Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

[Esti67]

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

[Esti67]

Thanks all for your insight. Daz, I agree that i need to fo what's right for me. Deep down i feel that if i don't take this chance now, it will be lost forever to me and i will feel a sense of sadness at what i have lost. (in terms of the woman i am with and essentially who i am). My heart is with her.

I also think you are right Def in terms of creating a situation where the lines are blurry. It was always going to be messy but i also know that my husband needed time to adjust to the situation and leaving quickly would have been worse for him, quite cruel actually, especially as he didn't see it coming.

On most days we are fine but i can see some resentment potentially occurring as this situation develops. Its not really an open relationship as falling in love was never part of the arrangement. In theory in a true open relationship my marriage would be the primary relationship but this isn't the case as i find myself wanting to spend more and more time with her. She feels the same way as i do but is prepared to wait until I leave, but doesn't want to feel responsible for ending my marriage ( which she isn't)

My husband is not ignorant to same sex relationships, i think he hoped it was just testing the waters with maybe some short term relationship but i think he knew in his heart that me being with my friend was always a risk, he just hoped it wouldn't go too far.

i think the challenge now is to make sure i time this properly (christmas is a terrible time) and not drag this out to the point that i become resentful and he becomes angry . That would be truly awful as the end goal for me is that we stay as close friends but no longer married. I accept that there will be some damage along the way but hopefully shortlived as he understands that i need to find a way to be happy and its not in a straight marriage. I know he does understand this and acceptance for him takes time.

I'm surprised at how quickly this has escalated but i am glad it has, even if its tough.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Totally understand E, you know your husband better than anyone. And a short, sharp exit may have totally messed him up for a long time, as you say. I guess that’s why it’s so tough this situation. No matter what action you choose, it is fraught with difficulty. You’ve been kinda cornered.
With the online environment, it’s hard to gauge intonation in a person’s writing so I wasn’t sure if I had interpreted your post correctly. I wasn’t sure if you were saying, that you realised that you may be Bisexual/Pansexual, and that there was a chance that you could work it out with your husband, and be happy enough. Not rocket fuel kinda love, but happy indeed. The fact your friends suggested you go straight back to him, made me wonder. Or, if you were saying that, you’ve started a physically intimate relationship with your friend, and it’s only clarified that you are a lesbian, and possibly even in love with her, even though it’s early, and so, so scary to be free falling whilst contained in a heterosexual marriage that judgmental outsiders deem not broken.
You have the weight of the world on your shoulders right now E. No-one’s right and no-one’s wrong. It just is, what it is. Of course there will be tornedos of emotions from both you, and your husband. You can’t bust up 30 years and expect anything other than fireworks.
Even though you’ve never been in a lesbo relationship before you don’t come across as naïve. You referred to your friends ex as crazy. As you have observed, LGBTI relationships find it just has hard as the straighties to find a compatible partner. All of our problems are the same. It’s not enough to just be attracted to women, like following some sort of baking recipe, with being gay as the essential ingredient. If you have been lucky enough to find someone you really hit it off with, and there’s a deep connection, the physical intimacy clicks, you’re on the same page with affection and communication, you have common values, but also enough differences to make it spicy and interesting and playful sometimes …..I think you’re lucky E.
It will be a slow journey. I was very lonely when I came out. It took years to meet people and make connections and friends. My boyfriend found it extremely emasculating and became enraged, threatening to get physical with me, and give me what I deserved for embarrassing him, after he lured me to a secluded place. I haven’t been married 30 years, but I have had a taste of how ugly it can get. It sure was not easy.
Def

[Esti67]

Thanks for your replies, its very helpful. Def, in terms of being empaths, in this situation we are all empaths as my friend who has now fallen in love with me as i have her, is struggling after a very intense conversation with a mutual friend of ours. Interestingly, the mutual friend hasn't approached me. She now feels that she is being touted as a predatory lesbian corrupting a married woman from the burbs but the true distress comes from hurting a really nice man. As this is already a difficult situation it is so unhelfpul. I dont mind being challenged, in fact its good to be challenged but this was horrible and is now making her question us. The sad thing is that we are great together and we both feel this. We have been friends for 18 years and not taking this opportunity will be a huge loss for both of us. If we stop our relationship i cannot see how our friendship could ever continue. With her it just feels right.

