Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

[Esti67]

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

[Esti67]

I know right! Would you believe we were called sisters? Sisters? We dont look anything alike but the poor shop assistant was so uncomfortable she didnt know what to say or where to look and believe me, it was obvious we were together.

Not looking forward to the drama but will be part of the baggage. I will just disengage, THAT will drive the ex crazy and effectively the best way to deal with a gaslighter. Luckily, my hubby will be on board if she tries to contact him, which she will.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Oh gosh E, you used the phrase gaslighting, I didn't realise it was that bad. I realise now that I was probably being a little too flippant when referring to your partner's ex.

Say no more, I understand. I have expereinced that for about 25 years with a close family member, and it is one of the power dynamics that broke me and led to my nervous breakdown.

Look what happens when someone with those traits wins office in the US election. Trump is the classic gaslighter.

Dare I say it, but it sounds like your girl has exited a very toxic relationship? You can correct me if I'm wrong, but that sort of stuff does so much damage.

The mate I referred to, who left her husband with 2 little kids to be with a women, found that the women she fell in love with was a reality shifter/gaaslighter too. Wore my friend lower and lower and lower and lower. Her personality changed, she gained a large amount of weight, she was socially isolated from family and friends......you know how it goes. Classic case.

She felt so ashamed and silly for leaving a wonderful man for an awful person, but she was gay. Her ex husband found the love of his life about 7/8 years ago. And about 18 months she has met an older women who is the love of her life....Looking back she said one of the first warning signs was how early on her partner lay claim to her money! Like pretty much day 1! Awful situation at the time, but she found the strength to leave, it was no walk in the park, her Ex tried to take all her super ect, but she is so much happier. She looks and sounds like a different person. She's back to her old self.

Just ignore her. As you say, they thrive on having a victim, or what do they call it, a supply or whatever, and if you don't feed the supply she will channel it elsewhere or find a new partner to repeat the whole scenario with all over again.

I feel for you E. I will never be the same after experiencing that relationship dynamic. I put it up there as bad as my childhood SA. I believe they are beyond rehabilitation, and I am a positive person.

Take care, sweltering again up here, eek the humidity!

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hey E,

Just swinging by because if things have gone as planned, it should be Moving Out, And Moving On weekend for you, and just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your giant leap out into a new future.

I'm sure it's been really intense at the house in this holding pattern. Dragging it out anymore would only prolong everyone's suffering, and blur the lines, possibly giving hope, when what is needed is clarity.

I think having your own private space, where the energy is neutral and you can control who comes and goes, and on what terms, while you try to process everything that has happened, is exactly what you need. Living alone can be great. You don't realise how much noise is in your head, and how often you walk around with other people's emotional baggage on top of your shoulders, until you have your own little safe haven to unwind in, in private.

I read that you told your adult children and while not smoothe sailing, also not as bad as you worried it may be. Sounds to me your adult daughter will really miss you, which is lovely and natural, but she's not a kid anymore. She knows that you are more than your role in the family unit.

Come our 20s we begin to see that the elders that riased us are actually people too, and while we will always have a familial bond, we can't pin them down to a child like concept of who they should remain to be for us, because it makes us comfortable and provides us with a constant. As if anyone over the age of 40 are never allowed to change, and only young people are allowed to grow and pursue parts of themselves that have, until now, been unexplored, or consciously repressed for years.

You can still be your children's constant despite this big change, it will just take time to adjust to the 'new order' as you described it.

I was happy to read that your husband has started couselling. I would have started the day after you told me, but hey, we're all different and process stuff in our own way. I'd do some solid weekly therapy for a few months and then take myself overseas somewhere to begin rebuilding my life as a single bachelor and start building my sense of self and confidence. I guess you can't control his side and what strategies he uses to begin his new chapter in life.

Best of luck E. You'll probably fall in a heap and need a little time out from everyone, with a cold one in hand of course!

Def

[Esti67]

Hey Def, you are good. The move happened yesterday, I'm sitting in bed with my second cup of tea. My emotions are very mixed, excited, scared, sad for my family but it really is best case scenario considering the circumstances. Minimal financial burden, 5 mins away, amicable separation. My daughter is still very unhappy with me but we are off to a concert tonight- jess glynne- can't wait to see her. I hope we will be ok. Ive only told the kids that i need space to explore my sexuality not that i am seeing someone. That would permanently damage everything. I will bring my girl in a bit later after the fam have had time to adjust. My husband (ex???) has been great as expected, he stocked the whole fridge and pantry, changed the locks and helped me unpack. He remains sad tho and a im expecting him to crash some time soon.

Thanks for remembering Def, its been a big week but i am loving my own space, just being able to phone my girl without looking over my shoulder is a relief.

Take care hun.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

A really big emotion packed week for you E. You need a good cry.

Unfotunately I think that your husband will crash, but I think that sometimes walking through the fire actually is the best for his emotioal wellbeing long term, and I actaully have a lot more respect for people that breakdown instead of being a user and fake as opposed to sincere, and real.

It's the sharpest sting to come face to face with unfixable loss, but if you've ever experienced any form of grief from a major loss, you learnt that the emotion of grief keeps waving back and back, over and over at the strangest times, for years. A lot of people try to fill that void before their marriage is even over with someone new.

The people with integrity and sincereity always do crash, because they're not out in the world using, lying and breaking someone else's heart, building them up with hope that all they tell them & feel is sincere, because they have clearly not processed the breakdown of their marriage, and they want to avoid the pain of that at all costs. Dating apps are awash with people where it is so so so obvious they have broken up with someone or they're relationship is about to end and their massive ego kicks in and they have to appear to come out on top, and get in first. You can just sense it.

