I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎27-02-2023

Hi Bob, I spent the entire in bed today, was supposed to get up at 8am, but woke up after 10am to realise that I hadn't set up my alarm properly. Went back to bed and only got out of bed to use the bathroom. I have had woken up with greenish looking phlegm in my throat, and suspect that I have an infection in my throat or tonsils. I'm going to call and make an appointment with my GP for later in the week. And will try again tomorrow to run my errands that I was supposed to do today. I'm going to hang out my washing and have an early night. I just want to get over this, whatever it is. I have no idea when I'm too have my gallbladder surgery as they last thing I heard from the hospital was that it was going to be after the 21st February and so far, haven't heard anything yet. I don't think I should have it right now with my throat issues because it will just push it all into my lungs if i had an anaesthetic. The last thing I want is for this to turn into pneumonia or something much worse. Thanks for your kind words.

james1 · ‎28-02-2023

Hello Bbydoll,

Ah no, I'm sad to hear that you're ill after what seemed to be such a nice afternoon at the play a week ago. That's so disappointing that your physical health is just really letting you down.

I like what you said about being kinder to yourself and just making sure you keep eating and drinking, and having a shower, at the hardest times. I understand what you mean about wishing someone was there for you at these times, and I hope things improve. But until then, often the best we can do is just keep getting by and trying to take care of ourselves the best we can. Being kind to ourselves is not only the first step in that, it's also probably the most fair thing to do when life just isn't being fair or kind.

Wishing you the best for now, and I hope your body gets over whatever this current illness is soon.

James

Bbydoll · ‎02-03-2023

Hi James, thank you for the kind words and support, I really appreciate it! I ran some errands and got my meds finally. I won a double pass to see an Aussie band play in my home town tomorrow night. I have asked a lady who works in the local shopping centre to come along, as I put up the invite on my (small) Facebook page and of course it goes unanswered. She is going to be picking me up tomorrow and driving us down there. We're going to grab some dinner downstairs and watch the show. Best of all, the show is seated as well. She will probably drop me home too. She's older than me, but we both love live music and I always chat with her when I'm shopping there.

I'm seeing my friend in a musical, towards the end of the month and hoping to have one on one time with him when I Can finally tell him how I feel about him. And I am anxious about that!!!! I've never told anyone those 3 special words nor have I heard them from anyone either.

Bbydoll · ‎06-03-2023

I tried to post and the site lost my post. The gig was cancelled. I went to the Frida Kahol interactive art exhibition in Sydney and enjoyed it. But am very unwell as a result.

I Also reacted to the medication to fix my 6 week old sore throat - so took myself off it.

I'm really angry. Angry with my health issues, frustration has increased too. And feel like I'm going to snap at any second because anything I do sets my health back and I can't take much more of it.

I have flying bugs in my apartment because I didn't take out the rubbish because I was bedridden with my throat issues. I have removed the rubbish but don't have the energy to clean up the dirty dishes and messy apartment. My cockroach problem is getting worse. The next few days are going to be very hot and only have a fan and don't deal with the heat. I hate my life and can't take much more of this constant struggle

james1 · ‎12-03-2023

Oh no! I’m sorry to hear how things went downhill after what seemed to be a relatively optimistic period a week ago. I understand how those issues would make you feel really angry and ready to snap. Having issues compound on each other is so overwhelming. I hope your health gets a bit easier so , so you can at least feel a little better and able to deal with one or two other issues.

I did not realise there was a Frida exhibition on. Is this the Mexican painter? I watched the movie Frida which was so interesting, I’d love to see it. Sounds like it’s a worthwhile visit?

just so you know, I’m travelling for work overseas so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to check in over the next week, but will keep you in mind while I’m away. I hope things improve over the next week.

james

Bob_22 · ‎12-06-2023

Hi Bbydoll,

It's been a few months now. How is everything going for you? Hope you have been ok.

Remember to reach out if you need anything.

Bob

Bob_22 · ‎20-12-2023

Hi Bbydoll,

Hope you've been okay since I last touched base.

Just wanted to update you that I will be pulling back from the forums as I've started full time work as a mental health support worker. I'm currently working as a peer support worker, which I'm loving, but find it difficult to come home after work and continue to wear my "peer worker" hat on the BB forums. I've therefor come to the decision that I should probably withdraw from the forums for the time being as I do not want to do a half-job.

I hope you don't feel as though you are alone in your journey though. There are great posters here as well as the tireless support of our moderators and counsellors who are always available through https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor.

Please be kind to yourself.

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎20-01-2024

I'm so sorry Bob, I've been having difficulties logging onto this site, maybe because I switched from my tablet to my phone.

I came across notification of this response via an email sent to me. Today my Facebook page was hacked, so I've been changing as many of my accounts as I can manage. It's exhausting. I'm still dealing with daily chronic pain, but have recently done some therapy alongside the local pain management team. Its been very interesting to say the least. I'm still suffering with suicide thoughts, rotting teeth and generally bad health issues. I'm finally going to get more counselling and seeing my GP next week to organise it. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard with no support system. I was lucky that I think (I hope) my brother has saved my Facebook account as it's been my lifeline to the world and some support. But messenger is down and I use it daily to connect with my bestie overseas.

I don't know if you'll see this, but thank you for your support it meant a lot to me and I hope that you enjoy your new role.

Bbydoll · ‎20-01-2024

On good news, I had my gallbladder removed, through keyhole. I was released a day later. I even got a bit of help with some services to finally pick up a new vaccum cleaner and help with vaccuming, washing floors, washing up dishes etc for the first couple of weeks as I wasn't allowed to lift anything too heavy, incase it caused a hernia whilst i was healing. The first few weeks were painful, but I actually feel so much better without it. My surgeon said that there was a lot of scar tissue around it, probably from the previous surgeries and he said he didn't think it was working for some time.

My male friend is still the same situation. But he has had added family stress with an ailing father, and a rebellious adult child. I worry about his own health, as he tries to do everything for everyone. I still haven't had our talk. And he has another show coming in a few months time. I saw him briefly last year, after one of his shows, and he's driven me home a few times. And the connection is still there. But I don't want to tell him how I truly feel and have him then have to go back to do another show. I have a Christmas present from 2 years ago - sitting in my lounge room for him. I sent him a message telling him how important he is to me, but it falls to no response. The last time I heard back from him was on Christmas day, after he responded to my message and he told me what was happening with his family. He said we should be able to meet up. It's almost February and I haven't heard anything from him, even after a text and an attempt at calling him.

I'm still waiting for my better year. I don't know if I'll ever get it. I'm going through as many places, that I regularly log in to and changing passwords and updating as much as I can but I'm now super stressed, I'll forget something.

james1 · ‎21-01-2024

Hello bbydoll,

It's lovely to hear from you again. It sounds like a lot has happened since we last spoke, both good and stressful. One thing in your posts that I'm particularly happy to hear is that you've been able to get some support from your bestie and hopefully will get some counselling. As you say, it's hard with no support system so I hope this will help.

It's also great to hear you have had some relief after your surgery. I hope that helps overall with your general health.

Take care for now!

James