ANGER -> are you reactive or mindful when responding to people? *New members are very welcome to contribute

[Just Sara]

Firstly I want to thank Karen, (Ggrand) who ignited my idea for this thread. (Not pun intended lol)

Are you 'reactive' when confronting someone? Do you run away, or step back and 'think' before you speak?

These are important questions about anger and especially rage. I'm sure everyone who visits these forums will have at some point in their lives experienced out of control reactions or even 'inaction' that they regret or question afterwards. Eg..."Why didn't I say anything?" or "I shouldn't have said anything."

Personally, I'm no stranger to the effects of reactive anger. It took me many yrs to address and finally defeat as an ineffective and damaging personality trait. I still struggle sometimes, but more times than not, I deal with it productively.

Anger's a normal animal/human reaction for survival. It goes hand in hand with Fight or Flight responses to keep us safe and alive. What modern society's done though, is create confusion, denial and fear in understanding what a 'threat' actually is.

There are so many 'rules of engagement' outlined in our laws and cultural niceties, we're stifled trying to identify when a 'real' threat is immanent and, how to approach matters effectively...nature vs nurture.

I think this is a discussion we really 'need' to have. It plays into our recovery and how we want to live our lives in peace with confidence.

Are you known as an angry person, a fence sitter or passive/aggressive for instance? These are all tied into our responses to internal or external anger. For the sake of this thread topic, I'd like to keep anecdotes etc to personal experience and not about 'others'; to look at ourselves for answers.

I'm eager to hear your thoughts...

Sez

[Just Sara]

I've been feeling the anger beast this morning; not your run of the mill grouch or silent treatment stuff, more of a motivational, mildly pissed off and reflective anger.

I've been let down and disappointed by quite a few people over the past month or so, and yesterday when I ran into one of them at the supermarket I felt an urge to walk away mid sentence. Instead I kept saying I had to go to be polite.

I noticed a shift in me. I used to (not that long ago either) stay, talk and hope she'd ask me for coffee, or I'd ask her. But recent events have me suspicious and not wanting to engage.

Since childhood I've internalised anger or burst out of my skin defending myself or someone else. The past few yrs I've learned to stand back, assess the situation, and decide the best course of action for a win/win outcome.

Good on me eh! Yeah, well it's a work in progress. How I behave and treat myself instead of relying on people being honest, is beginning to make its mark.

I've withdrawn from closeness lately to evaluate this feeling. The old adage; 'give to yourself what you want from others' holds value today. The truth is; I'm angry and want to express it instead of being scared.

My disappointment comes from seeing people for who they really are; uncovering lies, false persona's and cruel blame/excuses outed as a means of justifying disgraceful behaviour.

When people wrongly profess to being/doing one thing, then get caught, sorry means shit if it's followed by 'but' and a finger pointing at me or others. I need to trust people and it's being tested to the limits.

My expectations come from what I believe (or want) to be true. 'If you hurt me, shame on you. If you do it again, shame on me' I truly understand this saying now.

Why have I stayed around people who lie or hurt me? Hmm...maybe I'm angry at me as well. Makes sense..

Negative patterns of behaviour and beliefs need to change for my MH to improve; I live by this. I can't change 'them', but I can change me. Demanding honesty, respect and fairness isn't too much to ask as I see it...of them OR me.

Yes, forgiveness is necessary, but it has to come with boundaries and change. Forgetting isn't part of the deal. My dad's been invited to Xmas lunch this year. I don't want to go. Sigh.. What do I do?

If I'm strong, I'll survive. If my little girl within takes over, I'll crumble.

I shouldn't be put thru this damn it!

Sez

[Nztruckr]

I would say i was reactive in more than just confrontation in fact a simple look in my direction could end in the worst possible way for anyone looking in my general direction i had no empathy or sympathy for anyone in the human skin

Nowadays some 30yrs on life is different however many people still see me as being extremely angry even when i think I'm actually happy so i think many friends that i have are only there through the thought if i think their friends they may escape the rage inside me

Truth is for a very long time i had to use the rage within to keep me safe and survive the shit life i was blessed with thanks to the hard work and tireless hours by a dear friend who has since passed i can now walk away from situations if i feel I'm losing control rather than stand my ground

I also battle each day to better control my rage towards human life and have had many successes but still fall over from time to time the hard bit is trying to fight it when it starts which is something i have not mastered yet but am hopeful that day will come as at this present time if i start getting angry i normally lock myself away from everyone until it subsides

So i know one day i maybe able ti put thus part of me to rest as i have come a long way since my youth to the point i am now i just cant be complacent about it so always am aware or situations and i try not to enter areas of life where triggers my start or set me off

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome NZ;

It takes courage to open up and reveal your story on a public forum, so kudos and good on you. It's important for men to disclose such issues, as many would have similar patterns and seeing you talk about it may encourage more dialog, so thankyou

I find men tend to externalise anger, and women internalise it. As a single mum, I didn't know how to confront my son's anger which became worse at 14. (Hormones) We talked and he admitted his anger was insatiable which he didn't understand and neither did I.

At one point, he 'shaped up' to me. Without a man to lean on and no brothers, I stood my ground saying I refused to accept his behaviour and he'd have to find another way of expressing what he felt. Women shouldn't be treated that way, especially his mother. He walked away and cried.

He needed a man to stand his ground and protect me; teaching by example. I know, it's an ideal scenario. I do wish though it had've been that way.

I guess I'm wondering when your rage began and if it was responded to functionally by males and females in your circle; family or otherwise. My family home growing up was full of anger, violence, unpredictable chaos and fear. I never learned how to negotiate or stand up for myself and instead was told to shut up and do what I was told.

