Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Zazu What will speaking achieve?
  • replies: 2

The past four days, apart from answering direct questions or using as few words as possible, I've stopped talking to my husband. Before that, for months now, every time I speak, it's been the wrong thing to say. I'm either assuming something, asking ... View more

The past four days, apart from answering direct questions or using as few words as possible, I've stopped talking to my husband. Before that, for months now, every time I speak, it's been the wrong thing to say. I'm either assuming something, asking the wrong question, asking the right question but in the wrong way, interrupting him or some other mistake. Now, when I talk, I ask myself first "what will speaking achieve"? If there's nothing positive to be achieved, I stay quiet. It's much more peaceful at home. Even something as seemingly simple as "when would you like dinner?" was causing a half hour long argument. Now, I just make dinner and if he's ready, he eats with me, and if he's not, we eat seperately. But there are no arguments which is great, four days with no arguments has to be a record. I am naturally a combative personality - I enjoy a (healthy) debate, and can see both sides and play both sides for intellectual fun. I'm wondering if I've been bringing this part of my personality into my relationship too much - as my other half is not the type to see himself as ever incorrect about anything, in his mind it's not possible and there's always a way to explain his "right-ness". Is this the secret? Stop running my mouth every opportunity and be more mindful of what I'm saying? Only saying what is necessary instead of everything that pops into my head? We've only been married two months.... I want to put the effort in to make it work.

themadchatter In love and confused
  • replies: 9

I need advice. I met this girl online in a Facebook group and found myself attracted to her instantly in addition to liking her personality as well. She's funny, caring, has beautiful eyes and a lovely smile. I wrote a note to her telling her what I ... View more

I need advice. I met this girl online in a Facebook group and found myself attracted to her instantly in addition to liking her personality as well. She's funny, caring, has beautiful eyes and a lovely smile. I wrote a note to her telling her what I like about her while she was asleep one night. She woke up and felt so special because of it. One thing led to another and we both realised we liked each other. Spoke to each other everyday on the phone as well as texting. Sometimes calling a few times a day. I was falling hard for this girl. As I tend to fall hard quickly. She wanted me to come see her to see how compatible we are together. I live in Adelaide and she lives in Northern NSW...close to the Qld/NSW border. So I purchased some airfare tickets to come see her. She made it known to the group that she and I were interested in each other and she could be friends with other guys but could only offer them friendship, as she was keen on me and I on her. However this one guy realised he liked her too. Kept messaging her and asking her to ring him. After I had bought my tickets to fly to her...she revealed to me the other day that in addition to us liking each other she also likes this other dude and he likes her. Now she finds herself in a predicament...having to choose between one of us. All because this other dude wouldn't take no for an answer. She told him she could only be friends with him but feels like he guilted her into liking him by talking to her as much as I was. My flight to see her is tomorrow night. But last couple of days just feels like she is slowly distancing herself from me. She says she is excited about me hanging with her and I am excited too. But if she decides to tell me not to come then I am out $300+ dollars and I potentially miss out on her as well. I just don't know what to think anymore

BradDad Struggling with work and family life, two full time working parents
  • replies: 7

My wife and I are both full time (not much choice about it) and are raising our three small children (all under seven). I feel like a zombie most of the time and the prospect of each day is exhausting. I joke that 'the only thing harder than the work... View more

My wife and I are both full time (not much choice about it) and are raising our three small children (all under seven). I feel like a zombie most of the time and the prospect of each day is exhausting. I joke that 'the only thing harder than the work week is the weekend.' But it's not a joke and it's difficult to enjoy life and my kids when I feel so utterly burnt out and also like there's nothing in my life that isn't some sort of demand on me. I've been told by a GP that I need to start exercising for health reasons but also to assist with energy levels, mood etc... but finding the time is impossible and it becomes yet another chore that I'm trying to fit into the day. A work colleague was finishing up last week and we all knocked off at 4. I was able to have one beer before dashing for the train for pick up. Just felt so resentful of everyone who didn't have these demands on them and a longing to kick back and let off some steam. I know it's not a good way to feel about things but can't help it. Any others in similar situations/can relate/ have advice?

