Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

[Esti67]

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Well Esti,

From what I read in your reply to another member it appears your situation has progressed. Def was wrong, it is not quite as dramatic as she feared.....but all the while still very complicated.

Gosh what a head spin.

You must feel such a mixture of emotions. Some that are yours, and some that are.....not yours.....That's what women tend to do. Carry everyone's. If the women in your family are anything like mine, it was modelled to be self sacrificing at all cost.

Did I see you in the movies the other night? In 'Disobedience'. I said to my mate, it's an Esti or an Etsi that is in a similar situation...……….so your husband isn't quite as progressed as Dovid. He's still very invested in life as it is. It doesn't sound like he is making aspirational speeches about freedom to choose, and honouring what is true and no-ones fault despite being raised in stifling conservatism and religiosity.....but to some degree your husband has a level of realisation that this is bigger than him, and anyone really. You've used the word 'miserable' a fair bit, and that has wear a person down, or at least break your spirit a little bit. He must know that. Even if he preferred he didn't.

It will be a long, slow journey and as you say will require a lot of clear communication. I must say I was a little surprised to read that he still wants a physical relationship despite you saying 'I am a Lesbian'. Almost like that didn't register as legitimate......but, maybe he doesn't care if you're a lesbian, he needs life as he knows it...…

gosh, its tough,

wishing you well on your journey

Def

[Esti67]

Good to hear from you Def, now to answer your question, yes you did see me at the movies, i feel Esti is kind of my story (although I'm more of a rachael weisz girl myself). The movie was better than the book. I snuck out to see this movie when i saw the trailer - a must see given what i was going through.

As you read, things have changed a bit with me. Sleeping with my friend has confirmed everything i thought it would and is wonderful. My husband said he will do the open relationship but he doesn't want to see anyone else. I gradually introduced the idea of my friend, he said he wasn't surprised, its ok and he is glad its her but again this is very new and i dont think he is that comfortable with it. I'm also considering her and yes, we are all workshopping this to death. She is clear that she doesnt want a relationship as both our lives are very complicated at the moment so casual is ok. Its probably the best thing under the circumstances. I can see myself ending up with her in time but it's early days for us all. This now complicates the open relationship bit. I think i will have to eventually move out as whilst I'm in this situation, i can't properly out myself and it feels like its an important thing to do. My identity is important to me but so is my husbands beautiful heart. I think in terms of sleeping with him, I'd rather not but for him it's the closeness he craves. You are right, he does need life as he knows it. So there you go. Very complicated and yes the women and men in my family are very self sacrificing. I just dont want to get to 60 and wish I'd done this earlier. Thanks again for your insight. Hope you are well Def.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I thought I’d recognised you Esti! It’s a lot of people’s story. The subconscious pressure of choosing what we think we ‘should’ do versus what is true for us, is a very powerful influence on people’s lives. Throw in religious indoctrination on young supple minds and you have the perfect recipe for repression. For a lot of people also the idea of never having children is simple just too much and they bury it to ensure that they can fulfil that part a whole lot easier than if they did it as an out gay person.

You’re right the whole ‘open’ relationship and your husband still hanging on and wanting physical intimacy does complicate it. I know it is very, very early days, but I must say, if that was me, and I was the other women I would interpret that as you not wanting to be exclusive, and she too, is free to be with other women. I think it would also give your husband mixed messages and ultimately hope. You’re not his Mum. As strong as the familial bond is between you guys, sometimes ripping off the Bandaid is the kindest thing to do long-term.
I was going to suggest you move out on your own and live with neither of them. But didn’t because Sydney being outrageously expensive makes it tough for a lot of people. I struggle week to week living alone but I really enjoy the privacy and freedom. Sure, you get lonely sometimes, but that pushes me to get out and socialise or do some exercise.

You’re very brave Esti. You said you don’t want to get to 60 and have regret. But the majority of people do the complete opposite to you. They think, I do not want to get to 60 and not have my security blanket, lose my comfort and familiarity and ultimately be vulnerable again.

Familial love, and pragmatic togetherness is enough for a lot of people, I would say the majority, and tender, romantic passionate connection is left for the movies.

