trying to please someone else? It sounds like you were feeling under pressure, but do you think he was putting pressure on you or you are putting it on yourself to please someone else? It sounds too like maybe you were feeling pressure to be a guide for him since he’s new to fishing and camping?

Sometimes when we become clearer about our own feelings and preferences it becomes easier to make decisions. I spent many years being a people pleaser doing whatever others suggested because I didn’t really grasp there were other options. So I too could feel under pressure. Sometimes the other person was putting pressure or expectations on me, other times they were just simply inviting me to something without it being about pressure or expectation. In either case, I didn’t used to feel like I had a choice and would feel under pressure regardless.

I’m learning now I have choices. I can make an informed decision based on what I feel in my heart I would really like to do. Where there is anxiety, it can help to get the source of the anxiety. So I’m learning to ask myself why I feel uneasy about something if that’s how I feel. Am I projecting past experiences into the current one? Is it something about the other person or is it just my anxieties? And why do I even have those anxieties?

Sometimes it’s like an archaeological dig into ourselves to find out why we even do things. I have had a pattern of running away from things that trigger me in certain ways. I’m beginning to turn and face those things now and understand the triggers. Bit by bit I’m starting to be able to face my fears and why they’re even there.

I don’t know if this self-exploration is something you could try with your psychologist? Sometimes just applying cognitive strategies to situations that cause anxiety doesn’t actually shift the pattern. It’s like a deeper understanding is needed.

 I hope you’ve had a good week. I’ve been through the loss of someone very close to me so it’s been a very emotional week. So if I disappear at times and take a while to respond I’m just dealing with things. I hope you have a really lovely weekend Beaser.

Take care,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Im very sorry to read of your loss . I totally understand it being such an emotional week i hope you are ok. My love and best wishes.  

You are right about making decisions based on how i feel rather than the need to please others. Its something i need to get better at. 

Its so crap to upset people when you just want to do the right thing . 

Sending my best wishes for the day.        Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly Beaser. I am ok. It has been very emotional but I am feeling a lot of love as well as pain, remembering the person.

I am thinking you may find that other people may not be upset if you choose not to do something, and if they are I guess see if you can let that be their problem, and not yours. I say that as someone who has always felt responsible for other people's emotions in the past and I would do things to make others happy rather than myself. I have found that my most meaningful friends will understand if I don't feel I want to do something. I did have some friends who would get upset and also be pushy and I realised those people were not really my closest, most genuine friends.

Of course there are some people who might be a bit upset because they like you as a person and were looking forward to spending time with you, but I think the most genuine friends will understand if you explain simply to that you don't want to do something. I remember once I invited one of my closest friends to a party. She was completely honest with me and said she doesn't like to go to parties because she doesn't feel comfortable at them. I really respected and appreciated her honesty and her courage to do what feels right for her. Then I realised that in a lot of ways I was similar in that I didn't enjoy parties all that much either. I used to go to them because I got invited but I always found them a bit uncomfortable. I realised I far prefer catching up with just a small group of people and doing something like going to a movie or out for a meal, rather than going to a big party with heaps of people. So after that I have honoured myself more as well and increasingly chosen the activities I prefer. So perhaps it would help to really honour yourself Beaser and really reflect on what you most enjoy and hone in on that.

I hope this week has been a good week for you. Have you had the time as a volunteer in Emergency yet?

Take good care of yourself,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

I understand feeling both love and pain after losing someone its a real roller coaster to lose someone close. Its such a personal thing losing someone we love. I hope you your great memories can shine through.

I did a walk through the ED last week , it went well and i think i will ask to do a couple of shadow shifts before committing.  I know it will be confronting at times . I have seen similar things with what im doing at times so maybe it will be a rewarding experience in being just some form of comfort to others.

You are right about my trip and i hope that people can have some understanding of the anguish we can go through with what may seem as a walk in the park to them.  Like ive said i never mean to do the wrong thing by anyone.

I hope the weather has been comfortable over in WA its been a very hot and dry summer in Vic and water storage levels are dropping and the land looks so thirsty.  So im hoping for some welcome rain soon. 

I hope you are ok today but i totally understand that its very tough at the moment.

Sending you a virtual hug and my best wishes.

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Beaser. Yes I have some good memories shining through.

I'm really glad the walk through the ED went well. That's a good idea to do a couple of shifts and get a feel for it before committing. You are a kind person and I'm sure your presence will be a comfort for others in whatever role you take. It is amazing sometimes how caring for others can also be caring for ourselves in a way. It's like being able to support others is so meaningful. Of course we always need to care for ourselves through the process too, something I've had to be aware of myself. But I really feel in life humans are meant to care for one another and that is the meaning of life itself, to have that relational connectivity with other people.

Yes, totally, you have never meant to do the wrong thing by anyone and you haven't done anything wrong. You are just managing these things as best you can which is all any of us can do with situations we find challenging. Some others may understand our challenges and some may not, but the important thing is we love and care for ourselves through the process. It is all ok and is all part of the process of learning about ourselves.

The weather is cool here today but we did have a couple of pretty warmish days before that. I have read about how hot and dry it has been in Victoria. That sounds like the previous summer we had here. I do hope you get some rain soon.

I am ok thank you. Yes, very emotional but really ok. Thank you so much for the hug and a warm hug to you too.

ER