I internalised my anger until I exploded; this became my pattern. My sister told me yrs later I scared and intimidated her with my outbursts. This killed me inside and was the impetus for getting help.

It sounds like your mate was a treasure. I'm sorry for your loss NZ trucker. How great tho to find such a man in your lifetime. 🙂

You've expressed your story well btw, it's a credit to you. I'd like to hear more if that's ok. One question I have is; 'Do you understand the pattern and reasons you've responded as you have?'

You mention 'humans' as a cause for hatred. It stuck out to me but you didn't elaborate. I hope men on the forum see your post and also respond. It could turn into a good discussion. Thankyou again...

Hope to hear from you soon.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Nztruckr]

My life til i was 8 yrs old was like most kids playing midget rugby league,bullrush hide and seek all the normal boyhood games when i passed my eight birthday i was taken by my mum and her then boyfriend to a boys home in new zealand was ment to be for a weekend only she never came back the hours i spent watching out the window waiting seemed like an eternity but nothing not one sign of her six months past then the abuse started both physical and sexual passed around like a slab of meat i withdrew into myself and trusted no one not that anyone really cared for the next three years afterwards this was my life being locked in cupboards tied to beams for hours on end caned whipped and more sexual abuse

Six years later i managed to make my way to auckland after running away soent time living rough on the streets living off fruit trees in peoples yards and convincing the odd hot meal from those who looked like they cared from that point i was too old to return to the home by which time my only survival tool was rage and i let everyone i came into contact with feel that rage

My term human i guess was to distance myself from the very people that spent so long hurting me for all those years that no other human would ever get that chance again

Back then no i couldnt see the pattern or the reasons guess i didnt want to but all people were put in the humans box in my mind they to me regardless of who they were deserved to feel my rage no empathy no sympathy soon became a motto and a way of life

Now i see the patterns and the reasons behind the responses but thats taken almost 30 odd yrs i guess i have a better understanding of myself now however i still have trust issues to a point ,no idea on how to make friends or how to stop my temper building once i start getting angry but am way better than i was thanks to my one true friend who is no longer here

[Just Sara]

Huge sigh...

NZ...I'm struggling to find words; lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Your little boy's life is a tragedy and travesty of biblical proportions. Less than human indeed. You're still here? I'm surprised. It seems that rage actually saved your life.

.......

I've just had a cry and finished a cigarette trying to formulate what I want to say. Words aren't enough. What you've so skilfully written has such immense power, I'm floored.

I have no advice or questions at this time; only grief.

Please forgive my response. I really need time to absorb what you've disclosed. I'll be back later once I can get my head together with my heart. I'm sorry for the loss of your childhood and family NZ.

Warmth and kindness;

Sez

[Brosan]

Hello Just Sara,

Have you heard of Marshall Rosenberg. Are you familiar with Nonviolent Communication?

It was recommended by Neil Strauss of PUA infamy. He might be atoning for the misconceptions his expose had on him and the PUA community. I listened to it as an audiobook on Audible. I think it's worth it.

Regards,

Oliver.

[Nztruckr]

Ummm thanks sez

Yup its certainly catches people off guard thats for sure my family for the last little bit lets say 30 yrs have touched base when it suits them and only ever for what they can extract money wise i have tried on at least 5 occasions to try and not only fit in but try to get them to like me never worked well only really worked when i gave money or cars or food or whatever it was they wanted so i have decided no more i will just go through life as a family of one me

As far as the rest well everyday is a struggle sometimes with anger sometimes self loathing but always with sadness i look at how other people react with their friends ,their children etc and wish i could have that kind of normalization in my life but thats a pipe dream reality is im hoping the end isnt to far away i would happily go to my final destination i think this world has pretty much given me all i want to take from it

The problem i have is finding actual friends i have alot of well aquaintances who seem happy to know me when theres something in it for them most i rarely here from unless they have a problem i always feel self concious around people wether i know them or not for obvious reasons and this is where my sadness originates as if my anger doesnt drive them away my other moods tend to so it really does become a lonely existence

[Just Sara]

Thankyou so much Oliver;

I found a Marshall Rosenberg workshop on YouTube which began with him singing a song he wrote. What a wonderful man! I don't have time to watch the whole thing as it's over 3 hrs long, but at some stage I will...absolutely!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LuPCAh9FCc

'Non-Violent Communication' Here's the link for people to witness Rosenberg's grace and strength of character.

I want to thank you for reminding me how skilful 'words' given with beautiful intent, can uplift, enlighten and shift our mindset. In those first few minutes of his workshop video, I felt negativity drain from my body.

As this was your first post, I'm assuming you're a long time reader? I'd enjoy chatting if you're up to it. I haven't looked up the 'PNU' subject matter yet; maybe you could elaborate?

You have a beautiful intellect. I'm an instant fan..

Sez

[Just Sara]

Hi again NZ;

Thankyou for replying to my 'heart on my sleeve' post to you earlier. I'm feeling a little better than before, it was just a bit confronting.

As your post reveals, there's much more to you than anger and rage. I see you have a thread running, I may join in there as well ok.

Thankyou again for talking about your anger issues here. How you've expressed pain from the past 30 yrs is so understandable and relevant to this thread.

I do have a question; 'Do you find it difficult to cry?' There's a reason I ask, but won't go into it now.

Look forward to hearing from you..

Sez

[Nztruckr]

In general yes crying isnt one of my emotions however when my mentor passed i cried for weeks ermm i think the loss coupled with the fear of what now played a very big part in that however crying in front of people most definately not as i dont want people to know what or where my weakness would lay