ANGER -> are you reactive or mindful when responding to people? *New members are very welcome to contribute

[Just Sara]

Firstly I want to thank Karen, (Ggrand) who ignited my idea for this thread. (Not pun intended lol)

Are you 'reactive' when confronting someone? Do you run away, or step back and 'think' before you speak?

These are important questions about anger and especially rage. I'm sure everyone who visits these forums will have at some point in their lives experienced out of control reactions or even 'inaction' that they regret or question afterwards. Eg..."Why didn't I say anything?" or "I shouldn't have said anything."

Personally, I'm no stranger to the effects of reactive anger. It took me many yrs to address and finally defeat as an ineffective and damaging personality trait. I still struggle sometimes, but more times than not, I deal with it productively.

Anger's a normal animal/human reaction for survival. It goes hand in hand with Fight or Flight responses to keep us safe and alive. What modern society's done though, is create confusion, denial and fear in understanding what a 'threat' actually is.

There are so many 'rules of engagement' outlined in our laws and cultural niceties, we're stifled trying to identify when a 'real' threat is immanent and, how to approach matters effectively...nature vs nurture.

I think this is a discussion we really 'need' to have. It plays into our recovery and how we want to live our lives in peace with confidence.

Are you known as an angry person, a fence sitter or passive/aggressive for instance? These are all tied into our responses to internal or external anger. For the sake of this thread topic, I'd like to keep anecdotes etc to personal experience and not about 'others'; to look at ourselves for answers.

I'm eager to hear your thoughts...

Sez

[Just Sara]

Hi NZ;

I previously wrote how men externalise and women internalise anger (in general) My question was because men usually express anger instead of crying, and women cry when they need to express anger.

Both crying and anger come from fear and hurt.

I needed to rid myself of past anger/tears which took many yrs of probing into why I still carried everything around on my shoulders and in my heart. (Thru therapy and BB forum) Now that I've come to a place of peace, I treat each situation in the moment. I don't hold grudges or let things brew.

I may step back for a while so I can turn my feelings into words; then talk to the person I'm upset with and let them know. It's not about winning or being superior, it's to protect and validate myself in their eyes so they understand I won't tolerate being belittled or abused.

At first it was really difficult as I was in the midst of an anxiety/panic disorder. I did what I could to identify when I was at risk or had been hurt, it was so entrenched in my psyche I was confused if/when it occurred. "Was that appropriate or did they just put shit on me?"

About a yr ago I met someone on a dating site and met up a few times. They ended up sexually assaulting me because I didn't recognise the signs. I'm not taking blame off their shoulders, just admitting I was confused by their behaviour which in hindsight, was grooming me for future abuse.

I ended up on a psych ward for 10 days and found a piece of myself I thought was long gone. The psych's taught me to evaluate my own behaviour and responses before making decisions as I'd been 'programmed' as a target for abuse in my childhood. I'm still in the process of retraining my brain. It's a work in progress..

I have complex PTSD which will be with me forever. However, I'm self aware and educated in how to manage symptoms which helps me cope.

I'd like to discuss PTSD with you on your thread. I may pop in over the next few days.

Until then, take care and thankyou for writing on here. Your anger is indicative of past hurts and very relevant to others.

Warm thoughts;

Sez

[CMF]

I'm reactive with my own kids and mindful with everyone else.

im really tired and flat. That's all I have ATM.

[White_Rose]

Just found this thread Sez, and what a thread. Such amazing stories from you all. I am so pleased you started this thread because of the responses. Heart breaking stories such as Nztruckr while others have talked about their own battles with anger.

I think this has been a gift to many people, allowing them a safe place to talk about a hugely important topic. It has also been a good place to learn from others. As I read through much of the thread I found myself shaking with the fear of all the anger being expressed. I had not realised how much anger I had witnessed in my life and how much I have copied that anger because I saw how effective it could be on others.

Yes I learned long ago that anger was not the best way to live, but not how to cope with it. It's taken time.

Reading the stories of others had me in tears because of all the hurt that has been expressed here. If ever I need a reason to manage my anger and associated emotions it's here. All you lovely people, take a bow for your courage writing here and for making your own journey through pain and anger. Most of all for the reminder that we must always be aware of others vulnerabilities. Anger can so often be a reaction to pain and disillusionment.

May this Christmas time be full of love and care for each other.

Mary

[Just Sara]

What a beautiful response Mary!

Merry Xmas to you too, and all those reading. 🙂

I agree; it's pretty humbling when we read about other people's trauma and pain. Even though we've experienced our own set of traumatic events, there doesn't seem to be two alike. Their details can leave us gobsmacked at the extent of what people endure.

As I've said, I don't quite understand 'anger' in its entirety, and often don't recognise it in myself, but when I do, I try really hard to express it productively. I've seen what my rage can do and don't want to go thru those situations again.

I posted a link a few posts above re 'Non-Violent Communication'. This workshop had some benefit for me personally; I left behind what I didn't agree with or need and only took relevant stuff with me.

It helped me understand that; 'jumping to conclusions', 'trying to get into other peoples heads', 'feeling for others too much' and 'not accepting others have a right to behave in a flawed manner' were a few things I needed to work on.

The most important learning curve though, was considering my own responses more-so than those of the person I'm speaking with. Obviously it's difficult to let go of a nasty or targeting comment, but that's where calmly and assertively protecting my rights comes into play.

This is ideal of course and doesn't address repressed anger from past abuse or trauma, but it does help to identify why anger occurs while communicating. Being 'reactive' as opposed to 'reflective' will more often than not cause drama.

One thing I used to do was internalise people's comments and judge them to be one way or the other in relation to my own experiences/opinions. I now accept everyone has a right to speak whether I agree or not.

If I choose to respond, it's usually to ask a question to clarify what they're trying to express. I also let them know they can speak freely without threat of recourse.

Unless of course I'm being verbally attacked or abused. It's a fine line to recognise sometimes though..

Food for thought eh? Thankyou to all who've contributed to this thread. We're a mighty bunch aren't we?

Kind regards;

Sez

[StevoP]

Yeah finally something helpful to me- Im usually reactive cos Im in a pretty tough situation with depression and anxiety, that sort of thing. Also have this mindset that ppl like taking pot shots at me and just hating me, anyway I try avoiding it now

[A2D2]

Anger sneaks up on me and explodes. Or I see it coming and cage it, which causes me to disintegrate into tears. Neither is a very successful approach.

How I might respond to situations makes me so anxious I am afraid to apply for work in case I mess it up.