Dear _Emily~
Welcome here to the forum where you are going to find many, including myself, who have survived an attempt.
I guess you are right, you do need the support of of your partner and the stability of a relationship now more than ever. Trying to cope on your own, or without discussing things and trying to hide how you feel is very hard and not always that successful.
I'd like to make a suggestion. My partner blamed herself for how I was, and at the same time felt helpless, not knowing what to do or say. She lived a life with no certainty and seemingly no way to make it better. To be blunt she wondered if I'd still be around when she got home each day.
There is a way your partner can play a significant role in your welfare, feel he is making a difference, and that is by the pair of you using a Safety Plan. The one I suggest is Beyond Now, which is free and works on any smartphone.
It is a bit unusual in that it has all the normal things you would expect, with emergency telephone numbers and things like that . Where it is different and can be very effective is the section titled 'Things I can Do Myself'
I found when I was overwhemed and thinking all I could do was take my life that I had no room left in my mind for thinking things out or any sort of decision making. The beauty of Beyond Now is you simply reach for your phone and hit the icon, no brain power needed.
So what does it offer you? In that section you write down things that have helped in the past, how you got though a time when you almost attempted but did not. You put down all sorts of things. I have going out the house for a walk, taling wiht a freind (need not be a heavy talk) , reading a chapter of a favorite book, watching a DVD, a comedian on YouTube and tons more.
These things are hard to think up for yourself, it takes someone else to remind you of what gave you a laugh, made you feel happier or distracted you.
This is where your partner can make a real contribution and feel they are actually making a difference, and that confidence is important for him.
You do not have to fill out the whole thing in one go, it took me 6 months to find 'a reason for living' that worked. And I needed to be very exact in the things I put down. No use just writing 'listen to music' as that then takes brain power to decide what to listen to. Instead make it "Listen to 'Paint it Black' by the Stones" or whatever you like, the particular episode on a DVD and so on.
The more things you find the longer the list, and if something no longer works take it off.
There is more I could say like I've not asked your reasons or if you have support but have simply tried to deal wiht the main worry - being left alone. However I think this post is quite long enough for now. If you would like to keep on talking that would be fine.
Croix