In a way this has forced me to clarify the issues and what i want. I hate seeing her in pain, i hate seeing him in pain. We talked about stopping seeing eachother for a few months but we struggle not seeing eachother for a week. My husband asked was i in a relationship with her and i answered yes. I was relieved to be able to say this, even if it was hard for him to hear.

After thinking long and hard about this, in fact its all i think about on most days i have decided to move out after Christmas. Again, my husband has been very generous and has suggested that we dont mention my friend to the kids at this point. They will hate her if they think i have left their dad for another woman. So, whilst some things are out in the open, there is still a lot of secrecy. I think it will be good to live on my own for a while. Good luck with your move this weekend Daz.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

E, I had a feeling something like this would happen. Generally, people are very private. People keep their marriage issues to themselves. There’s this weird manners thing where we don’t go too deep. So it’s a real shock to people that you aren’t happy and have been miserable. But that says more about the lack of intimacy in our society than anything else. Apart from a spouse or family member, there is very little intimacy in community life, where people feel comfortable talking about their feelings and voicing their lack of fulfillment. So your mutual friends opinion, is very one sided and a reflection of odd, social etiquette. Maybe she thinks it’s simply about lust, I don’t know. Personally, I am very surprised she didn’t enquire about your mental health. How does she know what dark headspaces sexuality can take a person. To be encouraged and pressured to deny your innate self can make a person sick, look at Ruby’s husbands story. In hospital for 2 months! Now I’ve said all that the empath in me can really relate to your lover’s side. The weight of 30 years would give me a heart attack as well. The women I fell in love with was planning to leave her husband well before she met me, so it’s a bit different. But outsiders certainly would not have seen it that way, and yes, I felt tremendous guilt, despite him coming across as an old fashioned, bow to the patriarchy a-hole, I still felt guilty. I would have been labelled the tart that broke up 30 years. No-one knew she tried to leave him several times before, that he is controlling and uses her to advance himself, and that she was miserable. But I could sense volatility in him and this made me very nervous. In my opinion he is clinically depressed and a very unfulfilled man. The dots do not add up. She spends a lot of time worrying about what other people think, over-all I am the complete opposite. She said “I was never leaving my husband for you.” She said it was like walking out the door with your bags, only to turn the corner and find someone standing there that you want to be with. A friend said to me, “she does not have the courage to leave her husband for a women who is 15 years younger”. And she was right. I should have listened. But when you fall in love with someone it is impossible to plug that magnetism. She has gone back to him now, and I am just a memory. I know I haven’t really helped E. But I’m here to chat. I would move out too. As terrifying as it is – you need physical distance.

Def.

[Esti67]

Your last statement is spot on Def. I need physical distance, space from both people actually so i can get some clarity. This is the sticking point. Hanging around the house makes me feel confused. When i am at home i question what i am doing, when im with her it feels right but i feel guilty. I have never lived by myself and i think this is what i need. I'm also sorry that you found someone you cared about but it never worked out. Its a big call to leave a marriage. I initially said i am not leaving my husband, casual sex is fine, but something changed, maybe realising that the depth of womens connection goes far beyond what men and women have especially when there is a physical attraction Thanks again.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Yeah that’s what I would do E. Move out. That isn’t an option for a lot of people who are unhappy in their marriages for whatever reason, gay or straight, Sydney puts practical financial restrictions on them, that take that choice away. You will have times when you’re lonely. But you can’t breathe right now or think straight. And living alone can give you your own safe haven and privacy. You’re going to need your own space to decompress in, with all this stress going on. And a place you can have private conversations with your kids and family. You seem really worried that your kids will hate you. You need one on one time with them.