I’m the only gay in an enormous Catholic family stuck in the dark ages that takes a literal interpretation of the Bible, and as I get older I realise how brave it was for me to come out. You’re like that too E, the age is irrelevant. I actually think its harder to come later in some ways. You will experience the whole spectrum of reactions when you come out, and that includes secret jealousy! I'm not joking. Some people will be envious of your courage, the courage they do not possess and it may come out as nastiness. 
Def

[Esti67]

Hey Def,

Personally, my preference is in time to move out and live on my own. We have actually set ourselves up fairly well financially so its completely doable with minimal financial disadvantage for either of us. The woman i am seeing is the one who suggested the open relationship. My husband did as well. I would love to be exclusive with her but its not right for her at the moment. She named this so i accept it. It also helps me to move out of my relationship in a gradual way and not rush into things but as you said, i dont want to give my husband false hope. It remains awkward with him when i say im going to hers and staying over, it just feels a bit yuck. Moving out will give me the freedom i need in this situation and clarity for him. The more i think about this the more i know what to do. Timing is the issue. Its funny that when this is so new and terrifying and exciting you want to out yourself to the world but i am being warned by my L&G friends, be careful. I already know who the homophobes are and living and working in the community I'm in, it will be the subject of gossip and i don't want my family to suffer because of my choice.

I dont think people realise just how brave we are to make this choice. For some, easier to stay closeted. For others its living half a life.

And by the way, I'm totally ok with the chicks rubbing my thigh under the dinner table telling me how pretty i am. Thanks again.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Well Esti it sounds like all 3 of you have everything out in the open, you've all been honest with one another, and the women you're seeing isn't misleading you to believe she is ready for something more permanent when she's not. You referred to a crazy ex, and that takes time to get over. The heaviness of high drama and emotional exhaustion takes its toll.

I think that, that is great that you have the option to move out. That option is not available to everyone in a city like Sydney and I think you should grab it by the horns if you're lucky to have it. Freedom can be exhilarating if you push through the fear, and accept that it is normal to miss your husband and have days when you're lonely and in grief for the loss of your marriage and the comfort that it brought. You won't only be adjusting to being gay and out, you will be adjusting to being single, and I think that this may overwhelm a lot of people and that's when they go running back to their prior secure base even if they were unhappy. You haven't been single since you were a teenager and that in itself is something you haven't had to deal with for some years.

I think you're right that moving out will give your husband more clarity, it will feel more real and realistically mixed messages only prolong grief and moving on. Life may surprise your husband. Many people find a partner when they least expect it. Men in Australia live until an average of about 82-84 don't they. He could literally have as long with someone else as he has with you. In time I think he would be crazy to close his mind to that.

I'm sorry that there are homophobes in your community and at work. It's awful. The homophobia I get is more subtle now but it doesn't really effect me. I have forgotten I'm gay, it's only other people that remind me. I often get asked if I have a husband or am married and I say "No, I am a lesbian". That shuts them up. I often get a reply, "you don't look like one". What on earth that is supposed to mean I do not know.

I'm glad that you already have gay and lesbian friends. Being gay is not enough, I certainly have not liked every gay person I have met, some make me cringe with repulsion. Especially the racists. It can be hard to find like minded people gay or straight.

Your mates will help you get through it.

Def

[Esti67]

Thanks again Def, we have a long way to go

E

[Esti67]

I want to post here again as i feel i need some help in some serious decision making. You will see from my previous posts that I have started having an open relationship with a woman in my straight marriage. My husband is aware that i meet my friend who is a lesbian for sex from time to time as a way of exploring my sexuality after i came out to him a few months ago. He has been very generous with this situation. Whilst initially i wanted to move out to do this properly, reluctantly i stayed to give him time to adjust. Again, he asks no questions, accepts this situation and at this stage, has no desire to see anyone else.

Initially, my friend was clear that she isn't after a relationship however since this has as all started this has now changed. I feel like we are both falling in love which is beautiful and terrifying and the sex is everything i thought it would be and it feels right to me. We connect on a very intense and deep level and i am aware that the emotions in this situation are colouring the way i feel. I still love my husband and the secure life we have but i have no desire for him sexually and he knows this. We are essentially best friends and will always have a deep friendship. We haven't told our children who are aged 24 and 21.

We have friends who see both sides of the situation and are unfortunately projecting their own perspective. Some are kinder than others. My lesbian friends say make a call, if its who you are, give it every chance and see where this new relationship can go. My straight friends say go back to your husband, he's a great guy, sex isn't everything.

