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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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ChrissyStar Why isn't anybody proud of me - why do they put me down instead?
  • replies: 2

Growing up, I often dealt with my mother interrogating me about topics I was offended at. She would start by passing the blame to my father & open the conversation up, with: "Your Father thinks that you...." and out with the shocking accusation. An e... View more

Growing up, I often dealt with my mother interrogating me about topics I was offended at. She would start by passing the blame to my father & open the conversation up, with: "Your Father thinks that you...." and out with the shocking accusation. An example of what would follow is: "...are a prostitute?" (before I had even had sex - at that very delicate time in a young lady's life). I'd be hurt because they were always massive put downs. I'd have to beg and plead my case, that I wasn't the horrible thing I was being accused of being or doing. Finally my mother would go "ok, I believe you" (as if she had been convinced of what Dad said and I had to then convince her of my innocence). It was tiring and emotionally damaging. As an adult - I am angry that my mother would even pass on such things & even worse, think maybe she was just being manipulative in some way. My teenage years were actually super hard and I became a major rebel (something which saw my life destroyed through drug addiction & the wrong kind of choices). I often consider the effect of these questions on my very early, formative years - did I believe that I was the bad, horrible monster I had always been told I was (that I had to beg and plead I was not).....did I finally give in and be the person I was painted as - or as close to this person as I could get? That would actually explain it all! Deep down, I have a really bad feeling = that this is the truth. After all, they were my parents - they are a major factor in who I become (what they want me to be = or who I am to them.) Now, as an adult - I fear I am repeating my childhood by attracting non-supportive people. I just think "Why can't anyone be proud of me?" & say something positive about my achievements? I've fought me whole life to never need others' supportive or appreciation (so that I can stand on my own 2 feet) - but sometimes I need it to get me through. And if I don't get it, I don't get through. How can I devise new ways of getting this support when my family fail me? Any suggestions or comments to help are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

oooverthinker :( boyfriend / porn
  • replies: 5

I get really sad and anxious over the thought of my boyfriend watching porn. Whenever he is home alone, all I can do is think about it. To set a context we have a healthy sex life and have only been together 7 months. We spend a lotttt of time togeth... View more

I get really sad and anxious over the thought of my boyfriend watching porn. Whenever he is home alone, all I can do is think about it. To set a context we have a healthy sex life and have only been together 7 months. We spend a lotttt of time together but I've found whenever I am not with him he will look at porn. I don't really have many insecurities (that I'm aware of) nor have I been single for more than a month in the past 8 years (I'm 24). I have talked to him about it and he said he will stop watching porn but I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't want to keep something from him that he must enjoy. I get really down about it daily, I've even been having nightmares and broken sleeps because of it. I try and make sure we spend as much time together as possible or try avid him being home alone (I am aware this is not healthy behaviour). I just want to stop thinking about this and feeling the way I do. If anybody has any advice on this please reach out.

Tia12 Lonely, family estrangement, few friends
  • replies: 5

It's been a tough week. I realise I don't have many friends and it seems definite my siblings do not wish for me to be a part of their life. I'm not sure if I want to continue my friendship with my closest friend. It feels scary as we share everythin... View more

It's been a tough week. I realise I don't have many friends and it seems definite my siblings do not wish for me to be a part of their life. I'm not sure if I want to continue my friendship with my closest friend. It feels scary as we share everything but I feel like he doesn't respect me. He never apologies when he has made an error but actually blames me - I said or did the wrong thing to cause him to react the way he did and therefore it's my fault. We have the same sense of humour, share everything and most times things are good. However in the past couple of weeks he has openly abused me in front of our work colleagues (yes we work together as well) and failed to turn up on a lunch date that was pre organised. I feel like he is trying to control me. If I do something that doesn't meet his standards or doesn't comply with his moral beliefs, then I'm a hypocrite or a fraud or he just gets angry with me. I haven't spoke to him since he swore at me at work 4 days ago even though we were suppose to go out yesterday. I'm sick of making the first move all the time to reconciliate the friendship. I feel if he doesn't make the effort this time, then we will no longer be friends. I'm just not sure if I can make a clean break. The other issue is that today my mum invited me to brunch with two of my siblings. My siblings organised to have brunch with mum and then mum later invited me without forewarning my siblings. I actually didn't think it was an issue as I thought my relationship with my sister and brother was ok even though we aren't close anymore. It turns out my sister told my mother she doesn't want me there, when she saw me she didn't say hello but told me we are going out, and then my mum sided with her. It was very hurtful. I really don't know why she felt that way and I don't know what I've done. We had coffee together in November and I invited her to play board games with us on Christmas Day. It now feels like my three siblings have all sided together against me. My relationship with my siblings has been good and bad over the years but it has gotten worse since my Dad passed away 6 years ago and Mum now has moved into a nursing home. I actually was trying not feel stressed and tense when I'm around them but this has just made it worse. It's obvious that most people close to me don't treat me with respect (including my teenage daughter). I'm not sure how to turn this around.

