Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

[Esti67]

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

[Esti67]

Glad you've resurfaced Sez, hope you had the time you need. Things for us have actually been ok for the last couple of days, actually better than it has been in a while. I think because my husband clearly knew something was wrong and now ive been able to share what was really wrong i can start communicating properly again. My anxiety about this was affecting my work and my relationships with my husband and kids. There is a more grief to come, we both know this but being respectful, gentle and taking time will certainly help as we move into our new lives whatever that may look like. Thanks again all for your differing perspectives and support as we navigate this murky territory. I'm sure it will work out in time

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Sara,

No I totally get what your saying, and I agree. I don't want Esti to take love for granted and not grab it by the two ears if it is standing right in front of her, because as you say, it may never happen again. And if she didn't that can turn into resentment of her husband and the resentment can fester into depression, longing and sadness for her. We're all socialised that it will come into our lives, for all of us, and that it will last forever. Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant and pretty much all of Hollywood have brainwashed us on that one, but you only have to look around at everyone you know and clearly this is not the case. I have long periods of being single and alone and I know a lot of couples that take it for granted they have someone to share a life with.

I guess I was just trying to get her to see it from the women she's fallen in love with side, I think she will feel the weight of the marriage, and I genuinely think that the fact her husband also adores her, makes it much more complicated. I think Esti used the word betrayal and if I was her husband I'm pretty sure those emotions would arise when I found out. I'm not saying they would last forever, but I would be very conscious of it.

I guess also coming out and being gay isn't the biggest thing that's every happened to me. For some people it is. Other life experiences have trumped it hands down and rocked me to my core, and if they happened again I don't think I would survive. I have had several nervous breakdowns and I don't have another one in me. I'm the only gay in my family, I have been referred to as disgusting by some of them. I am often asked if I have a husband and I get a lot of shocked faces even in 2018. I don't know what the hell a lesbian is supposed to look like and behave like, but apparently I don't fit the bill.

I'm sure I will regret it for the rest of my life, I have never loved a women they way that I love her, and maybe I will never love someone like that ever again. But he was a genuine risk. A lot of other people agreed with me and my traumatised self took over.

Def.

[Just Sara]

Oh Def, I'm sorry about your broken mind and heart. I didn't mean to undermine your life's decisions or advice. I was doing what I've learned to do as a Champ. I can sometimes be a little distant, impersonal, clumsy and come across as lecturing. I apologise..

I can tell by your words it still hurts. They say time heals all wounds; well maybe, but the scars remain hey?

I don't talk much about me anymore as I've used my stories many times over as useful anecdotes or to purge my traumatised mind since 2015. Please believe me though when I say I understand and totally empathise with you.

Kind and warm thoughts;

Sez x

[Just Sara]

Hi Esti; and big shout outs to Daz and Def too!

I'm glad things have settled for you and yours. Sometimes I think going thru stuff isn't as hard as anticipating the worst. Anxiety has a way of sneaking up to let us know this. 😕

Yes, I'm back on board to fight the good fight and help others do the same. It gives me purpose and is a great complementary therapy to med's and my psych.

You guys are doing really well talking and supporting each other, so I might step back a bit and give you all space to continue.

It's been a pleasure getting to know ya's; you're all in good hands.

Take care my sweets! 🙂

Sez xo

[Esti67]

Hi Def, i havent quite known how to respond to this. I feel that my post has been a bit triggering for you. I'm sorry that you have had such horrible experiences particularly around other people's perception of your sexuality. It's hard enough to finally be ok with who you are yet having to justify your existence to people who are nasty, especially hurtful when its family. I'm also sorry for your heartbreak, it sounds really tough. I hope you are ok. I'm fine with your responses, i completely understand where you are coming from and the intention behind it. Its good to hear someone else's perspective and believe me, these are things i am very aware of.

Thanks again

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Esti,

it doesn't trigger my traumas, it does make me think about my heartbreak. but I am thinking about that all the time anyway so you've hardly precipitated anything there. My experiences are an extreme example, and completely different to your scenario, and there is a lot more to the story I haven't divulged that would give you a more rounded sense of it. She doesn't posses your inner strength for one, and very much cares what people think of her, especially her family but mostly her work. The women your interested has already come to terms with her sexuality and openly been in a same sex relationship before, mine hadn't, and this makes the world of difference.

I guess the fact that you are all friends wouldn't change what I am wanting to do, you cant control who you fall in love with, which totally sucks, it would just change how I did it. You don't want to live with regret in your life, it is a heavy burden to carry. Maybe what I would do is go to individual counselling and with a therapist who once they got a sense of where you're coming from could then meet your you and your husband as a couple. I try to imagine how I would feel if I was him. Because the idea of being able to express your love openly for this women is so exciting, and living a life that is true will be such a relief and what your health needs, it would be easy to put all the focus on the sexuality part. But if I was him, the emotions of, "I have struggled and hidden my same-sex attraction for many years and I can't do it any longer it is making me miserable and sick", would be different to, "I have struggled and hidden my same-sex attraction for many years and I can't do it any longer because I have met someone, oh and by the way it is one of our friends". I would feel like you'd replaced me. I think he may forget about the same-sex attraction part and only feel betrayed. And accusations may be thrown at the women you are into.

Not trying to scare you Esti, just trying reading it from an outside perspective made me think that I wouldn't do it alone. You and your husband would need the emotional support of health professionals.

And don't beat yourself up for being naïve. That's the very nature of love, free falling, against your volition, a little blind, if you were more rational it would only be just a crush, strong attraction or just a phase.

I hope it progresses as best it can. Your husband sounds like a beautiful man, I think in time he will be Ok and will move on.

Def.

[Esti67]

Thanks so much Def, hope all works out for you

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Sarah,

No apology needed whatsoever. I like it when people call a spade and spade because I was raised by people that spoke in riddles, but the little sarcastic heathen in me says they spoke in tongues, so it is refreshing, and what I am looking for in my life in the people I choose to surround myself with. Yes, it is still pretty raw. I am only human and a broken heart is a broken heart, and I truly loved her. I fooled myself that I had loved before but when she came along, I realised that I was deluding myself like some sort of foolish groupy pretending they felt 'that thing' when really I hadn't even come close. We're raised to believe that pursuing our happiness will come with minimum pain, but that is clearly beeswax.

Don't feel sorry for me. The nature of the online world means you can't see my cheeky grin and hear the inflection in my voice, while homophobia is never pleasant I have been 'out' since I was about 22, not a teenager but quite young-ish, so I have pretty tough skin. Been called everything under the sun, been harassed, taunted, family members still try and set me up with 'great guys'...….its only other people that remind me that I am gay, where as I have long forgotten.

I am sorry you have been traumatised too, I totally understand.

Def

[Definitely_Otherwise]

You will get there Esti. You and your husband seem very resilient and adaptable human beings.

The point of my posts weren't meant to scare you, but maybe just point out that there might be more twists, turns, humps, bumps, spins and twirls than you initially thought, once you'd off loaded that 3 tonne weight you have been carrying around for many years. I may be completely wrong and everything falls into place given time, because your husband can recognise that no-one choses who they fall in love with. It's against our volition and like sky-diving, which I have actually done, and I vomited on someone when I did it. Kinda like my love story aint it!!

Def

[Esti67]

Im glad you spoke your mind hun, no problems

E