ANGER -> are you reactive or mindful when responding to people? *New members are very welcome to contribute

[Just Sara]

Firstly I want to thank Karen, (Ggrand) who ignited my idea for this thread. (Not pun intended lol)

Are you 'reactive' when confronting someone? Do you run away, or step back and 'think' before you speak?

These are important questions about anger and especially rage. I'm sure everyone who visits these forums will have at some point in their lives experienced out of control reactions or even 'inaction' that they regret or question afterwards. Eg..."Why didn't I say anything?" or "I shouldn't have said anything."

Personally, I'm no stranger to the effects of reactive anger. It took me many yrs to address and finally defeat as an ineffective and damaging personality trait. I still struggle sometimes, but more times than not, I deal with it productively.

Anger's a normal animal/human reaction for survival. It goes hand in hand with Fight or Flight responses to keep us safe and alive. What modern society's done though, is create confusion, denial and fear in understanding what a 'threat' actually is.

There are so many 'rules of engagement' outlined in our laws and cultural niceties, we're stifled trying to identify when a 'real' threat is immanent and, how to approach matters effectively...nature vs nurture.

I think this is a discussion we really 'need' to have. It plays into our recovery and how we want to live our lives in peace with confidence.

Are you known as an angry person, a fence sitter or passive/aggressive for instance? These are all tied into our responses to internal or external anger. For the sake of this thread topic, I'd like to keep anecdotes etc to personal experience and not about 'others'; to look at ourselves for answers.

I'm eager to hear your thoughts...

Sez

[startingnew]

Very interesting topic Sez, hmmm it gave me something to think about really.
Im known as a fence sitter a very quiet shy person who can be easily pushed over but I do have fire within and very few have really seen it as I seem to have good anger management from the outside but I actually have a bad way of addressing anger tbh, and im working on it.


When im angry, I wont take it out on the person who made me angry, id rather walk away unless they catch me in a really really bad mood and then ill react straight up rather than thinking first. I try to avoid confrontations at all costs and have had numerous panic attacks in the past few yrs trying to address things that need sorting e.g friendship conflicts or family issues


However more recently while I am still the fence sitter and not engage in conflicts or arguments I internalise it but use it on something else such as speed driving. Another thing ive noticed more recently is ill be more reactive when others arent around such as the other day I got angry over something and I threw everything that was on the kitchen table off it instead of calming thinking about it and doing something else productive.


I have also realised that I will think of what situations might arise when I go to approach this person/people after ive calmed back down and then ill be ok and think 'ive got this' but not long after that ive gone from anger to calmness to having a lot of anxiety over having to approach them and when I back out I then get angry but not at them at myself.


Actually writing that has just helped me realise it is a very destructive way of addressing anger and will have to think of better ways to cope rather than what im currently doing.


So as a 'label' im not sure what this would come under.

[Ggrand]

Thank you Sara.

Im an extremely passive person "a no questions asked, yes person never allowed to express or act on anger". Not having to really deal with anger outwardly it's confusing me atm. Will be back later and hoping to learn more about dealing with anger.

kind regards

Karen

[Quercus]

Hi Sara,

This is an important idea for a thread thank you.

I've inherited my Dad's temper unfortunately. We're yes people too. Don't rock the boat, like to avoid drama. It takes a hell of a lot to make me angry or to offend me and I forgive easily.

But (yeah there's always a but)... I have limits. And once I'm there I'm totally bluntly reactive. Not mindful of others at all. It's never pretty and I hate the feeling.

Once at work my manager asked me to help her with some of her jobs (banking, invoices etc) which I did because I found it interesting. The owner came in one day and saw me doing the rosters. Didn't say a word they just disappeared for a "coffee". From that moment she started making my life miserable. I found out later the owner had told her I had been offered her job and refused it (idiot!) and he wasn't happy with me doing her job for free while she did merchandising.

Everything I did was wrong from then on. She would ask me to do a display and then at the end of the day tell me to take it all down and put it on the other side of the shop. Petty little things. I tolerated it for a time. Then hit my limit when my friend called her out on her behaviour and started getting the same treatment as me.

Breaking point. I memorised this moment afterwards to remind myself to never allow myself to do this again. Take steps before I lose the plot. I remember at close she threw another barb at me about taking too long to count the till. I picked up the tray, put it in front of her and told her I would be phoning the owner tonight to be swapped to another store because I was done with her.

I remember saying "if you took your head out of your.... for a moment you'd realise you're a useless manager and a horrible excuse for a human being". She made the mistake of threatening me with being fired so I started laughing and said "go for it b.... try that and see how well you go. Unlike you I am actually good at my job". And walked out.

The next day I was at a new store which I loved. It sounds assertive (except for the swearing). But I regret it. She had a lot of potential. I could have just sat her down and asked what was wrong. But I chose not to because I was in a rage. I don't like how that makes me feel.

I know I am capable of standing up for myself but it often feels all or nothing. Submission or rage. Nothing in between.

