Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

[Esti67]

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

[Esti67]

Thanks Daz, coffee with a friend is good medicine. Today was a good day.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Wow Esti,

You do realise that your husand is the exception don't you? What an amazing guy. He is very comfortable in his own skin and very adapatable. Most people take a lot longer to come down from the initial shock and ego blow, or never do at all, or even in some cases do incredibly violent and agressive things to their partner or themselves. You're the exception too Esti. The vast majority are terrified of what people think of them, and terrified of drastic change. They want what is familiar and what is known. Some people get half way there and go running back to their husbands or running back to their wives, yuck yuck yuck I don't want it, becuase enjoying it would mean they have to change so much, and feel that they somehow have to justify their prior hetero relationship. Our society is very 'either/or' when it comes to sexuality. You are either straight or gay, and across your life span you are not allowed to experience other parts of the spectrum without interrogation or accusations that you're a fraud. Come mid life, most people just want security. They want real estate, double income, equity, superannuation, there is no way in hell they want to tip that upside down for something they can sweep under the carpet as lust, 'a phase' or curiosity.

There's a lot of tortured souls out there.

It's gonna be a slow and gruelling process. You will be judged Esti. And eventually you will have to confess that the reason your same sex attraction gained so much momentum is becuase you have feelings for someone. He's gonna find out eventually, you don't want him to have to join the dots down the track and be heartbroken all over again. Extremely painful for you both, that none of us can chose who we fall in love with. No one can control that, its against our volition.

In the coming months/years be sure to protect your husband from any nasty cows, you're his best mate. He's too special to share his next chapter with a women that doesn't deserve him.

Def

[Esti67]

Hi Def, i think everything you have said is 100% correct. After being on a little bit of a high yesterday i have come down to earth and think i was being a bit naive. The road ahead is probably not going to be as easy as i think but i will keep pushing forward however slowly that may be. I also think you are right about the difficulty in not revealing my attraction to another woman being the impetus for this change. I feel deep down he may suspect as he adores this woman who has been a friend for a long time. I have no idea how to raise this and appreciate your thoughts on causing heartbreak all over again should he join the dots. I thank you for confirming what i was thinking.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Esti67

yes the ups and downs! but lets hope more up than down!

My beautiful wife came to one of my psych sessions with me and towards the end of the session she asked if she could have a moment with the counsellor alone. I obliged as I knew she wanted to say something without upsetting me.

She did tell me after, and what she had asked the counsellor was "Am I responsible for his happiness?" because she was worried that if she didn't go along with what I needed would I be happy - even before she said what the psych had replied with, I told her no she isn't. Every one of us is responsible for our own happiness. Know I know this is coming from my straight wife back to me, but the point is still valid and relevant.

Whilst you may feel guilty of this massive change in his life, especially at the ages we are (I'm not that far behind you!) we all are responsible for our own happiness. So just remember that.

Hoping things keep improving for you.

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I have to be honest Esti67 that changes everything. I didn't realise that your husband actually knows the person that you have developed really strong feelings for, and is even friends with her. Goodness me, this is complicated now. He may accuse her of stealing you off him and being a home wrecker, that you both were unfaithful, that it was planned for months/years, or at least feel that way if the facts don't quite add up. And he will compare now. If you left him for a stranger he wouldn't have so much to ruminate over in moments alone by himself, but becuase you guys have shared expereinces it is going to sting big time. And maybe change your childrens reactions.

You have to respect his emotional intelligence. Maybe he does know, but he has to hear it from you.

I think also it is going to put strain on developing a bond with her if you actually separate and choose to begin something together. If I was the other women I would feel extreme guilt and may even back out of the romance, or at the very least slow it right down, becuase I would feel just too guilty.

All 3 of you may need to go to counselling together. But not everyone is open to that. Your Beau will come to this with her own baggage from previous relationships and it may just all be too hard.......I could be completely wrong. But I think this changes things.

Trust me Esti I am not judging you what so ever. It is the most god awful feeling to be free falling in love with someone who is taken. You feel ridiculous and it is downright scary. I have had several married women hit on me in the past, and with one of them my feelings were the same as hers. But I would be lying to you Esti if his well being didn't make us implode.

I genuinely and sincerely in my gut felt that he could be a statistic, he clearly has some degree of high functioning depression, I could see it many, many months before her and told her that he needs medical help. People in my family have been that same statistic and if I contributed to yet another....I couldn't live with myself. Secondly, she confided in me that he and I share the same childhood wound. Let's just say it is the childhood wound the Catholic church are famous for......for me, even though I have never met him, he was immediately a kindred spirit. His wife just doesn't get it. She is ignorant and sheltered from that inner pain. But the thought of causing more hurt to a person who has been hurt in that particular way.....I couldn't. I just couldn't.