purpledaisies Lashing out
  • replies: 3

Hey everyone, Wow, it’s been so great reading everyone’s experiences! Makes me feel slightly less alone I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety on and off for a long time now, I go to therapy, which has helped a lot and I maybe only feel lik... View more

Hey everyone, Wow, it’s been so great reading everyone’s experiences! Makes me feel slightly less alone I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety on and off for a long time now, I go to therapy, which has helped a lot and I maybe only feel like shit 1-2 days out of the week now instead of 3-5. But i'm still struggling with behavioral stuff, I lash out and get angry for no reason. Some offhand comment is now the biggest deal in the world! My poor partner gets the brunt of my attitude and aggression when I feel like shit. I lash out and immediately feel so guilty afterwards but the damage has been done... I try so so so hard to catch myself, with varying degrees of success. It’s like I forget in the moment that that weird feeling my brain, that depressed, sad feeling, can and probably will lead to my snapping and being a total bitch. But I don’t. Sometimes I notice. But mostly I don’t. My partner has been with me most of the way. It wears on him a lot now I think. It’s gotten to a point where he says he can’t remember a Christmas or holiday he’s enjoyed because I’ve had an ‘incident’ and it’s effected the whole trip. Which obviously makes me feel so sad and guilty that he can’t just live a normal, happy life without a partner that makes him feel miserable... He knows It’s not my fault and doesn’t blame me, but it doesn’t make it any easier knowing that. He says it’s like this other person takes me over I’m not longer his happy, friendly, fun, thoughtful person he loves, but a raging asshole out to crush the world! and I get it I really do! Has anyone had any success in ways to make yourself more aware of how you're feeling? So you can catch the bitch before you bite? I’m starting to feel like I should become a hermit, detach myself from the world so I can’t hurt anyone. Just have dogs. Be a dog lady. Lol xx

Guest_598 He doesn't want me to leave, but makes zero effort
  • replies: 4

Hi All, my husband and I have decided to separate because he needs to find out whether he wants to pursue his current idea of having children, which I never wanted. We are separating amicably and love each other still, but over the years, he has hurt... View more

Hi All, my husband and I have decided to separate because he needs to find out whether he wants to pursue his current idea of having children, which I never wanted. We are separating amicably and love each other still, but over the years, he has hurt me a lot with his dissatisfaction, rehashing the past and depressive periods. So I know, we need to go separate ways so he can find out once and for all what he wants from life, and for me to find back to myself and what may be the best for me. We still live together while we are arranging everything and we decided to give this our best to cherish the last few weeks and months with each other before the separation happens. Now that the separation date is coming close, he often asks me not to leave him. And it breaks my heart. He also says that, maybe, after some time apart, we will find back together. But as much as I would like that, I cannot see that he is learning anything from this current decision and situation. As example, my birthday occurred recently and he made no real effort. He arranged a dinner a few days after, however, I told him explicitly that I didn't want that to be my gift (it's such an easy, one minute arrangement to make). He wanted to know whether I want a gift and over the years, I have told him so many times that the gift is not about the material nature, but about a demonstration of thought and effort going into it. He is super stressed at work which seems to be his priority a lot, and so he did nothing than write a little card and book in the dinner online. I came home after a full day of work travel and he'd had dinner alone. When I asked whether we should have wine, I had to clean out the glasses and prepare everything. Please don't get me wrong, this is not about a gift. But I realized once again, like so many times, that he goes the path of minimal effort. He claims that he is scared of getting it wrong or busy but that is not an excuse for doing nothing. I thought that someone who wants to keep me in his life would actually actively try absolutely everything to achieve that, especially since I communicate my needs. I can't see any effort, probably because I am not a priority and because he just doesn't seem to get why I am leaving. Can somebody be so blind or is that a chosen mechanism? I was so disappointed, I told myself that this is why I will never come back. But it hurts me to think that way given I love him. How does someone finally learn and understand? Am I so wrong?

