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where do I start

Community Member
not sure where to post this thread it's all foreign to me, I've been with my partner for 40 years the last 10 have been unbearable dealing with my husband's depression. I've been verbally abused many many times, physically abused and have had to call the police, I know I have been living in hope that some miracle will h a open and he will go back to who he was before all this, I know he loves his family, grandkids and me, he is getting treatment that is not helping, I feel like I am drowning now even though I love him so much, I'm scared of him but I know he is so unwell, I'm lost to know what to do. I'm so exhausted. I'm crying all the time now. i don't know how to start again by myself at my age, it's so messed up.
13 Replies 13

You mentioned that he has moved out briefly before. Do you think that is something he might agree to on a longer or permanent basis? Is there anyone who may be able to mediate for you to reach an amicable agreement for separation?

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi herbygal,

I would recommend doing what I did when I left an abusive relationship, and that is start to mentally prepare yourself beforehand. I have some medical conditions, one of which is life threatening, and I thought that there was no way I could ever leave. Plus I was so low from the constant abuse I could barely get through each day. But I started very slow, practicing self-care, getting out of bed, buying books, sitting in the sunshine, doing little things for myself that made me feel a bit better. Started doing more and more things on my own until eventually one day it just felt easier to leave than to stay, and now I wonder how I ever let it get so bad. You only have one life, and once it’s over it’s done, is this how you want to live it?

thank you for your very thoughtful replies
I too suffer terrible arthritis and fibromyalgia
I don't know how to go back to work
I'm grieving what was not what it is now
one minute I feel a bit stronger but then I just dissolve into deep despair again
I just feel ill all the time
such a scared em ppl th sick feeling like there's nothing left for me yet I know I love my family but it's too hard on them trying to sort it
they are well stressed out
it's terrible
he's still in caravan at our house
he refuses to communicate
so hard


Grieving about what was once, is a beautiful thing because it reminds you that life was wonderful and purposeful and happy. Grieving is normal and feels sad but over time you start to see that grief just shows you that you care and are loving. Those moments you are grieving are not lost, they are still there and they will comfort you all through the rest of your life. Life is simply a cluster of chapters. We all have favourite chapters and you can re-read these over and over again just to keep them alive. But just don’t let yourself stay in the chapters at the beginning of your book. You might have a chapter yet to open which also becomes your favourite. You need people to support you as turning pages is scary. But you should do it. It seems so hard and you have to feel brave but when you do, it will be amazing. Please take care of yourself and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. But value that you are worth more than this. That will guide your decisions.