Def

[Esti67]

Yes Def, it is the biggest part of this struggle. If things escalate between us we would definately have a sit down with my husband given that we all have a relationship. We havent gone there with that discussion yet but i know it could become an issue. Betrayal is ugly. The situation is very complicated. A few weeks ago when i was first considering outing myself to my husband there was a time when myself and the other woman didnt talk for a while. I thought if i took her out of the picture would i still want to move forward and the answer was a resounding yes. I dont know what the future holds, she may run in the other direction but im feeling clear whether she's there or not.

Once again i appreciate your honesty, i need all perspectives to be laid bare so i'm not being naive, which at times i think i am.

E

[Esti67]

Thanks daz, you will see from my chats with def that it has the potential to become way more complicated. I think i need to be as honest as i can without completely derailing everything. Im glad you guys are working out. I know im not responsible for his happiness but i dont want to completely destroy him either. Thanks again

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hey Esti, I understand what Daz is saying, and I do agree, I am not responsible for his happiness. I can't even make sure he is safe. I have lived it. I know where this can go. I really am not that powerful. And I am not responsbile for his or their lives together that preceded me. And trust me, he is far from perfect, comes across as passively controlling, shrunk her social world to such a tiny dot that the most extreme case of codependence I have every seen was created. I would go as far to say that the marriage has literally made her sick at times, which angered me, and I think is very very sad. But for them, what the marriage gives them is more important than fulfillment. I know some people may think that my reaction is over the top, and that I have an unbalanced sense of responsbility that can get in the way of my own hapiness. She herself couldn't understand my extreme reactions. But certain life experiences rock us to our core and could even bring about our own demise if they happened again. I thought it was only my trauma brain talking, but he confirmed it. He said she would be better off with the life insurance and I crumbled! I will never forget the look on her face when I told her I thought he was a real risk. Utter disbelief, and she should be better at picking it. I told my doctor months before she started to think that possibly he is depressed and could take that extreme path. I'm not telling you this to scare you Esti. My experiences are probably many moons away from yours. But the women you have fallen for will be feeling the weight of your marriage. The women I fell for was never leaving her husband for me. She was very explicit about that, and it was true. The first time I ever met her she had this storm cloud of loneliness and unhappiness hanging over her that anyone with half a brain could perceive. She had tried to leave him many times over the years. But I would be lying if I said he's reactions and safety didn't give me sleepless nights. Do you know the complete and utter irony of this all, is that I think he may have some same sex attraction of his own. The dots don't add up and being women we talked about everything. She would be too proud and embarassed to admit that to me, but I would not be blown out of the water. Social inhibition is complex Esti.

It sounds like you are determined to come out regardless, you are really strong for doing that and for your own health and sanity you should. Maybe just slow it down a little.

Def

[Just Sara]

Hi Esti, Daz, Birdy and Def;

Thanks for the well wishes; they were nice to read. Not sure where you read about my past Esti as there's a lifetime of trauma to refer to. I'm guessing it's the LGBTI Cafe'?

I've had a few days off (mostly) to sort thru my two minds. Sigh...my post trauma damage makes it difficult to confront important decisions. It seems this is kind of where your thread's heading Esti.

Research shows that watching someone suffer can be more traumatic than going thru it ourselves. Facing difficult decisions that affect others challenges us to our core for this reason.

Apart from individual circumstances, there's a process to what you're all going thru; part of that's 'focus'. "What you focus on grows" It took me a long time to understand this quote; it's about priorities and losing yourself to others' pain.

If you look at a pie chart, there's only room for 100% of time, energy etc, so keeping an eye on where your focus is helps to create boundaries and prioritising self care. There's no such thing as 110%!

Our emotional and psychological health's our responsibility. Learning to focus on ourselves first and foremost can be personally and socially challenging, but necessary for long term well-being.

And please don't think I have this down pat either; it's hard slog walking away from the pain of others. Or.. walking away with fear of not being loved anymore. Whatever the reason, it takes practice and guts.

Hey Def.. Watching another's relationship woes can become habitual/addictive. Stepping back and allowing people to live their lives 'regardless', without intervening (unless police etc are needed) can be gut wrenching, but necessary for letting go, closure and moving forward.

I'm not sure exactly where you fit into [their] world, but it seems to be taking priority over your own. Please, correct me if I'm wrong ok. I value independence, but not at the cost of isolation; people need people.

If I've said anything upsetting or insulting, by all means say something. It's important to discuss differences as well as similarities.

I'm glad you've all found each other.

Warm thoughts;

Sez (Group hug!)

[Only_I_know]

Hey Sez, I think you're an awesome community champ. You always seem to know the right thing to say, nice words, supportive, and at time make people challenge themselves. Well done. Obviously you've been doing it for a while from the number of posts (and the way your words are thoughtful and thought provoking!) either that or you have nothing better to do!

I think in your last post, I couldn't have said it any better had I wanted to. Need to focus on ourselves before we can focus on anyone else. It's the same thing as what happens during an airplane in flight safety demo, where you're told to put your own mask on before that of anyone else. You can't help them if you're collapsing yourself!

Have a great night, and thanks for the group hug! I need one today after a crap day.

Daz