Amino_Acids Dealing with BPD and A Breakup.
  • replies: 3

ThoughtsLast night I received a text from my girlfriend saying why we need to take a break and I agreed to it but a few minutes later, her friend texted me and said that this guy confessed to her and she accepted it. Immediately I had a strong urge t... View more

ThoughtsLast night I received a text from my girlfriend saying why we need to take a break and I agreed to it but a few minutes later, her friend texted me and said that this guy confessed to her and she accepted it. Immediately I had a strong urge to through my phone into my closet. I felt betrayed and enraged. 'She never loved me' I told myself. I went back to text my girlfriend saying that I know about this and that it was if 'she wanted to break up with me' and she responded saying that she 'fell out of it' and that she was sorry, saying she didn't want me to feel bad and that I was precious to her. She also said she would never ever hate me. But what I don't understand is, if you love someone, why in the world would you leave them? And I still don't understand that. I cried all night, my body aching, yet numb, my heart hurting and my mind, well, an emotional wreck. I knew what was the difference between love and infatuation, and I genuinely loved her and she felt the same way. I sacrificed so much for her. I cried and cried until my friends called me for 2 hours saying that they love me. When I went to school, I cried the whole the day and pretty much hugged everyone in the year group. I didn't see my... ex-girlfriend today because she had a mental breakdown and had to go home. I called her to give me her promise ring back and she did and I gave her all the letters and gifts she gave me. This was a year and a half worth of my life, gone. Now she has a boyfriend and now, I have no one. Even though I was extremely angry at her I still really love her. In the end, she still wants us to be friends, but it won't feel the same. She will never love me again, no one will ever love me. The last time I called her, I said 'I love you' for the last time. But she immediately said 'Bye.' And I spoke with her current boyfriend, and he's just so much better than me. He said that I should love myself for his sake. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want her to want me back. I want to feel her kisses and hugs and I want her to say 'I love you' again, even if it's just once. She was my first love, but I know there's no one better than her, and everyone is better than me. I feel like I have no future. I feel like I'm just living a lie. I just want someone to love me like that, why is that so hard? Why am I not good enough? Why am I a second choice? Because of this, I never want to fall in love again. Ever. Why doesn't she love me anymore? What should I do?

Rip_Curl Emotional week..
  • replies: 1

Living with myself must be a challenge some days... The last couple of weeks have been 'interesting'. Our dog had a superficial skin injury that required her to go under general anaesthetic to have stitches done. In the same week my partner sprains/s... View more

Living with myself must be a challenge some days... The last couple of weeks have been 'interesting'. Our dog had a superficial skin injury that required her to go under general anaesthetic to have stitches done. In the same week my partner sprains/strains his ankle after falling off the back of his work truck. Emotionally nerve-wracking. When it came to the end of the work week, I sat down with my partner and said that I just want to cry (regarding the events from the past week). His response was that he didn't want anyone to feel sorry for him and that he didn't want any emotional support. This caught me offguard initially, until I realised that it may have been his ego 'talking'. Nevertheless, it hurt that my empathy and consoling wasn't wanted/needed by him. The week following his emotional comment, I was quiet, he didn't talk much and it took everything in my willpower to stop myself from showing any emotion -I didn't know what to do until....I read a friends facebook post that it's 'ok' to 'feel and care' about someone/something. After reading that I went to my partner and said 'you can tell me to not care, but it doesn't work'. Up until that point he would sleep away from me, said that I could go (on my own) to visit my family in Brisbane and that he didn't have to go. Thought he was trying to get rid of me...that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was wrong....communication is important so that one's mindset doesn't run away with them.

Sometimes_at_a_loss Pregnant, moving house, partner suffering severe depression etc
  • replies: 4

Hi, My first time here but im at a loss at the moment. I feel a little lost. 1st of all we have building a house most of which the running around has been done by me. We are now nearing completion thankfully but we are also now expecting a baby in a ... View more

