It here again

[Scared]

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could  understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

[Scared]

Thx eagle ray

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I am so relieved to hear you are moving to a new place, I don't know how you survived in those conditions for so long either. Winter without a heater is just cruel, enjoy getting warm in your new living space.

For some reason I had not been aware of the previous posts and read through them today. With regards to your cowardly monster, now that you know what the message is try to give it love and acceptance, it is a part of yourself that has been neglected for too long and has grown out of proportion. It is seeking your attention and can only do that when your mind is not otherwise occupied, perhaps you could now try connecting while you are practising mindfulness.

I understand that you have some fear attached to moving, it is the unknown that is creating that fear. Try to remember that you have been through far worse in these past months and you have survived. Remind yourself of the things that matter most about this move, no more cockroaches, unkind people around you and the ability to get warm. These things alone will make your days easier to get through. You can also call on Jesus to help when you feel frightened, he will respond any time you call. He works closely with Archangel Michael who will also be present whenever you call, if you request it, he will cut any cords that are binding you to past situations and people that are no longer in your best interest to be attached to. They will always be available to you but because of our free will, they will not intervene, you must ask for their help.

I am really pleased to hear you now have a psych nurse supporting you. I truly feel, for the first time since we began communicating, things are heading in a more positive direction for you and I look forward to hearing about your progress. You deserve so much more than you have experienced thus far.

We will always be here for you.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo 💜

[Scared]

Thank you

I dont know Archangel Michael

I will investigate that right now 
I went to church today and it was empty.

I sat alone with God praying for help

[Scared]

Doctors have left a scar on me.

I never retaliate as I dont have energy to spare.

I would love to tell you what they did and said but its still too draining on me to discuss it atm.

I need to learn to protect myself and be kind to myself 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Scared,

I just want to support you in protecting and being kind to yourself. It’s so important. Doctors don’t always get it right. One thing I have found is resourcing myself as much as possible by doing my own research has helped me understand myself better and approaches that are actually helpful for me. I know it’s not always easy to do that when going through a lot and feeling so vulnerable, but when you can find insight into what’s happening and approaches and ways of understanding that connect for you, it can be empowering and also help you to advocate for yourself.

I’ve had significant harm done to me by doctors over the years and even recently my normally very good psychologist did a therapy with me without following the safety protocols for that therapy and without informed consent, resulting in significant harm to me. So I really understand that feeling of being scarred and ideally it shouldn’t happen. But what I think can really help is to connect with kind and good people and allow that to help you to feel more grounded and protected. I’m so glad you have friends who could help you get to a new place to live and that you have the psych nurse now. See if you can keep orienting towards positive sources of kindness and good experiences to pull you through and begin some healing.

As your description of the parts of yourself you have described are similar to mine, I have wondered whether any of the psych professionals you have engaged with have looked at dissociative conditions as part of what you’re experiencing? Sometimes parts of us dissociate as a way of coping with past trauma or ongoing stress. This is quite adaptive and makes a lot of sense. We can learn to connect and dialogue with these internal parts in a constructive way. So instead of them acting in ways that seem out of our control we can become more integrated and work collaboratively with those parts which can be healing. Unfortunately not all psych professionals are that knowledgeable about dissociation. I just wonder if it’s relevant for you? I don’t know if the psych nurse would be a good person to discuss it with. It’s important to distinguish between psychosis (where a person believes certain visions and experiences as real) and dissociative parts where you understand they are parts of yourself and you have mindful awareness. You do have that mindful awareness and it’s important for psych professionals to understand that. Ideally you want someone to work with you to help build your inner resources and strengths. As vulnerable as you feel right now, I feel there’s great strength in you too, and remember too that vulnerability itself is a strength - the capacity to be a sensitive and insightful human being.

Take care,

ER

[Scared]

Thanks Eagle

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

yu mentioned:

"I would love to tell you what they did and said but its still too draining on me to discuss it atm."

