Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic · ‎16-06-2020

Hi,

since finding out my husband of 12 years cheated & lied to me for the whole relationship yet portraying himself as a champion of women & a totally devoted empathetic husband my life has gone from one disaster after another. My 21 year old son had seizures & was in icu in feb. Unknown cause & he still can’t drive, still going for lots of tests & specialist appts, my 2 cats died in the last 6 months. I had to put my beloved horse down last Friday. My job ends in 2 weeks & I don’t have another. And my now ex is being horrendous about the property settlement. I’ve had to hire a lawyer at $500 an hour to even get just 50% which the ex is only conceding to give me 44%. That’s the measure of his fake remorse. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Bullshit. There’s only so much you can take before your permanently damaged. I had an ultrasound to check a cyst yesterday & was disappointed to learn the cyst has shrunk. Ovarian cancer would have been a graceful way out of the shitstorm that is my life.

Chumptastic · ‎14-09-2020

I've only had one appt with the psych. She is very nice.

You seem to have had a much worse time with your ex than mine. You must be a super resilient and strong person to go thru that and come out the other side.

I'm afraid I'm not that strong or resilient or I've lost it along the way...I know there are a multitude of people out there worse off....but that makes it somehow worse....

I'm expecting an answer from ex's lawyer today about my final offer of 53% to him. I didn't want to offer that much but I just want to move on....But he wants 56% and I'm expecting him to say no. He's happy in a new relationship....sent me divorce papers and put my occupation down as unemployed which was more hurtful than it should have been....I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel this time, only darkness.

ecomama · ‎15-09-2020

I pity your ex husbands new partner - another chump in the making.

If it cost you one incorrect word on the divorce papers to save you $1300+ for a divorce then that was a cheap price to pay! That's my take away from exHs attempts at a low blow in his attempts to upset you.

REALISING ex wanted to hurt me in any possible way known to man was what helped give me the energy to DRESS up and call it. I had God on my side, clearly, no one said I would get what I proposed.

I studied narcs and psychopaths relentlessly so I knew ex better than it did itself.
I knew how to "play the game" and won.

I won because I went NC, thrashed it in Courts, rose above the crap and left the demon for dust. We ALL did. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Absolutely there are plenty of people worse off than us! 100%.

But by helping myself and supporting my children, forging on with work and knowing the systems to keep working for us, exhausted as I get, I would NEVER be ex.

Feeling dragged down by others being worse off is showing your cup empty... you don't have to feel superior to others because you are better off. Showing compassion begins with showing it for ourselves.

Brene Brown's "The Call to Courage" and the works of Kristen Neff about self compassion may help you alot right now.

Almost out of the woods of Family Law for you.

Planning a beautiful life is what's ahead.

Chumptastic · ‎15-09-2020

So it gets worse. Not only does he reject my offer but he accuses me of stalking & intimidation. It was a truly toxic letter devoid of any politeness in letter to my old lawyer. Said some horrible things besides the accusations. Which are untrue. Luckily BB counsellor called and he managed to talk me down. I took an extra dose of meds last night to help me sleep but they didn’t work. Feel thr wirst I’ve ever felt. Haven’t eaten in 24 hours. If his goal was to destroy me then it’s worked

ecomama · ‎15-09-2020

Ignore ignore ignore.

Ensure there is zero evidence of anything on your phone.

I would block ex and all people connected with ex on FB or any other social media.

Don't let ex "destroy" you. These are merely words on paper with zero evidence.

He is trying to intimidate you and coerce you to sign off on a larger share to him.

He may Lodge in FLC with this new perspective - who knows.
If so, you will need all the strength you can muster.

If you give in then he knows this worked. He is an abuser and you are better to be rid of anything connected to him.

monkey_magic · ‎15-09-2020

Hi Chumptastic,

Ecomama has given you excellent advice.

I'd also like to say don't let him get the better of you. Please do not let a man destroy you.

I'm just checking in wondering whether you've had some sleep and something to eat. You matter more than this whole thing you are dealing with.

Please take extra good care of yourself.

