I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bob_22 · ‎04-02-2023

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear about the sore throat. Ginger and lemon tea is go to as well! I like to drink ginger ale as well. Yes it might be best to go ahead with the scheduled date of your gall bladder surgery as health is priority. I'm sure your friend would understand missing his show, especially as you are seeing the first one anyway. I've been meaning to watch The Whale with Brendan Fraser recently which I hear is adapted from a theatre show as well. I heard good things but that it is also quite sad and tear jerking.

Bob

james1 · ‎06-02-2023

Hey Bbydoll,

Oh wow, lucky you getting to find these discounted tickets! I was trying to get back in to see Come From Away again, but I kept missing the cheap tickets. I've seen that show three times now and love it. I don't remember if you saw that too?

Hopefully everything all aligns next month with your friend's show and you get to go and catch up afterwards.

How is your throat feeling now? Did it get any better over the weekend? It sounds very frustrating to keep having to deal with things like this when you're already putting in so much effort just to manage your normal health issues.

James

Bbydoll · ‎12-02-2023

Hi Bob, hi James, I thought I was starting to feel better, but I'm not so sure any more. This weekend I have been resting and even sleeping most of Sunday. I watched some TV, but once again I'm back to blacking out again. I have a busy week this week. My throat is starting to feel a bit sore again. I absolutely hate this. I don't want to get sick again, on top of everything else. It's so scary - I have had this before and I can't control it. It's not normal- sleeping most of the day and then blacking out from exhaustion. I don't drink alcohol or take drugs and I don't know how to stop this from happening- I haven't pushed my body or done anything for the past 10 days or so, so I don't know why I'm blacking out, when all I've been doing is taking it easy and trying to heal from the pharyngitis flare.

I didn't get to see come from away, but I saw a behind the scenes look about the story and the actual musical and it did look great!!

Bob_22 · ‎15-02-2023

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that your starting to feeling unwell again. I've been sick and tired the last week and it is a horrible way to live. What do you have on this week?

Bob

james1 · ‎17-02-2023

Hey Bbydoll,

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear it's starting to feel worse again. The blacking out seems both scary and really disruptive. Have your doctors ever had any suggestions about what it could be?

If you get a chance to see it one day, I would definitely recommend it. It's a feel-good musical, which really picks you up but not at the expense of the emotional weight and sadness of what happened.

James

Bbydoll · ‎17-02-2023

Hi Bob, Hi James, my gp has said that the blacking out - might be a result of arrhythmia (heart) and honestly that freaks me out, because my mum died last year from a massive heart attack and I think dad had some heart issues too. I found some old notes from mum, she was diagnosed at 40 with a heart murmur and so was I. Plus, it seems every time they test for something, they find a problem.

I saw the rocky horror show last night in Sydney. I got a discounted ticket as it was a bit obstructed due to speakers, I enjoyed it. But noticed that it was a bit toned down compared to the Craig McLaughlin version. And I guess they had to, given the allegations. I could even see differences in the costumes. But overall, it's still fun.

I did some errands and grocery run this morning, dragging it home in my granny trolley. Came home, and had lunch, a shower and a nap.

Tomorrow afternoon I am seeing my friend's play. It's also supposed to be the hottest day this year that we've had, so don't know how I'll go with that - as I don't handle the heat very well.

Bbydoll · ‎18-02-2023

Well I did it!!! Despite it being ridiculously hot today, and despite me being an hour early. I made it to my friend's play. I barely got any sleep last night and I also had a large, itchy rash- so I took some medication to help ease it. I unfortunately started to black out again, and I could control some of them, this time. I managed to talk to my friend afterwards, he was bouncy as usual, which gave me butterflies. He and I managed to have a brief chat, he has next week of the current show. Plus rehearsals for next month's musical and then another musical as well. I wish I had his energy!!!!

His partner was around as she was a part of it as well. They drove me back to the train station (I was hoping for a lift home, as they live about 5 minute drive away from my place). Instead I had to get the train home. They had other plans for the night. Luckily I didn't have to wait long for it. And it turned out to be an express one.

As I walked home from the train station, the storm started, strong wind, thunder and cold rain. I will have a shower, a frozen dinner and then probably go to bed. I'm so done. And will probably be out of it for the next few days, possibly the next week.

Bob_22 · ‎22-02-2023

Hi Bbydoll,

Great to hear you went to your friends show and enjoyed it. I hope you have recovered okay!

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎27-02-2023

Hi Bob, I've been struggling big time with my mental health because my physical health is still letting me down. I've got to try and get down tomorrow to the shops to pick up some meds for my sore throat, it's been sore pretty much the entire month. My depression has been so bad this past week that I was barely eating or drinking, and I was just feeling sorry for myself. The past couple of days, I've been a bit kinder to myself and made sure I was eating and drinking. And I've just had a shower because I don't know how long it's been since my last one. These are the hardest times, living alone and not having someone to pick things up from the shops for me - or to give me extra cuddles on my down days. I even had several weeks of having the juice of 1-2 lemons a day, it made no real difference to my sore throat. My GP said if the meds don't work within 5 days, then I have to see him in person for him to check me out. Unfortunately I just had a telehealth appointment last week- and he books up very quickly as he's popular and there's already a shortage of good doctors everywhere. This is what it's like dealing with chronic health issues- especially with auto immune ones, your body attacks itself for no reason, and the very meds I'm on to prevent flares of these diseases suppresses my immune system- so if I do catch something, or have a flare of glandular fever/mono which is what I suspect has happened. It takes longer for me to get over it, as my body is already dealing with so much!!!

Bob_22 · ‎27-02-2023

Hi Bbydoll,

I'm sorry to hear that you haven't recovered and that you've been particular unwell this week. Hopefully you can get a hold of your GP soon. Do you have your gallbladder surgery coming up soon?

Bob