Hi Tom, I know the feeling of not being able to sleep at 3:30 and having 'what the hell am I doing with my life' type thoughts running around in my head. It's not nice, so I hope that by typing all that out you got some relief. You've touched on a number of things in your post, so I'm not going to try and tackle everything in this reply, but hopefully provide some different context to what you're feeling.
Ok. What you're going through right now makes sense. It is not a fault or flaw in your character. It is possible to have a non-traumatic coming out and still be affected years later, it is an unfortunate consequence of being different in a world where most people are straight.
In the teenage years, that's when most people are figuring out their identity. It can be a scary and confusing time for everyone, but it's made less so because you're surrounded by people also going through the same thing. Your parents went through the same thing. There are books, tv shows, movies all about people like you going through the same thing. For gay people, there's much less of that positive reinforcement, so we don't get to start figuring out our identity properly until we're into our twenties.
What are most straight people doing in their twenties? Starting to have their first intimate, serious relationships. This is really hard work even if you're doing it from a base of having already figured out your identity. But if you're still on that journey? You feel like a fraud, you worry about messing up, about presenting yourself in the 'right' way - but how do you even know what the right way is?
You may have thought about all this already, and you're right in saying that your depression is not 100% related to being gay. But maybe by accepting that, when it comes to relationships and identity, everyone develops at their own pace might mean that you're a bit less hard on yourself.
I hope you got a good sleep eventually, come back to post again and talk some more if you like about whatever else is on your mind.
