Tired of fighting this battle.

[Beaser]

I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Im glad you had safe trip home. Im glad you got to have a rest and a break at the caravan park. 

Ive been ok just going through a bit of regret about life and past decisions , i know ive mentioned it before so i hope im ok to bring it up.   

Its times like this that i really miss family ,  It was hard to lose my parents so young and most of my friends still have theres to this day i would love nothing more than to hug mine one more time.  

Im sorry to be on a bit of a downer but sometimes i need  to vent in writing .

I hope you had a good weekend and are feeling ok with things. .  Im sure you would be missing your little friendly cat.   

Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

It would have been incredibly hard losing your parents at a young age. It’s really ok to express how you feel and about past decisions too. It’s so important to be kind to yourself and recognise you have always been doing your best. Even though I had many challenges with my parents I miss mine too. I really understand what you mean about wishing you could hug them one more time. Perhaps even imagine giving them a hug and feeling the love for them you have. Apparently our imagination is very powerful and the mind can feel something is real through things like imagination and visualisation and it can be a source of comfort. I’m sure they would want you to feel they’re love and feel peaceful and comforted.

I think we can find sources of love and guidance from others as we go through life. When I first came to live in this group of units a lovely elderly lady who lived across from me came and knocked on my door and invited me over for a cup of tea. We then caught up like that for the next couple of years until she began to decline and her daughter organised for her to go into a nursing home in another town. But she was like another mum to me and means so much. I’ve been to visit her in the nursing home which was lovely but I certainly miss her regular company here.

I think we can form new, mutually supportive relationships including with people who might be like a parent figure in some respects, even though after a certain age it’s more like you’re two adults even if they’re older. I think just staying in contact with people whose company is kind is important as we are sustained by human relationships.

Are there any practices or activities that help you connect to the present moment Brett? I find just sitting peacefully in nature, such as by a river, the ocean, in a park or other nature setting can be really helpful. Just realising the beauty and peace in the present moment, noticing the different sounds, smells, sights, the activities of birds etc. It often helps to alleviate worry about past and future and experience how good it is to be alive and connected to the world in the present moment. Sometimes I do a gratitude meditation too and just remember someone special with so much love and gratitude for who they were or are in my life, so it can be someone from the past or present. If they are from the past, I can feel their love and what was special about them and so much gratitude and it’s like it brings their beautiful presence as a person back into the present moment even if they’re not here now. In a way people are always there with us in our hearts.

 
You have a kind, caring heart Brett. I hope you can find some peace today. I do miss little fluffy cat but I am going to be looking after her again in June when her owner will be away a bit longer.

Take care and sending you a comforting hug Brett 🤗

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

I did my hospital shift yesterday and it was a good shift. Pretty busy its a bit of an odd situation its good to have all that contact but never good to see people battling.    Its good to know i can give some sort of comfort and assistance though. 

Its been a very hot summer here and a bad fire season, i have cousins in the fire area and by there facebook posts i can tell they are all very tired of it all. After today theres some cooler weather and even some rain on the radar.      Coming from the West you would cop a lot more hot weather than here. 

Im thinking about doing an extra shift at the Hospital maybe driving patients to appointments or even in ED where they always look for more volunteers.  Im ust a bit weary of taking too much on but maybe it would be good to talk to the supervisor about where she feels i would be a good fit.  

Wishing you a Happy Day      Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Beaser,

It’s great you had a good shift yesterday. I do understand what you mean though that it’s also hard seeing people struggling. I’m sure your kind presence makes a meaningful difference for those people. You are such a thoughtful, kind person.

It would be very hard and exhausting for your cousins in the fire area. I really hope the rain  on the radar is a decent amount and provides good relief for the area. There is a fair bit of hot weather here in WA but I’m in one of the spots that is fortunate to not get it as much. Perth is much hotter than here. I grew up in Perth though so I grew up with fairly hot summers. It was at least a dry heat mostly which I find more bearable than the humidity further north.

Taking on an extra shift could be a good thing, just doing it incrementally so not too much at once, as you say. Driving patients to appointments could be a really nice thing to do as it’s a nice social interaction for both of you. You can have nice chats along the way (with those who are into chatting). I think for many in care they can feel quite lonely and isolated at times and it can really bring a lift to their day to have a chat with a kind person such as yourself. I think that’s a great idea to chat with your supervisor about what would be a good fit for you.

Wishing you a Happy Day too Beaser,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER

Thanks for your message ive been a bit slow to get back. 

I had my phycologist yesterday and that went ok .   He wants me to try and keep busy which i know is right.   I am going to mow my friends grass today and have my volunteer role tomorrow so i have a bit of structure there.   

I told him pretty much what we had spoken about here at different times.  I mentioned how i had declined a couple of invites at Christmas i think he may have felt i need to make more of an effort but it was just a bad time for me this Christmas and i didnt feel up to it. 