In the end all they do is protract their orinigal grief and sadness in my opinion. Your husband has some really tough months ahead, but with a good therapist, friends, family, work etc he will get there. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way, and he sounds like a fantastic bloke with a very strong sense of self. That can put him leagues ahead of other people, trying to get over something like this.

The reality is you would be really sad too E and in grief for the loss. You don't come across as the sort of person where it is easy to be the hurter. It will be a slow process for you too.

I hope that you enjoy the concert. Even though you guys are in the flux of huge change it's lovely that you have a matey bond with your daughter.

Enjoy the cuppas and the privacy. Go gently on yourself.

Def

[Esti67]

So here i am, in my new place for 4 weeks now. I have been very naive thinking we could all be happy families. The kids are struggling with my ex and i being ok ( weird i know) but I've continued having dinner a couple of nights a week despite a little passive aggression. I cannot bring in the woman i am seeing to the family yet despite wanting her to be a full part of my life. My challenges are to establish some boundaries with my ex who comes and goes in my place and turns up unexpectedly, reassure my new love that whilst i still have some emotional attachment to my ex given I've just left a 35 year that she is my primary relationship and stay engaged with kids despite the difficulties and disapproval. Tough situation but strangely, still worth it

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Oh Gosh E, that's really hard & difficult. You are having to juggle everyone's emotions. I guess when you've lived it from the inside for years, its easy to forget family has only just found out and are probably still in shock. But I have to say isn't it funny how different we all are! when faced with major loss we react so differently. Yours & Daz's situation whilst similar, is completely different in that you have actually met someone else. There is someone else, and that changes the whole dynamic of the split. If I was your ex husband I would have done the absolute opposite. There is no way on earth I would come near your place within a 10k radius in the off chance I see you and your lover together. You know in your heart when someone isn't in love with you. To me, that is like grabbing the balsamic vinegar for the salad dressing and pouring it on an open wound, and just for fun why don't we just grab the rock salt and crush it into the wound with our elbow. I would have to have zero contact for at least 3 months for my own sanity and those family dinners would be something I would aim for in the next 12months. I'd have to take myself away and grieve.

I think some tears and anger are healthy. If we swallow those natural reflexes he may find himself in depression. You said there have been some little jabs of passive agression. If he keeps swallowing that, thinking he has to be the upstanding, sensitive, locally loved citizen you have described, he may turn it all in on himself. Reasonable anger and resentment can propel you forward. Too much understadning can leave you in the past. Sometimes these uncomfortable emotions have healthy long term effect. Maybe I'm just too proud and he's much more highly evolved than I am. But if I was having a beer on a Friday with him, I would be saying, "C'mon mate, leave her alone, where's ya pride! she's met someone else".

Gosh that's awkward. I guess he was so lovely and patient and understanding, you feel that after 35 years you could extend some patience to him too. But some of the patience would have been hidden hope, even if he doesn't realise it.

Your lover would be feeling very, very intimidated, nervous & guilty with 35yrs of shared history. It's not her fault she's anxious. And if she has lived with a gaslighter...OMG hello, that's been her reality. I know it feels like more pressure having to reassure her all the time, but she has a past too. I really feel for you E. Has her Ex caused any problems?

Def

[Only_I_know]

Hey E,

Yes I understand how people would find confusing that you both are okay, my kids don't think about it, but it's the adults around that do. My wife and I are still mates, we kiss and hug each other, and just basically look after each other. I've had a bad back for the last 6 weeks (like I have many times over the years) and she checks that I'm okay and if need anything - she knows how bad it can get for me.

Last weekend we were supposed to catch up with her cousins and uncle/aunt, and she was okay with me going too. I was a little worried about it - I had some work friends saying "that's odd" or "that'll be awkward" - I hadn't thought about it until I heard that. After all, we didn't split up because we didn't love or care for each other or one had mistreated the other. In the end it got cancelled due to the heat.

My wife and I don't just turn up at each others, we send a message if we're heading over. I guess because neither of us have someone, it isn't an issue at the moment - we're not having to balance new partner feelings Vs the old, but it will come in time. That is something that I'm conscious of, and will have to make sure that we set boundaries early. but for now, I'm okay with how we are. Today my wife popped into my house to do some washing as her machine is on the blink. It doesn't bother me, I've given her a key.

I'm sure that things will slowly start to work out for you E, it must be hard for the 3 of you. No doubt there'll be more tears from everyone, but you've come so far now. I guess - for both of us - having to deal with these issues is a consequence of the decision we made as young adults to go down the path that we did. On one side it doesn't seem fair that we have to as we've had to deal with hiding ourselves all our lives. On the other - it isn't fair to our Ex's as they thought they were with their "forever" person.

For me, I am okay with working through these situations, I would much rather have it this way than have her hating me for what has happened.

Take care E, and enjoy your new life!

Oh, and the consensus seems that I should start to look up those sex workers...… I'm getting butterflies just thinking about it! LOL! Maybe one day soon I will!

cheers

Daz

[Esti67]

Thanks Def, wise as always, my ex wavers between lovely, intrusive and passive aggressive. I guess he is just so sad its coming out in lots of different ways but i do need to do some serious boundary setting. I do have to be patient but i dont think its ok that he is intruding on my space, he comes over when im not here, takes my washing and irons it, i know these are first world problems but i feel like this is my stuff, dont touch it. I want to just hang in my own place, ill iron when im ready. Its just starting to feel a bit controlling, however well intended. Anyways, it will be ok eventually but it is tougher than i thought. I hope you are keeping well

E

[Esti67]

So Daz, you will see from my last reply to Def that we arent that ok.its actually pretty tense at times but i still know ive done the right thing. I think its worse for my ex because i have someone and he is still struggling and lonely. I love being in my own place though, i can finally breathe. Glad you are enjoying your new life, its harder than i thought it would be.

E