I've found htat tme can act as a buffer, and things htat are really bad don't dissapear, but maybe are not as corrosive.

When something happens -a doctor's blunder for instance - htere is a burning desire to tell others. If that makes the doctor change his treatment then that makes sense. Now you have an advocate.

For others if you wait it can become less draining, particularly if you can concentrate on other things like your new digs.

This is just how I try to handle things, that's just me. You may need to talk about it nearly straight away.

I'm glade some good things have happened to you, it's about time

Croix

[Scared]

Thx croix

Im really upset at the moment.

The last year I spent in hell.

Part of that hell was being cornered daily by a resident who would talk for hours at a time. Every conversation down every rabbit hole then back to the main story and this would go on for 2 hours a time.

Doesnt matter what the subject he would make it into a story by going back to beginning and deviate then back again while im scratching my eyes out in agony.

I could feel the life being sucked out of me daily while he fed on my soul as he would start by saying " Did you know "

Even a plain pencil he would go on about its origin and easily would go on for 20 min about it.

And he had not a clue as to my suffering at his onslaught not an ounce of awareness.  Even when one day I slipped and cried out "  omg will this insanity ever come to an end.

So it was planned i move.

My friends had become aware of the pyscological abuse on me by this person and instructed me not to tell him where im moving to.

Daily he would ask me new address as tho his life depended on it.  Over and over he asked and I would give him a idea only but never the address as it is a very long street.

My friend help me on moving day and I warned my friend that she was going to be grilled about the address.

And sure enough he did.

We were running out of that place for our lives and I told my friend "  see I told you"

Today I get a text from this guy " Im out front"

Omg panick set in.  How did he possibly find me.  He had deduced my address by the real estate sign out front.

In a panick i said i was out shopping nearby.

He came back and said " out front again"

I didnt know what to do so a few minutes later i went out front and he was gone.

I called beyond blue and talked a long while.  Then after that texted i went out front but you were not there.

He then had the audacity to have the shits with me and argue that my response was so late as i was talking to beyond blue. He was not even an invited guest.

Im suffering so deep in depression as it is but I cant even make up a story like this. 
Please beyond blue what is happening to me.  Who are these people .

This guy will sit in my place and have me suffering and on edge forever.

I dont bother people then why do they bother me.

Im too afraid to tell my friends this story because they will have a fit.

I told this guy "what is wrong with you"

And I didnt do anything wrong to deserve him having the shits with me

[Scared]

Croix many times I stood in limbo too petrified at the verbal onslaught I would have to endure as I passed him on the way in or out as he guards the only entry point 14 hours a day.

I have sat outside some nights too weak from depression and too scared to walk back inside.

The last 3 months I was a prisoner in my windowless roach infested smelly room to avoid anymore of these rants. Im so exhausted.

Now Im quite angry at him having the gaul to get upset with me as tho its my fault he was put out for coming uninvited.

Im struggling mentally as it is in this new environment without people going out of their way to distress me.

And Im sick and tired of the outside world coming into my bleak outlook with disturbing me. Also really angry that people only give a moment to my sickness and forget as quickly.

How dare someone make me suffer more than I am just so they can suck on my soul for their own gain.

Leeches leeches

I found Jesus this year and I love him but I find it too hard to forgive people who take from the vulnerable.

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

This person sounds as if they are stalking you, both in person and on the phone. It can't go on, it is having too much of an effect on you. Being stalked can make one feel powerless, frustrated and afraid, wiht no end in site

You have tried avoiding him, however he has been too persistent. You had a friend or friends that helped you move, are they willing to approach him, tell him he is stalking and if he does not go away they will call the cops? It's probably a bluff but you never know, it might have an effect.

Block him on your phone -easy to do. Use your anger to demand he leave you alone, then you call the cops and see what they say. You did move in part to get away from him. It may be they won't do anything, however you don't know until you try.

Good  luck

Croix