where do I start

[Herbygal]

not sure where to post this thread it's all foreign to me, I've been with my partner for 40 years the last 10 have been unbearable dealing with my husband's depression. I've been verbally abused many many times, physically abused and have had to call the police, I know I have been living in hope that some miracle will h a open and he will go back to who he was before all this, I know he loves his family, grandkids and me, he is getting treatment that is not helping, I feel like I am drowning now even though I love him so much, I'm scared of him but I know he is so unwell, I'm lost to know what to do. I'm so exhausted. I'm crying all the time now. i don't know how to start again by myself at my age, it's so messed up.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Herbygal,

Thanks for sharing this on the beyond blue forums. Opening up about your struggles is not always an easy thing to do. It is great that you've taken the step to reach out here tonight. If you'd like to talk these feelings through please, contact our support team anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm - midnight. It sounds like you are really trying your best to get through this and we hope you receive some support from our community.
 

[Stumblingon]

So sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with such a difficult dilemma. Do you have friends or family you can stay with while you gather your thoughts and consider your next steps? It may even give your husband pause to know you have reached your limit and that he needs to make some real changes or risk losing you.

[Herbygal]

Tank you for your suggestions which are so appreciated. Everybody has supporred him and talked till we are exhausted,. he has moved out temporarily to doggerent places. He has periods of recovery followed by periods of impatience and anger. Many professional avenues have not helped. if I move on he gets more aggressive. I'm not sure whether to live like this and just enjoy the short spurts of good and try to withdraw and not care when it's bad or to stop altogether and try and start a less stressful life
I feel sorry for him
I have nightmares about him
but I've had my whole life with this man and don't know how to stop caring so much

[Herbygal]

whoops
sorry about the spelling I'm typing through floods if tears

[Stumblingon]

Do you see a counselor or anyone to discuss what you are going through? Maybe talking to someone with experience supporting carers could help clarify your feelings and help you decide the best way forward for both of you? You naturally want to support your husband but he needs to want to change. It sounds like you need to give yourself some much needed nurturing before you can find the strength to support him.

[Herbygal]

i have given so much support and forgiveness but he always slips back into the same patterns of behaviour
I really think moving on is my only decision now to save any shred of who I am
I'm quickly becoming depressed too
no point in going down with the ship when the captain is only worried about himself anyway
I know mental health is complicated but I can't make a difference
I just have so much guilt and sadness at letting 40 years of relationship go
im having terrible nightmares

[Stumblingon]

Do you have a vision for your future that gives you a sense of peace? What do you need to do to make it reality? Not that chasing fantasy is always the path to happiness, reality can rarely compete with the imagination. But still I feel that a sense of inner peace is a good guide to what we really want from life.

[Herbygal]

thanks for your caring reply
I don't know how to get myself to inner peace anymore
I just sit around crying
I know I can't go back into that dangerous situation but don't know how to get myself forward
I'm lost
in limbo
I'm not having good thoughts or not sleeping
I'm so scared I really don't know what life holds for me at 62 years old starting again

[Seadragon17]

Oh dear - how difficult.

You owe it to yourself to live a better life than this. Sometimes the one we are in seems the safer one because we know it but this sort of environment is too destructive to you on every level. Please seek help through beyond blue support line, lifeline etc. You need support to help you be strong. It is hard to imagine but life can be so different and better. Please don't suffer anymore.