Chumptastic · ‎17-09-2020

Thanks for your replies EM & MM. I saw my Gp & he said my meds didn’t work bc I didn’t eat. I’ve got some sleep since then and my appetite has returned.
I wish I could have the strength to fight this sociopath I used to call the most wonderful man in the world but I’m so wounded. I’ve taken a week off work to try to get a handle on all this & im staying with my sister in law who has been v supportive in all this. She’s appalled at her brother in laws treatment of me. I’ve also realised that once my job ends at the end of October I won’t be eligible for jobseeker as the money kept in the trust account from the sale of the property will put me over the asset limit. I’ll have to couch surf as I can’t afford lawyers bills and rent. I know I sound pathetic. I’m just so tired of this heavy load of pain always with me. I might be having a lovely conversation with friends & during a silence in the conversation I feel it as though it’s underlying all the nice experiences. TBH I think the happy feelings are the fake ones & the heavy feelings of dispair are the real ones. I’m still suicidal every day. Most of the time I can keep the thoughts at bay. But I don’t know how long I can keep going.
Ecomama theres nothing on my phone that is in any way incriminating. I’ve blocked him on every platform I can. We still have mutual friends on fb but I don’t post about him at all.

Sophie_M · ‎17-09-2020

Hey Chumptastic,

Thanks for reaching out to your friends on the forum to keep us updated on how you've been going. We are glad to hear that you've managed to get some sleep and your appetite has returned, however we're really sorry to hear that things thoughts are still really overwhelming at the moment. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, and if you're wanting a little bit of extra support tonight, we'd really urge you to reach out to the friendly counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We're all here to help you through this, and please feel free to keep updating us on how you're feeling, whenever you feel up to it.

ecomama · ‎18-09-2020

Dear CT

Your emotional pain and grief are real. You can and will deal with these feelings over time.

But it's your choice if you're going to let this situation define your entire life.

Pushing past those suicidal thoughts is REALLY important. Moving into a mind space where you KNOW you're going to get through this.

I hope you realise ONE very important thing....if anything happens to you then exH and his new partner gets 100% of that money sitting in trust.

It doesn't matter if you write a Will leaving your share to your sons.
Whilst you are still legally married, it ALL goes to your ex.

So looking at this very sensibly.
You were upset about ex not accepting 53%? He wanted 56%.

Yet the conclusion of any extreme thoughts would give him the LOT.
No way Jose.

Now THAT'S not fair.

You can sign new paperwork with your Lawyers to take any further invoices out of your money upon Settlement.

You need to talk with Centrelink about money to support you since you have ZERO income in a month and no access to monies in Trust. You can pay them back later when the money comes out. Anyway you're getting another job.

I'm being bossy because no way do I want to see a good person's life thrown away because of a lying cheat.

I don't know why you're giving him so much of your precious headspace when he absolutely doesn't deserve a dot of it.

You will get through this.

EM

Chumptastic · ‎18-09-2020

Yes I know he’d win if I died but he wouldn’t be entitled to all the money. I’ve researched it. Anyway I’ve promised myself I’ll wait until I have an answer about arbitration or a settlement. I’ve retracted my offer bc I really need & deserve 50%. There’s a positive tho. He’s repartnered & under the FL act I can ask for the financials of the new partner. Then his better financial position bc of his new victim will likely be more $$ in my favour. Karma for someone who can’t be alone for a moment and has cheated thru 2marriages. So I’ll wait to see the reaction to that question too.

ecomama · ‎19-09-2020

Hi CT

Indeed a new partner's income can be considered in the financial settlement.
I would most definitely USE this. Call for it and use it. My friend is using this exact consideration now in her Settlement although her ex has remarried another Dr.

If you have any Legal questions and don't want to run up your Lawyer's bill, then you can phone Women's Legal Service (WLS) at any point. Ongoing.

They don't have a financial motive and I used their brilliant advice all throughout my cases, alongside Lawyers (Family and criminal), Police Investigations and Barristers in same.

It was the advice from WLS that kept all my legals on their toes, informed them in fact, via me.
My legals didn't like it but WLS guidance was another reason I won my cases.

I would phone them and ask them about the marital assets upon demise of either party.

I was advised to "get a Divorce like yesterday", right smack bang in the middle of 3 ongoing Court cases. It was a nightmare to apply for Divorce too but I did it and applied for a Hardship Application for approval - got that too. Even though I owned considerable property etc.

Our lives were being threatened at the time and I was sure that my NEW Will would cover the kids.

Since we weren't Divorced, it wouldn't. We had been separated for years.

"Separation" has no legal status for property settlement was the straight down the line legal advice I was given numerous times.

So I divorced.

Best wishes
EM