Hi, My first time here but im at a loss at the moment. I feel a little lost. 1st of all we have building a house most of which the running around has been done by me. We are now nearing completion thankfully but we are also now expecting a baby in a few weeks also. The baby was unplanned, not unwanted, but unplanned in fact we were trying to be careful given all the house stuff etc. But this lil tavker had other ideas. We have an 8yr old son as well. Anyway i am a type 2 diabetic as well as being over weight so the pregnancy is a high risk one amd in the beginning the doctor was pushing to get me into the clinic asap and ki da freaked me out a little. Now i realise the risks associated with my health issues, but i have found that i am now petrified of becoming hospitalised and things going wrong towards the end of it.... well any day now really. With all the added stress. Which in itself brings a higher risk of raised blood pressure, pre eclampsia etc My other half has had to change jobs to an area where he is miserable and even though he is a great guy, he is in no headspace to help me. Which sucks to put it nicely. So basically we are stuck living in A 6x6 room, the 3 of us and due to issues with the build have been here longer than intended. That is straining all our relationships in certain ways. And now to top it off my son is refusing to go to school. Im seriously stuck. Im trying to keep the stress levels down to take care of myself and this baby... while organising everything to finish the house, keep the other halfs head above water, keep the family happy, etc. I just dont know what to do anymore.

Emzxx Where do I go..
  • replies: 6

My fiancé abruptly left 3 months ago, she didn’t explain what was going on and it left me in a horrible position but somehow in her head it all made sense? mental health has always been on the cards and throughout our relationship I did mention thing... View more

My fiancé abruptly left 3 months ago, she didn’t explain what was going on and it left me in a horrible position but somehow in her head it all made sense? mental health has always been on the cards and throughout our relationship I did mention things she’s got terrible anxiety and OCD. She scared me by going to the police and we didn’t speak at all for 6 weeks, I then received a message saying she will be back at our house as per normal and this shocked me.. I said we need to have a talk before this happens and we did and everything started pouring our, we were both so sad and still loved each other very much. She tried to come back home and be normal and it just didn’t work and was traumatic for me because every time she left I couldn’t trust if she was coming back. Over the last two months it’s been a roller coaster, she’s told me she’s started seeing a psychologist and that she wants to transition home.. that never happen and now she just comes and stays when she wants. Finacially we each aren’t in a good spot and it’s been tough, she’s very irritable and can explode at the drop of a hat and I’m walking on eggshells. Her mind changes so easily and she says things that are so open to interpretation and it becomes difficult and ends in utter confusion. She’s now telling me we are just friends and that she wants to work on herself and I work on myself and we spend time together, last week we went to dinner and she stayed over and it ended in a fight because I had to bring up a couple of financial things. Shes constantly tried, she will tell me she’s just not having a good day and that she can’t talk to me, she’ll change her mind last minute, she’s always trying to process information and struggles to communicate. Things change constantly and it’s so difficult for me, I feel like I’m the closest person to her so I’m taking the brunt of her anger.. how can I effectively communicate with her and let her know even though I’m hurt it’s safe and that she’s loved without expectation? She feels pressure from absolutely anything and it’s very difficult for me to understand this. Im trying really hard to stand by her.

MisterM People at uni don't want to know me + my abusive mother
  • replies: 7

Hi, I haven't been on here for a while but lately things have been getting on top of me so I am back. I've been feeling depressed for 2 or so weeks because of people at uni avoiding me and just being unfriendly. I have tried, I say hello, I introduce... View more

Hi, I haven't been on here for a while but lately things have been getting on top of me so I am back. I've been feeling depressed for 2 or so weeks because of people at uni avoiding me and just being unfriendly. I have tried, I say hello, I introduced myself to a few people but people just avoid me, they'll walk past me and not say hello. If they see that I saw them they'll give a fake smile and their face just shows they don't want to talk to me. Or they give a hello that is cold in tone, not friendly. It's left me feeling so alone and hating myself because people don't want to know me. And I've been thinking about how my life is just aimless. I mean I am at uni and have one more year left then maybe postgrad but I just feel like it's not for me anymore. I don't know what my purpose or passion is. Also, my mother has been nasty to me lately. She keeps saying she is ashamed of me being 34, single with no kids. She is embarrassed that a couple on our street found out I am 34 with no wife and no kids after I spoke with them, it's caused her to become pretty hostile towards me. I've had enough. When noone wants to know you and dislike you at uni and also your mum is ashamed of you what does that say? This is keeping my mind off my uni work, I have exams coming up soon and cannot focus or bring myself to study because my mind is occupied with these issues I am having.