Singles Support on BB

[smallwolf]

Hi,

This might seem like a odd thread for me to create but... In my time here at beyond blue, I have come upon a number of users who have reported about the loneliness of being single, never having a girl friend, never will find a partner, not being in a relationship etc. Many users put there stories in new threads each day, so existing users might not be able to find these other users and therefore might not be able to lend a hand of support. Some users might feel they are the only ones to experience this problem. So to help (?) users with similar problems I thought a thread where users, male or female, might eb able to support each other, and create connections even if in a virtual space. I hope you will find this space helpful...

Tim

[Anon_777]

Hi Tim,

It's definitely important to leave the past behind, especially when it's so painful to think about. and I agree it's easier said than done. Thinking from a different perspective is an important step, as difficult as it can be. Understanding that it wasn't my fault is something I struggle with a lot. I can't help but feeling like since someone chose someone else over me, there is something wrong with me or I must have done something wrong. It's very difficult for me to think about lately.

[Billyc]

I haven’t left the past behind.

3 and a half years later I’m still dealing with my separation.

My ex stalked me, spying on my phone. Downloaded spyware onto my computer, and has been doing so since our separation.

I signed a heads of agreement in good faith, lost a lot Through it just so we could move forward.

But she continued the torment.

So I sent an email around to everyone telling them what’s happening. And I get an intervention placed on me. I recently broke it, by sending an email to some mutual friends and now the police want me to come in..

I did everything to resolve things amicably, now I have this nutcase and I am so tired... fare to say I can’t let go of the past.. because it won’t le tme.

[Billyc]

I’m sorry maybe this ist the right thread for what I’ve said

[smallwolf]

@Billyc - Is this the wrong place to mention that. Yes and No. Probably not, but on the other hand, a balanced view is also needed. To see another side of a relationship even if it is a negative aspect - something that I have not experienced. Care may be needed to consider what to post here, but...

@Anon_777 - Have you been to a psychologist (or similar) where given a situation, you were asked something like "what would you tell a friend of they told you this story?". And it can/does take time to process.

@monkey_magic - On crying on the inside... If I may ask you two questions - do you have anyone you are able to talk to when you feel like that? Or you come here? The second question is, what keeps you trapped in this situation?

[Anon_777]

I haven't spoken to anyone at length besides a one off counselling session. But that is a question I can consider as part of the 'be kind to yourself' advice the counsellor gave me.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I appreciate your response but I think it the problem lies in things I have no control over. I show interest in what women are into, as I do with everyone. I ask questions about what they do to show interest. Is that reciprocated? Never. Even when I assert myself and say what I am into, it either falls on deaf hears or they just change the subject.

I don't understand the problem because when it isn't on a date, people are much more open about it. I guess everyone else doesn't have the skill, like I do, of asking follow up questions. It shows you how vain and self-centred others are. I don't know how to prove to women that I am trustworthy and interesting when they don't even try.

[smallwolf]

Aaron,

A minor question/observation...you said " I guess everyone else doesn't have the skill, like I do, of asking follow up questions". Now I am not saying you would say this to someone you are interested in, but if you say "everyone else" that would imply the person the you are speaking you would not have that skill. I know you might be meaning but ...

On being self-centered ... the person you are speaking with could say "tell me more" but remember that in that moment they are also nervous, unsure what to say etc. The second thing is what you are talking about might be foreign to them. I know a little about music because I did it for much of my high school life and interested in it. So if you told someone about the piece of music you were practicing they won't know how to respond. For example, if I told you about a CRM we were using, you don't know what that is, and unless you worked in IT you might just say "Oh".

A question for everyone...

suppose that you volunteered at a dog shelter or somewhere like RSPCA. A person of the opposite sex walks in alone looking for a new pet or found a lost dog, and this person is someone you also find attractive - you speak with them about various things while there. Just before leaving, would you feel comfortable asking that person if they wanted a coffee to chat some more?

(It does not have the a dog shelter, it could be a bush walking group, or any community clean up group, or any other volunteer organisation.)

If not, what barrier are there that stop you?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I mean the people I try to talk to when I am on a date or interested in them. I have seriously met people who don't ask follow up questions on things I am into, and then just change the topic back to them when there is a slight pause in the conversation. It is almost like they are waiting for their chance to talk about themselves.

With music they could say, "I am not familiar with that genre of music but you must find it really meaningful to write your own music". I just thought of that right then. It shows you may not line completely there but you are listening to, not just the words, but the tone in which they are saying. About CRM, I would ask what that stands for and then, when I find out you have worked in IT, I would go from there. Again, it isn't as hard as it should be. But for some, they make it look ridiculously hard.

About your scenario, I guess it depends on how much we click. I don't click with others from the first moment I meet them very often. In fact, it is incredibly rare. If I decided to ask them out I would probably want to make sure I would never see them again. I wouldn't want to be reminded of the rejection every time I saw her

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

I've not made any effort to get myself into a relationship in the past ten years since I've had anxiety, for a number of reasons. I didn't think I could handle getting hurt, as I don't cope well with my emotions. I thought my emotional instability would probably ruin a relationship anyway. And I really don't think I have a lot to offer anyone anyway - I'm severely limited by my anxiety in terms of what I'm able to do ie. work or being social.

That being said, after my grandma died six months ago, I decided life was short and I should have a go at dating. I did for the last six months and it was tumultuous, made my anxiety sky rocket and ended with him being like "I can't do this" and me being like "totally understandable" but now I'm heartbroken anyway.

I guess I just go back to being alone, because I can handle it better, but gee I'm lonely!!! That physical contact that monkey_magic mentioned is the best stress/anxiety reducer I can think of.

[Azzdog]

I am sorry to hear how deliberating your anxiety has been on your life. It has had a big impact on my life as well which has meant I don't have a lot of friends and much of a social life. I have made great strides since then but it has been slow.

I have given up on online dating for now. The rejection you get on there is so brutal and harsh and I can't really work out why I am so easy to be rejected. So that means I have never been in a relationship at all.