There is just no knowing how this will pan out. All 3 of you could end up sad and depressed. Your title in this conversation used the word ‘denial’. Being in this holding pattern in the family home is only perpetuating that. One thing humans can’t do for one another is grieve for them. You can’t do that inner process for your husband E. He unfortunately is on his own there. It’s a long and winding road and none of us have crystal balls telling us what lies ahead.

Life may surprise your husband. He is too young to write off another partner. In this wealthy country we live well into our 80s. He could have just as long with someone else, as he has had with you. I’m not trying to diminish his situation. But I have a mate who was in your position. It must have been so incredibly hard for her, because her kids were really little, but to make it worse she left a beautiful man, and her first lesbian relationship was a rude awakening. They met as teenagers, so as you can imagine he was extremely angry, and heartbroken. He never thought he’d love again. It would never compare. He was destined for loneliness. When actually, he ended coming out much happier than her. He met the love of his life that he is besotted with about 4 years later, while my friend found herself in the sort of relationship that’s in the news at present. Yes that happens in gay relationships. I saw the warning signs the 2nd I met her. Cold & Controlling. She got the courage to leave, and after years of misery has just fallen in love with an older women who is gentle and warm and kind. Everything she hoped for.

If I was your husband I would get myself an individual therapist. That's just me. But I would need someone to vent to. And take up boxing.

And you too E. Don't be the proud health professional. Find a therapist. It's gonna be a long road.

Def.

[Esti67]

Thanks def for your words of wisdom. Ive just spent some magical days with my friend and i know what i need to do. It will be hard but we will get there. My husband has some acceptance and suggested i move out in the new year. We wont tell the kids about my friend just yet. That will emerge in time so there is minimal collateral damage. Thanks again for your thoughts .

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Oh E, that’s so bitter sweet. I have tears in my eyes for you and your husband.

For him, Oh that pain, that pain, there is nothing in the world like that pain, where’s my writing pad, I can feel some poetry coming on. Having to let go of someone that you’re still madly in love with and know in your heart of hearts there’s nothing you can do to save it - they don’t want you. The reasons why they don’t want you, or want to make it work, become immaterial.

I’m not the begging type. Not as gracious as your husband, I’ll admit that, in my anger, knowing me I would spit out some regretful words – and then scamper away and dive under the sea or swing through the trees and camp by myself for a few months. He knows the energy of this thing between you and your lady is bigger than him and he has to bow out and move on with his life. In time he will be OK. As the weeks and months pass he will get stronger and stronger. There’s no way in knowing how his grieving process will go, but I reckon he will be OK.

And as for you missy. Well, what do I say. I reckon you are onto a winner E. There are as many true to life stories as there are great novels, I’ve told you some yucky ones, but there’ lots of beautiful ones too, but it sounds like you have yourself a very lovely lady first off the bat!

She could be that women, that person that slows down time……..eek! I have goosey bumps. They play with clocks, I swear. It’s a beautiful thing, to be in that resonance with another person.

I reckon NY is a good time frame. Any longer and it could complicate things. New year, New start.

I will leave you to enjoy a wine.

You've given me hope I can love again E.

Def

[Esti67]

Thankyou def, you are a true poet. Yep, she is pretty special and I've known this for a long time. A lot of people will probably say im crazy but deep down i know i cannot let this opportunity pass. THAT, would be crazy! You absolutely can love again, despite my confusion about well, lets face it, most things, this is one thing i am certain about. Good luck Def.

E

[Only_I_know]

Hey Esti, you sound so wonderfully positive! It is inspiring and makes me hopeful that I too will find that special someone now that I'm out on my own!

I've been in my own place 2 days and already pulled the vacuum out 2 times, Cleaned, polished etc etc to keep the place looking nice! It's like I'm hoping to bring someone home LOL!

Good luck, I'm sure everything will go well.

Daz