It here again

[Scared]

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could  understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Scared,

I agree with Croix that using your anger to set a boundary with him is important. By that I mean being clearly assertive. In the past I have had certain types of people latch onto me and invade my space uninvited. I found it very hard to manage. But I’ve gotten stronger out of a self-preservation instinct. If you can activate that need in you to protect your vulnerable self right now, it may help to let this person know you have a boundary you don’t want them to cross. If they persist, I think you have a case for contacting the police as Croix mentions. You can at least see if there’s anything they can do.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this right now. You really need your own space in which to rest and take care of yourself.

Take care,

ER

[Scared]

Thanks Eagle

[indigo22]

Hello dear Scared,

I'm sorry I have not been in touch sooner, haven't been feeling 100%, getting a blood test this week to try to figure out what's going on.

Your unwelcome visitor sounds a lot like someone I used to deal with. We were acquaintances, but I think he saw us as good friends. That would be okay if he didn't suck up my energy as you have said and talk incessantly. He too used to just rock up at my door uninvited and spend the next couple of hours trying to engage me in conversation. I ended up telling him that it was not okay to just turn up at my door any time he wished and this did work for a little while but it didn't last. Unfortunately, there are people who cannot fathom what you are going through and are more interested in getting their own needs met.

When I moved to live with my mother as her carer, I didn't let him know I was moving, let alone where I was moving to. I saw him some years later and I definitely got the impression that he was not happy with me, but he had met someone in the meantime, so I didn't give it another thought. What I did may sound mean to some, but there are occasions where we either do something like that or take up a 2x4 and give them a good whack 😉.

I know it is not in your nature to be mean or rude, but when you stop to think about it, that is exactly what he is doing to you. He clearly has no respect for your personal space, your need for solitary time, or to preserve your energy. My best suggestion at this point - next time he texts you to say he is out the front, text back saying 'there is a good reason why I didn't tell you where I was moving to, and this is it. Please have enough respect to leave me be.' I understand that may be difficult for you, but it is time to take the bull by the horns.

Be sure to keep us updated,

indigo 💜

[Scared]

Hi Indigo

I hope you are ok

Dont be sorry about not being in touch

You focus please on getting well again.

I think a good thing about beyond is that people understand we cant always be there.

Yeh a 2x4 thats funny Indigo.

Some people have such a low state of awareness of their impact on others its really quite humorous.

I was well aware he was feeding off me and I used to get so incredibly drained.

I have so much agony in my head as it is and now I find Im avoiding people in this new place because Im frightened of it happening again.

I have an intake call with Pyschiatrist on Monday.  I hope they can help me end this suffering.  Im trying to hang on but everything takes so long.

I wish I could stop crying all the time.

I cry when I watch a happy moment in a movie I cry at sad things that happen to people and cry out to my Lord please help these people. But god wont help them or me.

I have had such a hard time connecting to Jesus for help.  I dont think god sees me as worthy of help.

I told god I understand his decision and Im not angry tho I am bitter.

Now I dont talk to Jesus anymore and I miss him so much.

I didnt want to talk to god in the first place because I been absent all my life and I felt insincere about asking for help now when I needed it.  I was in so much fear and pain I had nowhere else to turn.

If god wants me to keep suffering then what can I do Indigo.

I wish for you to feel well very very soon

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I am glad to hear you have a call with a psychiatrist on Monday, I hope they will help you find an end to your suffering too. Please update us on how it goes.

I need to have a heart to heart talk with you about your belief that you are not worthy of help. This could not be further from the truth. We are a spark of the source that you refer to as god, but god is not a man or any other defined entity. You will never be judged by source, or Jesus or anyone else in that realm, the only one who judges us is ourselves, it is part of being human that we do this. Mental health issues can get in the way of making connections so don't give up on talking to them, they will hear you even if you can't hear them. There are times when we are not given help, but this has nothing to do with being deserving or not, it has everything to do with what is in our best interest at the time. If you think about it, really think about it, you will recognise that you are in fact being helped. Things did not go well at the hospital, but look at what has happened since. You have a psych nurse supporting you, you no longer sleep with cockroaches (I hope), you are awaiting an intake call, and you have us to talk to when you need us. From my perspective, that is a big step up from when you first posted here on the forums. I know your struggle is still very significant but there are signs that this could change in the near future so please try to focus on the positive changes that have been happening.

I also would like you to do something for me, even if not for yourself initially. There is a movie I would very much like you to see and, as luck would have it, the movie is available to watch for free at the moment. You will need to register for free to watch it and there will be additional interviews over the next 2 days with updates on further discoveries since the movie was made 3 years ago. If you can put aside a couple of hours today and a little less over the next 2 days, I promise you will benefit from the information you hear. Please make sure you register today if possible as I don't want you to miss out on this opportunity. Look up 'sourcethefilm.org' which will take you to the page to register for the event which is called 'A Weekend Beyond Belief', you will be able to watch the movie as soon as you get a response back from them via email (I hope you have an email address you can use for the registration?).

I will be very interested in hearing your feedback about the content.

I will be okay, just need to figure out what my symptoms are pointing to and will know more when the blood test results come back next week.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

Indigo have given you a very sensible reply, pointing out things that you can  be relieved about despite such hard experiences (no cockroaches has has to be a plus:). I hope you psychiatrist can be a help.

It just occurred to me if that person texts they are outside your door and simply text back you are not letting them in and to away. Then switch your phone to silent. Eventually the message will get there. It is probably a better based solution than Indigo's timber based one:)

I was brought up in a religions household and am now not a believer however I'm widely read and do have had friendship wiht clerics in the past. As a result I'm not sure you can judge religion on human standards.

True if you asked a person you had ignored all your life to assist you the response could be eihter helpful or not. Religion is different.  There is the parable of the lost sheep (Luke 15) as an indication.  The world is full of accounts of people who have come to religion late, often prompted by something disastrous that has happened to them - then asked for help. It is accepted. The most telling is last minute conversions from non-believer to having faith and asking forgiveness, these are a common practice

endorsed, even assisted, by clergy. 

Being worthy again is not something that goes by human standards, my understanding that religion wil embrace anyone, no matter what they have done. Clergymen are allowed in prisons, just one example.

It reminds me of a version of "Sky Pilot" by the Animals that showed pictures of clergy blessing pilots of all sides in WW2 and also the damage and suffering those pilots caused.

So if you believe in religion don't give up, look to it for comfort. You are as deserving as anyone else in the world.

Croix

[Scared]

Thank you Croix

[Scared]

Thank you I will do that

[Scared]

I was too late as I only got your reply Sunday evening.

I know of Dispensa.

I have seen many youtube shorts and tried to piece together like a story board of lots of information.

Im upset I missed it

I bet you would have learnt alot

I did register but It doesnt seem to rerun

[indigo22]

If you registered, you should be able to watch it. Because of the time difference, you should still have a day to watch everything. Did you get an email back from them with a link to watch? If it doesn't work, it's ok, I will try to give you a run down on what it was all about after I have watched the last videos tomorrow. I have see the movie before so I am pretty familiar.