Thank You ER.    Always good to hear from you.        Beaser 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

Yes, having things to do can definitely be helpful.

I don’t know if this helps with regard to deciding when to attend social events, but I’m increasingly learning to really listen in to myself when trying to make a decision. One thing my psychologist gets me to do is to really sense/feel into something to see how it feels to me. Often we can be trying to make decisions in a way that’s not quite connected with ourselves so by really sensing how something feels, it can become our guide/inner compass.

I find I have to discern between anxiety I may have about something that is a projection from within myself based on past anxiety issues, and anxiety that actually reflects that a situation isn’t right for me right now. In the former case it can be good to give myself a push to engage socially in a particular situation, in the latter case it’s my intuition telling me it’s not the right place, time or people to be social with. So I think it’s about learning to trust yourself about what feels right.

I hope you’ve been having a good day and that you enjoy your shift tomorrow.

Take care Beaser,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER

My shift yesterday went well, it was very busy but thats a good thing also.    

I spoke to my supervisor about taking on another shift.  Its possibly in emergency .   She is going to take me on a walk through next week with no pressure of taking it on.     Im happy to do that and see how i feel .    I know it could be a bit confronting in there but maybe very rewarding too.   

How have you been ?   Finally some cooler weather here but another hot burst coming on the weekend.             Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Beaser,

That’s great you are going to get the walk through with your supervisor in emergency. I really admire the volunteer work you do, making a difference to other people’s lives. I’ve known a nurse who really enjoyed working in emergency because she was action-oriented and she felt purposeful. I imagine it could be confronting at times but, yes, potentially rewarding. It’s good to be able to try it out and see how you feel.

I am ok except I’ve had really bad insomnia in recent weeks. So it’s now coming up to 3:15am and I haven’t slept a wink. So I’ll be drowsy in the day ahead. I am actually doing better generally though despite the lack of sleep.

It’s nice you’ve had some cooler weather. It actually rained here the previous night which was really lovely.

Take care and have a happy day,

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks ER.

Sorry to hear of your insomnia the nights can seem long in those times. 

I tend to forget about our time difference ,3hrs in daylight saving.  

Thanks for your positivity about the emergency role i think its certainly worth looking at it.

I had a session with my phycologist on Tuesday. It went well .   

Im finding things a bit scary at the moment and have anxiety about going away next week for a night camping.  I am really struggling with leaving my comfort zone this year. I just hate to be commited to things maybe that is a bit odd   im not sure.   Hope you can get some more rest i would think 3.40 am there now.         Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

 I imagine the feeling of not wanting to leave your comfort zone will have a basis in some process going on inside of you. I’ve always found there is an inner logic to what I’m feeling, even if it takes me a long while to work out what it is. So I don’t think it’s odd to be feeling reluctant to commit to things, but something that will make sense for you. Are you able to sense/feel into what it is that makes you feel uncomfortable with future commitments? I find listening into my body helps in understanding such things. It often helps me to let go of consciously trying to solve it mentally and just letting myself feel into it more intuitively. Often then answers begin to emerge through feelings and sensations that often bring imagery as well. And then I’m like, that’s what was bothering me or that makes sense now.

Sometimes we are trying to override our challenging feelings/anxieties that keep coming up. In a way they keep presenting because it’s like the underlying issue is still trying to resolve in us. But once we see what it is, it becomes possible to understand and often let go of the fear and anxiety. I have found cognitive strategies on their own don’t necessarily work to solve these things and I have to work more intuitively with my body, feelings and memory. After that it becomes easier to apply some cognitive strategies, but initially I find I need to work with sensing and intuition.

Possibly feelings of commitment have certain associations for you in the context of your life. I have had feelings of ambivalence around commitment many times. I had a friend wanting me to go camping with her some years ago. I initially agreed but then declined because I felt uneasy, still sometime before the planned trip. She got quite angry with me actually and that confirmed for me she probably wasn’t the right person for me to go on a trip with. But I think for me my boundaries have always felt very vulnerable in the past and so I can easily feel overrun by the interests and demands of others. Sometimes the only way I can gain a sense of control is by not committing and I’m actually being cautious for a reason. The trick for me has been learning when my cautiousness is warranted and when it is a projection of fear I’m carrying from past experiences that may not be relevant to the current situation.

Those are just my experiences. What your concern with commitment is for you may be something quite different. It may be something you could explore in more depth with your psychologist, if he is open to looking into that with you. In any case be kind to yourself. I think it always helps to know that when we feel anxiety about anything it’s our body’s way of trying to help us and communicate with us. It’s often a case of learning to sense what that communication is and then we understand ourselves better and have some ideas of how to go forward.

I hope it’s a good weekend for you Beaser. I had a lovely time yesterday catching up with friends who are housesitting in a neighbouring town. I’m having a restful day today.

Take good care and wishing you a happy weekend,

ER