There are others who have posted (Daz, C4, Johnny, Creutz) who have been in straight marriages but have discovered later in life that they are same sex attracted and i share their pain. I feel now i need to make a decision as i feel like i am stringing along both my husband and the woman i see (trying hard not to call her my girlfriend) and it does not sit well with me. I feel if i lost her not only would i be devastated but that my feelings for women would resurface somewhere in time. Essentially going back to a straight marriage would be secure but un fulfilling. However i cannot fathom not having my husband on my life. I'm interested in perspectives of those who have been there and survived this, and others who might have something helpful to offer.

Thanks

E

[Only_I_know]

Hey Esti, great to chat again.

Well, I say that you need to do what your heart and gut tells you.

As you already know, I'm separating from my wife, I move out weekend after next - and it is scary. But my wife and I have promised that we will remain best friends, and I love her for that.

Originally she wanted to stay together, but we both realised that wasn't fair on anyone. I struggled with mental anguish for a long time, it nearly cost me more than anyone should have to pay.

I'm not in the position of being with someone yet, but hope to one day - and to experience what I'm supposed to. You have done the "right thing" for everyone else all your life so far, and now I'm a firm believer that you need to look after yourself. You are not, and can not, be responsible for the happiness of others.

Whilst sad for your husband, I strongly doubt that he would really prefer you to be leading an unhappy and unfulfilling life (and you will be unhappy - no doubt about it). He may not be able to see that right now.

Your life belongs to you, and no one else. Do what feels right, but just being sensitive. It may mean that you need to be a little assertive too.

Those that say "sex isn't everything" don't know what they are talking about - they just don't want to rock the boat because they don't understand (they're not bad people, just ignorant).

You well know that it isn't really about the sex. It's about all the inside stuff, the stuff in your heart and your whole being. The stuff that makes you - YOU! The sex is just the physical (pleasurable!) bonus.

If it was all about sex, I wouldn't have fallen as low as I had - to the point of almost checking out. I would still be here with my family and friends, all blissfully unaware that deep down I was actually gay.

I'm not suggesting you do or don't, but just saying that it's time for Esti to finally stand up and be the person that Esti was meant to be, if that is what you truly want.

Thinking of you, this is a hard decision to leave the comfort and security, but what price should you pay for your happiness?

Take care, and chat soon.

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Gosh you’re in a pickle E.

Your husband is a lovely person. I get the impression that you are 2 empaths. But 2 empaths can create confusion, if you’re constantly trying to accommodate each others soft heart, and neither of you wants to lose your relationship and life as you know it. But do you think there was a part of him that didn’t believe it was possible that 2 women can fall in love. Because from my perspective, him giving the green light on this, makes me wonder if he was hoping it was just a phase and fantasy, or on the Kinsey scale of sexuality that you were somewhere in the middle.

Daz’s wife, while she’s been pretty amazing, she still set a very clear boundary with the physical intimacy by leaving the marital bed. I’m not saying that you should regret what you’ve done…….but it was always going to be messy E with those blurred lines.

As for this………..My straight friends say go back to your husband, he's a great guy, sex isn't everything.
Wow. The sheer ignorance. But as Daz said, why have all you guys ended up on this forum if it is merely sexual satisfaction? Why are you here in the first place? Because LGBTI are over-represented when it comes to mental health issues for a reason. Scott Morrison is not a minority and neither are his attitudes. Australia still remains a very conservative country, and implicit messages have a very real affect on people’s minds.

You also seem nervous and anxious about your kids, family’s and communities reaction, by saying “I don’t want to lose my husband”, which is totally understandable. You’re worried it could become quite dire, and it actually may indeed, I can’t sugar coat it for you E. Why do you think you would lose them? I understand you don’t want to be the heartbreaker that causes pain. You don’t want to be the person that breaks up with a man that a lot of women would be happy to be married to because he is a lovely person.

And you also don’t want to lose the women you’ve fallen in love with, and take it for granted that life has served you that opportunity and be filled with regret. Because as you’ve read in other people’s stories on here, coming out and being gay isn’t a guarantee you will find love.

I think it could swing either way. You could end up resenting him, and feeling trapped & miserable if you go back. Or, if you leave your husband, and come out to your kids and family and it goes really badly, the tension between you and your lover could mount, and cause you guys to implode.

Def

[C4]

I agree Darren well said mate . Craig