Confused and scared

[Sezza_H]

Hi, I’m not exactly sure how to explain this but I’ll give it a go..
For the longest time I have always just thought I was straight. I’ve had a few crushes on guys but it never really went anywhere. Even if they expressed interest in me and/or asked me out, I would awkwardly turn them down and then avoid them. It wasn’t because I didn’t like them but more so that I just got a weird, uncomfortable, kind of scared feeling about it all. I’ve sort of just blamed this on my problems with anxiety, but I just don’t know. In the moments that they ask me out, all I think about is dating them, then my mind jumps to being intimate with them and then I freak and feel weird. Am I putting too much pressure on everything? Overthinking it? Is it anxiety related or related to some sort of self-insecurity? I just don’t know.
Then one day I was watching a movie whereby the main character was dating another female, and for the first time I wondered if I was a lesbian. I started wondering if this was why I never pursued anything further with the guys I had a crush on. Then I started questioning whether I had a crush on them at all or if what I was feeling was just associated with me having a close friendship with them (yes, I am very confused). Since this realisation that I could potentially be gay, I feel like I’ve been looking at some of my female friends differently because I am questioning whether I like them as more than just a friend. I met a nice girl the other day at uni and all of a sudden I started to think “she’s really beautiful”, and when I went to a uni event with her later that day I noticed myself getting a little bit nervous and changing my clothes every 5 seconds because I wanted to look nice. But then again, thinking that another girl is beautiful doesn’t mean that I am gay, and it’s not like it has ever crossed my mind before.
I just don’t know. I feel weird, uncomfortable and I freak out a little when guys ask me out and my initial reaction is always to turn them down, and I do feel this is related to me feeling scared. On the other hand, in relation to girls, I feel more comfortable and less weird around them but I don’t know if I like them more than a friend.

I’m so confused and was wondering if anyone could relate to anything I am saying or offer up any sort of advice or guidance.
Thanks, and apologies for the long post 😊

[Riley1402]

It is hard when you start questioning yourself and when I was younger I went through the process just like you. There's no right or wrong way to go through this as we all do it a little differently. I had a gay friend who thought I was gay and I was always saying, "I'm not gay just because I'm accepting of you and your friends"... but the question plagued me day and night and caused me to analyse all my actions, overthink every situation and my anxiety was through the roof"... Then I met "Lexi" and she was adorable. I would place myself in situations so I could be near her and close to her. My heart thumped everytime she hugged me and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I knew I was sexually attracted to her but I thought maybe it was just her. Back then I called her a boy/girl she had short black hair and could have been a cute boy or girl. She wore denim overalls and Nike's and I can still remember everything about her including how she smelt when you got close to her and that was 28 years ago. We had a conversation about how I wasn't gay and I laugh now to think about what she must have been thinking at the time. One day she called and asked if she could come over and talk to me about a recent breakup. I changed clothes, cleaned my room, heart pumping and trying to look normal and casual. She came over and we talked and when she went to leave she hugged me (but it felt more intimate) and then she kissed me. I can still remember that kiss and I said, "Maybe I need to rethink this not gay thing" and to this day I remember what that sweet 19 yr old said to me. "You don't have to decide today or ever and you don't have to fit into a box or wear a pretty label. But you can't decide this intellectually, you have to trust your feelings and they will guide you." It was a couple more years before I came out. Her words still ring true and I'd say to you don't put so much pressure on yourself to find out. Just live your life and the answers will come naturally. I've been out many years now and been with my partner for 16 yrs and when I look back it all makes sense and I always knew I was gay from a child but I had to come to that realisation naturally and on my own. Slow down, breathe...you'll be okay. If you are open to whatever comes your way, you'll find your answers. I wish you nothing but love on your journey. xx

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I don't have much to add that Riley1402 hasn't said already.

I think that an appreciation of the feminine and gender empathy can create beautiful female friendships, but that doesn't mean you want them sexually. Unfortuantely its a journey that takes time, and in the end only you can figure out.

I think that some Heterosexual/ Bi-Curious women fall into the trap of confusing aesthetics for sexuality. Lets face it we live in an Instagram world. To like women aethestically, is not to the same as wanting them sexually. You're not going to feel like coming home and ravishing them. Lesbian's want to be ravished just like straight people d,o by the person that says they love them. Some people just like pretty, cute, funky, sweet, edgy, things.

In my experience as Riley said, it will take 'a someone' to tell your body the difference. The problem with your situation is that you seem to suffer from some anxiety so your body could be mis firing messages. Maybe some counselling would help, but it's not for everyone.

Def

[Sezza_H]

Thank you Riley1402 and Definitely Otherwise!
I do struggle with ongoing anxiety which I am seeking help for but I always feel like it further complicates things. Your advice/guidance is very helpful and comforting though so thanks again😊

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I found it helpful to teach myself about the mechanics of anxiety. Once I learnt the mechanics, I could create more space and time around it, through lots of therapy and asking others for help, and educating msyelf, and taking responsibility for my choices. And once I'd done that, I could see with more clarity, and tell the difference between my mis-firing nervous system, and my true feelings.

If you suffer from depression, the ignorant will ask, "what are you sad about?"

If you suffer from anxiety, the ignorant will ask, "what are you worried/scared/nervouse about?"

They don't understand that you live in a body that misfires. That the strong reaction doesn't make match how small the stimulus was. That is because they have not lived it from the inside. They just think that it is psychological or some emotional thing that you will get over if you have a good chat to someone.

I got the impression that you have a lot of anxiety around intimacy in general. And that you cant see the forest for the trees. It's a hard thing to navigate, because you essentially have to become intimate with a medical professional to address your problems with intimacy.

I would try and address that hurdle first, before you tackle your sexuality.

Def