Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

[Esti67]

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

LOL. I don't know about a poet E. But definitely I'm on the heart spectrum, not the head spectrum. Rationality is a little aluminium for me, not great at logic either. I seem to lurk in the illogical and forbidden realm. Hey, that's cool with me.

Well you had a tumultuous time, in the space of a few days E. I could sense by your post on the 1st that you were panicked and scared that you may lose her, and the opportunity to connect deeply with someone may slip through your hands. But it sounds like you and your husband have had another chat and decided that you’ll move out in the NY.

As you say, you know that you will receive the whole spectrum or responses once it goes public, “a lot of people will probably say im crazy but deep down i know i cannot let this opportunity pass”……unfortunately you can’t control that, and ignorance and fear is still rife in the community.

I’ve been sitting here reading the articles on the SMH about private schools in the Anglican Church wanting to reserve their right to discriminate against LGBTI students and staff. It just blows me out of the water that in 2018 attitudes in many pockets of this country have not progressed one iota. Imagine being a gay kid sitting in assembly at that school right now, and then going home and having dinner with parents that echo the same sentiments. Well, I can imagine, that was me in the Catholic system! It’s no wonder people grabble with this for decades and feel so much shame when they meet someone, and fall in love against their volition, that makes hiding untenable. It’s brainwashing, some may even label it psychological and emotional abuse to humiliate and shame someone for something they didn’t ask for and can’t control.

The only people’s opinions that will matter will be your husbands, family and friends. You guys seem really close and you’ve been blessed with a rich social life together which is wonderful.

I think I will go to the movies and see 'Boy Erased' in the city this week.

I will leave you to yearn for your girl Esti. And look at the clock. And look at the texts. And look at the photos. I know you are. You can’ get past me!

Def

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi E,

Just popping in to say that I feel for you as I saw your posts. I can tell the anxiety is increasing & you must be nervous about your children’s responses & some people in your community. I won’t downplay it, or sugar coat it, it will be really hard. You said that your son has gone through a divorce and your daughter is Bi. If anything, I guess at least they have lived enough life to see that human relationships aren’t black and white, they can be complex things, and just because it didn’t last forever, it doesn’t mean that while it did, it had no authenticity. That it can continue in a new way, just not this current way. You didn’t cheat on your husband or have an affair or a fling, although I’m sure it could have gone that way, and when you did tell him, he agreed to open the relationship boundaries instead of separating.

Your kids may be angry and upset until they know that he is OK. And I guess it is one thing to come out as same-sex attracted & another to come out & leave him for someone else. The emotions will be much more raw, and I think the wider community will assume you had an affair.

People jump to their own conclusions & moral judgments all the time. Falling in love with someone else, or a marriage breaking down because of intimacy problems is something that happens in all the different types of relationships, gay or straight. I have had many heterosexual friends over the years tell me that the breakdown in their marriages began with, intimacy problems. That they were sleeping in separate bedrooms and haven’t been intimate in a very long time, even years. That they feel there is incompatibility, or they are just generally unsatisfied. I’m telling you now E that the only times people ever admit to that sort of unhappiness is after its all over and they have moved on. People are very private and want to save face. They are embarrassed because they feel undesirable, which mind you, I would too, & yet I have seen them sit on their high horses of moral judgment when someone has become unwell because of a situation similar to yours. They pretend they can’t empathise. When really, it’s not that different. It’s almost like some people are allowed to find happiness and have their needs met, and others cannot.

Not everyone needs connection in their relationships & not everyone believes in romance. But gay, or straight, a lot of people bust up and go searching for compatibility and connection.

Some stressful times ahead for you E.

Def

[Esti67]

Hey thanks Def,

Yes, its very up and down and as i move closer to telling the kids, i am becoming more nervous. Our daughter is very protective of her dad, which i am glad about but the other consequence is that i will be the villain. Im going to have to work hard to reestablish my relationship with her but my husband has my back. That will make the difference I think. On the positive side Ive had a great few days with my woman, we've been away. We laugh a lot. It makes me confident that i need to continue on this path. She is a wonderful woman. Ive given my tenants notice so the wheels are in motion to move out. Still not an easy situation tho. Thanks for checking in.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi E that’s really lovely your husband & daughter have that bond. She won’t be settled until she see’s him in his new life & is doing OK. It will just take time. People may turn on your partner too, and paint her as the home wrecker. People don’t want to believe that love doesn’t always last, they have to blame someone for shattering their own fears of loneliness and failure, it’s no wonder you feel ill at times.

I think parts or sections of your community will be a tough one too. Homophobia and disgust at same-sex attraction is very alive and well in Australia and across the globe, even if the same people break the rules of the Bible in other ways. Some friends of mine were telling me their sons best mate came out, he’s about 28, and his mother sent him to a Gay conversion camp on the Central Coast of NSW. She has now disowned him.

