It here again

[Scared]

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could  understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

[Scared]

Thank you croix for your response

Today im back in hospital

Im alone and scared of my future.

[Scared]

Sometimes i have to be blunt because of at times i need to save my emotional energy for myself.

Yet if i can deliver a response that is direct and concise and have a clear point to it then that helps both me and the person whom has reached out.

Not all my responses make it past our moderators.   Im still learning where the boundary lies 

[indigo22]

Hi Scared,

I am glad to hear you are back in hospital, you may not necessarily like being there, but while you are there, you don't have to deal with your home environment or the other people there. That is a good thing in itself.

Thinking of you,

indigo

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

I've found hospital frightening, both for my future which seemed as bleak, and also for the loss of control, being unable ot leave and not having much choice of medication - plus other patients who could actually appear upsetting.

As Indigo said at least at the moment you do not have to deal wiht the people where you normally live, I remember looking down several floors from a ward window (which prudently did not open very far) and saw people , small and foreshortened viewed from on top, carrying on with their lives, and feeling removed from them, something I was glad of.

Ward life is not pleasant and mostly boring. My means of handling that was escape into novels, I don't know if you read much, perhaps hear a  books or videos might be better. the last ward had headphones and monitored computers so you did not have to rely on your phone all the time.

With having some posts rejected is simply a matter of finding you way to present things in a different way.  I find I can get most ideas across if I choose how to do it. Bluntness, if not taken too far, can be a welcome approach. The Forum Guidelines give some idea of the basic rules, then it is a matter of practice.

I think you would be surprised at how much your words and conduct contribute to the welfare of others here.

Croix

[Scared]

Thank you all

I am frightened and alone here

I dont know whats happening to me

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

I get what you mean about being alone, but would you like to tell me me about not knowing what is happening to you?

Croix

[Scared]

Im afraid of not being able to cope in this world anymore.

I cant see an end to this suffering and I dont understand why i cant cope this time.

Everything seems an impossibility and I dont know how to survive with this handicapped brain of mine.

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I know your post is a reply to Croix.

I'm sorry you are so afraid, I just want you to know we are still here holding this safe space for you.

Are you still in hospital?

Is there a possibility that you are having a reaction to a medication that is leaving you with these feelings of not being able to cope this time? I hope you have talked this through with someone on the medical staff.

Thinking of you,

indigo 🌻

[Scared]

Yes still in hospital indigo

I been withdrawing from meds lately b4 they start me on new ones

Thx for checking on me indigo

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

If you don't mind me saying so I liked the way you thoughts to thank Indigo, despite all that is happening you at the moment you have retained your standards and treat others well. I think this is a sign of coping, despite the feelings you may have of loss and fear and lack or faith in yourself.

Indigo may be right. I know coming off several meds made me feel more hopeless and going on a couple of new ones made me suicidal. Needless to sat they were dropped at once.

As I've mentioned I am some that make life very different place.

In hospital is probably the best place to change over meds as there should be competent staff to hand most of the time. Have you mentioned the feelings you are having at the moment? It might be a case of slowing the change-over, dunno, not a doctor.

Your responses to other people in the forum show wisdom. I guess you are like a deep pond, with great reserves underneath that may not be visible on the surface. Things you can rely on to see you through. (Probably does not make sense, at least I know what I mean:)

Do you mind if I ask how you keep yourself occupied in the ward?

Croix