I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[Bbydoll]

1. Hi James, and thanks for responding. Hope life is treating you well. I saw my male friend this week. We only had 2 hours together, but I did cram a lot of talking about random stuff. We worked out it's been over 10 years that he's been in my life! From the moment we met I knew he was special. I very nearly told him that I love him. It's pretty obvious he feels something towards me when he holds me tightly and then stares into my eyes. He does have lovely blue eyes!!  Anyway, I've been struggling with very dark thoughts again. We have been having issues with a noisy neighbour and it's affecting everyone's mental and physical health. He has a criminal record, so I can't understand why he's living on the same floor with a bunch of single women! It's complicated and he has had plenty of warnings as well as several police visits and loads of complaints to the rental company- similar to public housing. Even with my visit from my friend, and some epic shows to look forward too, I can't seem to get out of my funk. I've had weeks of sleeping and having difficulty eating meals. I've lost weight and my friend did notice it. Being so isolated doesn't help the situation. But friends don't hang around me for very long and I've tried just about everything I can think of over the last 30 odd years!!

[james1]

Hello Bbydoll,

Lovely to hear from you. 10 years is a really long time! It's nice to have friends who do stick around for that length of time. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are really important to me.

That sounds very distressing to live where you are. Hopefully it'll just be temporary, or the noise at least goes away.

Yeah I hear you about making friends. It can make it so tough as well when you become reliant on just a few friends. I guess we are all quite different in what we need, and it's very sad to hear you still feel so isolated. I'm lucky enough that I'm quite close to my sister, though I'd probably only be able to count 3 people in my life who I feel I can really depend on.

I hope this week has been good for you. Have you seen any shows recently, or hope to see this year?

James