There will be a lot of moral hypocrisy. I was chuckling to myself the other day about the hypocrisy of the Christian Right & some of the excuses I was given, a big one was her mothers and family’s nonacceptance and that they are extremely homophobic. During the same evening she proceeded to tell how relieved and amazing it was that her ex-fiance’ was forming such a beautiful friendship with her Mum and she was so so grateful. And how he used to work in the underground as a mule for the sort of white contraband that over in the US Trump is using as a justification to build the wall. That he also fathered an illegitimate child which he wants nothing to do with and will not support in any tiny way, financial, or otherwise. I then read an article in the NY Times how Trump doesn’t appeal to the Christians Rights Christianity as such, but to patriarchy, and that women are pivotal in perpetuating it. Submissive women who revere white men, it’s almost like an extension of their God.

I have to be honest E, I have never come across a situation like yours in the real world where a bloke doesn’t find his ex wife’s same sex attraction even a tiny bit emasculating. Yours and Daz's situation with your spouses is the exception. In real life, the examples that I have come across over the years are much closer in similairty to C4's. Some heady times ahead.

Will he be living alone when you move out? Are your pwn folks around?

[Esti67]

Wow Def, you make some interesting points, about religion and homophobia. Well known though. I think all the talk about family values doesn't really wash considering how much sexual abuse of children has occurred in these institutions. The hypocrisy is astounding.

Re my situation, both of my parents have passed sadly which i guess gives me the perspective that life is short. I'm currently away with my husband which is very hard because i dont want to be. The endless workshopping is taking its toll on me, even though he really is trying to be very nice. The other side is that my girl and i have fallen deeply and passionately in love and what was once a one sided thing has now changed. She struggles when we aren't together as do i and wants more of my time that i cant give until i leave. Its very hard because i want her and only her. I cant go to mardi gras as its the first anniversary of my mother in laws death and my daughter particularly was traumatised after the incident. I need to support my family as they have me when i lost my loved ones. Its causing tension between us even though she says she understands. We will do Fair day and the film festival and I have started meeting her friends which is lovely and reaffirms that we have something special.

How are you travelling?

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Oh gosh E, so you’re husbands attachment system to significant females has already been triggered 12 months ago. I’m glad he’s seeing a psychologist. Human brains are clever, but attachment systems can get their wires crossed while in grief. Mine did. He needs to talk to a therapist so he can discern which emotions are about you, and which emotions are about parental grief. Some days it will all feel like one big sink hole of loss.

It may also mean that he clings onto the mothering and nurturing side of you even more. I have had straight friends go through divorces and seen the resentment escalate off the scale when the husband misses the mothering more than his wife, the person. Like she is an ancillary service to the little boy inside of him. Some women adore that role, even if its a grown hairy man, especially if they haven’t had kids themselves and miss being the mother - and run back. Others, it absolutely infuriates them, and makes them realise that there has never been any authentic passion in their marriage to begin with and they leave to seek it.

I’m like your kids, and 1000s of Australians, my grandparents were the head of the family. When they passed it was like burying a parent. I have buried one parent. As you say it does make you reassess. Some people have no epiphany and actually don’t change a thing in their lives to ensure they keep the bond and approval seeking alive to a deceased person. Other people do. My friend I have referred to earlier, her new partner is like a few ppl I have met over the years, who never came out until she buried both of her folks. Each to their own, who am I to judge, she is over the moon happy now.

I am much better E. Been left with exponential trust issues because I realised that I have been used by a straight person. I can see now that all that I was, was a Husband Holiday. She told me from day 1, her husband & her have had really bad intimacy problems, he can’t perform, it has destroyed her self-esteem and the resentment is exponential. I was a reaction to their intimacy problems - and just an experiment. She lied and deceived me. She had the best of both worlds and the 2 of them, too much to lose, even if they wanted to split up. He uses her, and she uses him. She told me it was a business marriage.

I hope to get to the MGFF too! I don’t think I’ll go to Mardi Gras this year. I may go to a bar with friends and have some drinks but not the parade.

How many weeks until you move?

[Esti67]

Hi Def,

I move on the weekend of the 10th Feb, which i am thrilled and saddened about, but more thrilled. Its given my girl the little burst she has needed as i have sensed that she has a niggling fear that i will back flip. This is probably similar to what you experienced, no certainty but hoping for the best. Its so weird, even tho my husband knows about us and is giving us space we need, while i am away i will call her but its very quick and our calls have to finish up suddenly so it feels like an affair but isn't. Its so awkward.

I can't wait to get home and see her so i can tell the kids and our separation officially starts, as hard as that may be.

Your experience and mine are very common i think, lots of baggage all intertwined with sexuality and complication.