[Ggrand]

Hello everyone.

my childhood showing any anger at all called for the "jug chord" I learnt very early not to get angry, in my marriage a few month into it. ok I got angry with hubby once and once only leading to a black eye and bruising. . That was the last time I have ever shown anger. Living a life like this over 57 years you learn to not get angry. You learn very quickly to not have that emotion. I think frustration took its place turning into depression and anxiety. I have been diagnosed with high depression/chronic anxiety and chronic guilt complex

I will walk away from any form of confrontation, admit to doing something I never done to stop someone from getting angry at themselves, someone else or me, I can't stand up for myself at all . Instead I will just hide or go home and cry out my frustrations. "or maybe it was anger". Confusing now to me.

Seeing anyone angry to me means that I will be physically hurt. It really scares me.

I will advoid it no matter what. Even when my sons get angry with their kids, spouses or I suppose (sometimes me) I will dissapear. Being the way I am is not ideal as I am trying to keep the peace all the time.

I woke up feeling angry or ( frustrated) not sure if they are the same thing a few days ago and still am, problem is I don't know how to release it and it's pulling me down quickly.

Reading the posts about you all seem to be able to release it in some way and stand up for yourselves. That should take the angry feeling away and then a little sense of calm should replace it.

I know people take advantage of me, and this hurts a lot, as my self respect is non existent , writing this down I can see just how pathetic I sound, but it's me. Hopefully this thread takes off and I can try and help myself somehow with how other people handle their anger. I think I really need to be able to get really angry to feel this emotion properly before I can start trying to heal this part of my brain.

Kind regards,

Karen

[blondguy]

Hi Sara

Thanks for the great thread topic. I did learn the hard way and sporadic therapy doesnt help. I thought that getting counseling every 3-4 months was okay and was I wrong! I think that was denial..or kidding myself..

• Anger is a normal reaction to adverse behavior in an environment or situation that places anyone out of their comfort zone when what we stand for is threatened
• Anger with an ongoing anxiety/depressive illness...or even a stressful state can make us 'over react' instead of proactive in our responses towards others
• Being in a continual state of over exaggerated anger response to even minor issues is indicative that we need to 'vent' to a counselor/therapist as soon and as frequently as possible. Doing otherwise is a waste

My Kind thoughts

Paul

[Just Sara]

It's really great to have you on board Karen; thanks for your post.

I find it interesting when people say they don't 'do' anger. I'm wondering if you find other ways to express frustrations, hurt at the hands of others or even being peeved at the weather being so hot/cold for instance.

Cheers..

Sez

[Just Sara]

I'm so sorry Karen, SN, Quercus and Paul;

I started writing the above post earlier today but was side-tracked; only came back to finish it a short while ago then saw I'd missed several responses.

Thankyou all for your insights and experiences. It seems anger isn't just an emotion; it's a quagmire of causes, effects, cycles and outcomes.

SN.. I'm glad you ventured onto this thread with your feelings. It's a common response to avoid conflict and then wonder why and how it got that way, and what to do about it. Being open to learning other ways though is to be admired. You're doing so well.

Karen.. In my opinion, yours is less about anger and more about the cycle of abuse and co-dependency. A black eye for opposing your spouse was a sign of things to come. But it was also a continuation of facing 'the jug cord' thru childhood. Not dissimilar to my own dysfunctional upbringing and that of many others. I'm really glad you've joined the discussion.

Quercus.. I'm loving your honesty! What can I say? Not many would admit a reactive verbal attack on someone. But I dare say there'll be many who read and cheer at your 'had-a-gut-full' confrontational style. We can only take so much, yeah? How do you think things would've worked out if you'd sat her down in the beginning instead of waiting?

Paul.. you've obviously researched anger and its meaning. Thankyou! I do disagree with your last point though. 'Doing otherwise is a waste..' referring to venting with a psych.

Doing 'Anything' is productive to release the beast. Whether it's screaming into a pillow, belting a punching bag or even crying. I appreciate you're a great advocate for counselling to combat the effects of anxiety/depression; I don't disagree with this. However, we can't run to our psych's at 3am or scream at a lifeline consultant when we're in the midst of an episode.

***

I find people are afraid of anger because a lot of the time it's out of control and unpredictable. We like knowing what's coming next, so the thought of speaking up or openly questioning authority for instance, might bring on symptoms of anxiety, panic and foreboding.

Learning to express anger productively, why it's there and knowing when to run needs exploring as well. I still struggle with this one.

Thanks all..

Sez

[blondguy]

Hey Sara

It was only my experience with occasional therapy being unproductive...not anyone elses. Its only my opinion that insufficient (sporadic) therapy is a waste as there isnt follow up that makes long term recovery possible

My kindest as always

Paul

[Just Sara]

I'm so sorry Paul;

I read the words; 'anyone', 'us' and 'we' and thought it was a generalised statement. My bad..

Your opinion is very important to me and others who read and post. Please don't take my error of judgement as anything but that ok?

Respectfully..

Sez x