There is no room in my life for me anymore

[neveralonebutlonely]

I am a wife, mum of two (2+4), and I work 2 jobs. I struggled a lot with becoming a mum. I'm certainly not a naturally maternal person. I am independent, I love learning, I'm smart (probably the only thing about myself I am confident in), and I like to achieve goals... So when my days were reduced to changing nappies and getting small people to sleep ... I was not in a good way. I felt like my whole identity got ripped away. 

Anyway, as soon as I fell pregnant with the first, my husband totally lost interest in me sexually. That hasn't changed. I could count on one hand how many times we've been intimate in the last 6-12 months. He struggles with what I am 99% sure is ADHD. He is very carefree (to the point of not noticing massive dangers sometimes) and I am quite risk averse... Which obviously causes some tension in regards to the kids. Prior to kids it was never really an issue - because his decisions didn't really impact anyone else... But now they impact the kids, and I won't not advocate for what I think is best for the kids... So tension often follows - as does the trope around me being "irrational" "impossible" "crazy" "insane" etc etc. 

Don't get me wrong, we have fun times too. And I love my husband... But having kids has made things impossible. It's gotten to the point where if I raise ANYTHING that he disagrees with he will start the "I can never do anything right" script. I inevitably have to become the fun police (a role I hate being forced to play), and he reiterates how "exhausting" my "negative energy" is. 

I have had these kids, and I don't like mothering. I'm not good at mothering. They've wrecked our marriage. They destroyed my body so no one else will love me. I can't leave, because I can't bear the thought of someone else raising them... So I'm just stuck. I'm stuck living this hollow life where I can't even advocate for my kids and do the best I can as a mother (which is already not great). 

I just feel totally trapped. 

I feel like I'm shouldering the responsibility on my own.

I feel like the only way out of it all is to leave permanently. 

I don't want this anymore 😞 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

[quirkywords]

Neveralonebutlonely

welcome to the forum.

Thank you so much for writing your post with such honesty and real emotions. 

Being a mother of young children is very challenging add to that an unsupportive partner .

I recall being overwhelmed when my children were small.

i can see you care deeply for your children as you want to raise them and advocate for them. I can see you are exhausted from working 2 jobs  nd looking after children.

would your partner and you consider relationship counselling.?
would talking to someone on the phone help as there are trained workers on BB support line.

1300224636

we are listening to you.
 

[neveralonebutlonely]

Thank you so much for responding. I so often feel like I'm screaming into some empty void and no one at all can hear me.

We have tried counselling as couple. The problem I've found is that a lot of words get said - most of them instilling hope... But few amount to any action or change. 

I definitely think me talking to someone by myself would only be helpful, but is basically a necessity at this point. I am just so unwell. I land much too frequently at the point of thinking it would be so much easier if I just... Wasn't. 

[therising]

Hi neveralonebutlonely

My heart truly goes out to you as you struggle so much with what feels like such a challenging and depressing part of your path in life. Can be such a challenge (putting it mildly), trying to make complete sense of how the heck we've reached the point where we're at.

While my son's now 18 and my daughter's 21, looking back to when they were born, I can honestly say I had no idea what the hell I was doing when it came to being a mother. I can recall how incredibly depressing it was with both my kids and while I cringed at the suggestion of Post Natal Depression, not a lot of people warn you about what can naturally lead to depression after a child's born. For example, when the 'Breast is best' mantra's drummed into you by insensitive people, it's seriously depressing when you 'fail' at breast feeding. While it's deemed 'natural' to be getting only a few hours sleep at a time (if you're lucky), no one speaks of the intensely depressing side effects of serious sleep deprivation. When no one speaks of what comes with losing certain facets of yourself for a number of months or even years, such as the adventurer in you or the excitement seeker etc etc, all that can leave you feeling broken while questioning 'What's wrong with me'. I recall, with both my kids, thinking 'This is your fault. If I hadn't have had you, I wouldn't feel like such a failure in life in so many ways'. Long story short, I ended up in PND group therapy with about 6 other women who all had a history of depression. Coincidence? I think not. Being able to feel everything that's depressing (from what's mentally depressing through to what's physically or chemically depressing and what's even naturally soul destroying) is a thing. Being sensitive or able to sense doesn't mean we're broken, just means we're sensing what's legitimately depressing. Pinpointing exactly what we're sensing is the next step.

While parenting's definitely one hell of a learning experience (which can feel like hell on earth at times), it can be triggering when only 1 out of the 2 parents is willing to learn. It's even enraging at times. I still get somewhat enraged on occasion 😁. Sounds strange but I eventually reached the conclusion that embracing my inner 'intolerant cow' is a good thing at times, as opposed to working so hard to suppress it, so as not to rock the boat. My inner cow, which sets boundaries, expectations, a bar to be met etc, can be a bit of a 'take no prisoners' facet. Can sound a little like (when speaking to my husband) 'Your job is not to be dismissive and it's not about burying your head in the sand when it comes to challenges with your kids, your job is to develop as a parent, guide your kids and help them meet challenges. Grow up, pull your finger out and do your job'😲. She's a seriously shocking and feisty one, my inner cow, and does not seek to win any popularity contests. I love this part of me that is upstanding and intolerant (of what should not be tolerated). I only developed it in the last couple of years. Being a mum has helped develop this part of me. If not for wanting the best in life for the 2 people I love the most, this part of me may have never have come to life. Being a mum can lead us to develop the best in our self and can lead us to develop new facets that can be champing at the bit to come to life.

Being a good mum's a tough business. While not a lot of people show you how to do it (how to run and develop that business) they do like to tell you everything you're doing 'wrong'. Personally, I prefer to develop such a business through inspiration, rather than degradation. I find degradation to be simply depressing.

[quirkywords]

Rising and never alone but lonely Iwant to thank you both for sharing some od your experience if motherhood. I was touched and moved by your words.

i was a first time mum over 40 years so I have seen things and things stay the same.

The rising I like the idea of an inner cow but to me cows are kind animals that give milk but I get you are using cow as being obstinate as a slang word,

 Rising has a way of looking at different options to find  a  way out of a dilemma for herself others 

I like the idea of inspiration not degradation and neveralonebut always lonely  I hope your partner really listens to you and is inspired.