Hope you are good.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi E,

We’re all different in the way we grieve but I am a rip the band-aid off kind of a person. None of this one hair at a time. So as much agony as I would be in, if I was your husband, the separation couldn’t come fast enough, and I would be booking myself some sort of overseas get away. I couldn’t drip-pour vinegar on an open wound and remain living together. I guess denial and shock can leave you kind of stagnant. His internal process, unfortunately, is his internal process now. I really hope that life surprises him and that, and in his own time, he puts himself out there, he sounds like a lot of women would desire him. He could have another 30 years with someone else. Easy for me to say, but when you’ve been so comfortable it’s hard to imagine anything else, when the reality is it’s a big wide world out there.

Sounds like you’ve surprised your lover too. Just when she was exhausted and fed up, I think you referred to a psycho ex at some time, life has surprised her, and she’s realised she can love again, and not all women are emotional vampires who bring you down & hurt you. Surprise, surprise abuse happens in same sex relationships too!

You’re right E. I found the weight of their marriage, and all of their bad habits completely overwhelming. He has her on a very, very short leash for 30 years and she came so used to the short leash that she finds it impossible to cope without it. She enables his behaviour and rewards him with promotions and career incentives. If he doesn’t get it, he has a tantrum or stands over all macho until he does, and she submits cutely.

I’m cynical E. I will be replaced very easily with another sucker to give her a little holiday from the unhappiness she sometimes feels in her marriage. I have gay and straight mates who have been used like me, by people to plug their intimacy problems with their spouses. They’re all the same. She will email her ex boyfriend from Uni days she told me she’s still in love with & he still loves her, go have lunch with him, or flirt with her other exes whenever her husbands bedroom problem hurts her self esteem. She will employ and manipulate other peoples hearts, while keeping her marriage as the base. Have her cake and eat it too, as they say.

It’s sweltering E. Hope your by a pool somewhere with a cocktail in hand!

[Esti67]

Well Def, i am strictly a G&T girl but am partial to a cocktail, preferably whilst sitting with my feet in my lovers lap and eating some cheese and bikkies. I'm in Melbourne at the moment and its sweltering here too.

After trying to please everyone I've decided i will go to the Mardi Gras after party, my girl, the eternal optimist has a ticket for me. I will support my family early in the day and then head in later.

I think this is the start of trying to prioritise myself as i have learned that ripping the band aid off slowly is more painful for everyone. Ive just tried so hard to do the right thing by everyone.

I'm sorry you have been done over so badly. It sounds like you have had a terrible time. Hoping you find someone who loves you for your generous heart.

The one thing i was very conscious of initially was the impact of being with my girl casually and what it was doing to her headspace, even when she said she was fine i could see our relationship was messing with her head. Im glad i called it when i did and that we have something lovely. After telling my kids the next challenge is to tell hers and the ex who will no doubt try to derail things - now that is one emotional terrorist !!!

Can i ask you a question? Do people become a bit weird when you tell them you are a lesbian? I outed myself to a person who is safe but shes become a bit awkward. I'm thinking this is common right?

Anyway, Happy Mardi Gras love, hoping you find someone special soon. Thanks again for all of your support.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

You can definitely do both E. The after party kicks off later at like 10ish I think. It will be a tiring day but worth it. And think about it, it will be roughly 3 weeks since you moved. I think you will need a pick me up! There’s going to be tension in the family & you will probably want to get away! I know what you mean, when you say shifting the role of caring for others as well as acknowledging what you want, is a big change. Some people won’t want your role to change, while others will be happy to see you find your happiness.

I guess you ripped the bandaid off slowly because your husband was distraught and initially this felt like what he needed to be safe & empathetic to the shock he was in. You were really worried about him, wracked with guilt and feeling like it is selfish to have needs. That was in the beginning, but now that your relationship has progressed and become official, and you know that it’s OK to have your needs met, I think sooner rather than later is best. When we’re heart broken but still in love, we cling to any tiny bit of hope. He could still be hanging onto hope you’ll change your mind, even if he doesn’t show it. Of course, he needs professional supports in place as he transitions to the next chapter of his life, but he’s an adult and has to line that up for himself now.

Gosh, good luck with your partners Ex! Eek. LOL. A baptism by fire E. My goodness, wear a helmet & body armour LOL. All it will do, is reinforce for your lover how miserable and unhappy she was for years, and yet kidded herself, she wasn’t. And she will think what on earth was I thinking being with her when she could have someone lovely like you! All those wasted years she’ll think, and relief that she escaped!

I do get strange energy shifts in people when I tell people I am a lesbian. I get asked if I have a husband and children. I get told I don’t come across as gay. I do experience discrimination and bullying, and a lot of bitchiness. I get Bi-curious women being very ‘friendly’ and recently straight people using me for experiments. And Prime Ministers using me to placate the ultra-conservative wing of the Libs for the ME vote. Its not easy being gay. But I also genuinely have straight friends and associates that being gay doesn’t seem to change their opinion of me. I experience the whole spectrum.

You will come out many times over E. It’s a funny social experiment. Some odd balls out there I’m telling you now.

Def.