Leslee I've hated my mother for as long as I can remember. Please help.
  • replies: 1

My parents split when I was a kid. My younger sibling and I ended up with our mother. We don't see our father anymore, probably because of our mother. She is Negative, Stubborn and a wannabe Authoritarian (I say wannabe because my sibling and I are n... View more

My parents split when I was a kid. My younger sibling and I ended up with our mother. We don't see our father anymore, probably because of our mother. She is Negative, Stubborn and a wannabe Authoritarian (I say wannabe because my sibling and I are now both adults so though our mother may still try to control our personal preferences, she rarely succeeds, but it remains annoying nonetheless). I moved out from home not long after I turned 18 and could support myself. I used to visit once a week/fortnight but I haven't been back in months after the last visit. We had an argument over the amount of food she gave me. This may sound trivial but I've asked her literally thousands of times, in a serious tone, not to force so much food into my bowl (this has been ongoing at least since I moved out over 10 years ago). It upsets me because it demonstrates how stubborn she is and how controlling she wants to be, even though I am a perfectly healthy weight for my height. When we were young, she used to hit my sister when she didn't finish her meals. My sister got fat and she then had to buy her a bicycle. I did some online research which recommended counseling so I went and saw my GP who referred me to a psychologist. Explaining the situation to him actually made me feel worse as it seemed to justify my reasons for hating my mother (telling my friends I was never home when I was, going through my mail, and just the way she raised me in general). I ran out of things to talk about after a few sessions so I stopped seeing him. I appreciate my mother may have had a tough life but I don't think it's right to take one's pain out on others, let alone your own children. While it wouldn't be the end of the world if I never saw her again, I know that all this hatred will probably turn into guilt once she passes away because as stubborn as she is, she probably means well sometimes.

sodapopx Finding people to date
  • replies: 4

Hello everyone, I'd just like to share an experience that i've been having which is really frustrating me a lot. After dating a few people non-seriously and finally being done with them this past year, these past few months i've been wanting to meet ... View more

Hello everyone, I'd just like to share an experience that i've been having which is really frustrating me a lot. After dating a few people non-seriously and finally being done with them this past year, these past few months i've been wanting to meet someone new to date and hopefully become more serious with. The thing is I don't really meet any new guys in real life often, and if I do they're usually already in a relationship or they're already part of my social circle and we're just friends (one of my girl friends likes them, etc). For the past year i've tried a few dating apps and other apps for more specified interests, but the only people i've met on there that I really like live in other cities. There has been a couple that live here and that I am interested in and we have just started talking, but they don't seem to be interested in anything very serious or building a relationship. After going through some awful experiences with dating/guys i've liked in the past, I do want to take it a bit slower and know someone a fair bit and establish a basic sense of trust before meeting up. After my experiences i've also built some strong boundaries for myself, but I don't feel like anyone fits into these boundaries and it's becoming a disadvantage in really connecting with anyone. I've also never been in a proper serious relationship before and I feel like sometimes I don't know how this is suppose to form. I do want to experience and have this with another person but I also don't know where to meet guys in real life. (my uni course and hobbies are quite female-oriented and don't meet a lot of guys there.) I've been told by guys that i'm very attractive, but I don't feel like guys really approach me often in real life to talk in general, so I sometimes find it hard to believe. I can be quite shy with people when first meeting them, but I've been getting a lot better with this and most times when I do meet new people and they're friendly I feel quite comfortable to have a conversation with them. Any tips to meet new people will be much appreciated:)

Calv Hardest thing I ever did was saying goodbye,
  • replies: 1

Hey all. So last night I went to my ex’s and we spoke abit about why we split what lead to it and what the futures holds. It didn’t go as I wanted it to she said she still felt the same was and didn’t want to try make it work she said it’s easy to ge... View more

Hey all. So last night I went to my ex’s and we spoke abit about why we split what lead to it and what the futures holds. It didn’t go as I wanted it to she said she still felt the same was and didn’t want to try make it work she said it’s easy to get back into the relationship with me but it will just go back to what it was and we weren’t happy and she just doesn’t love me. Me on the other hand I love her to peices and after we spoke we got some fish and chips sat outside and ate them laughed made jokes and then went home and we said out final foodbyes. She seemed fine and happy and wants me to be happy she said will make her extremely happy to see me with a girl that makes me happy but she was the one that did that. We’re best Freinds and I think that’s why it’s so hard I’m not only loosing my partner but best freind We dated just under 4 years I don’t know how she can be so fine and no have one drop of sadness or anything. I told her I had to delete her off everything not becuase I want to I don’t want to get over her but I need to because if I see her move on before I make myself happy it will just cut me to deep and I won’t be able to cope. I have a great freinds group and heaps of support but as soon as im alone my mind runs a million thoughts a second or if I wake up in the middle of the night I just think about everything all the best moments we spent together. Now I just feel broken lost and no energy. I’m eating healthy and trying to exercise but I just feel so exhausted and muscles are aching. I know it will take time but it’s just so hard I just want it all over. Anyone know anything that I can take natural to make me feel better and help me along and help my acheing bones. Thanks all.

white knight In-laws, the best approach
  • replies: 3

2016 and the world is just as cruel to some as its ever been. With around 40% of marriages failing let's think zbout how many children lose one full time parent? How many of these children must endure a step parent they don't connect with? And how ma... View more

2016 and the world is just as cruel to some as its ever been. With around 40% of marriages failing let's think zbout how many children lose one full time parent? How many of these children must endure a step parent they don't connect with? And how many lose contact with their doting grandparents? The children and their grandparents relationship often is severed when patents split. I suggest ...what about the rights of the children to have ongoing contact with their grandparents and visa a versa.? I have my best mate and his wife, they have 3 kids under 8yo. They split 6 months ago. My friend was to have sole custody as his wife preferred a working career. When they went their separate ways my friend rang his mother in law and father in law, two people he didn't see eye to eye with. He told them that they had proven to be wonderful grandparents and there is no reason he could think of that would justify them not continuing their roles as they always had. This forward, uncommon gesture of fairness and respect resulted in his in-laws continuing a positive regular visitation régime that benefitted everyone. 3 months on and my friends marriage got patched up. When they discussed about reuniting his wife mentioned his maturity with "that phone call" to her parents as the catalyst to her decision to return. Based on this, if you have an estranged marriage and the grandparents are good at loving your kids, nurture that, give respect where its due and above all never deny your children their grandparents unless you are certain their safety is at risk. Ignore idiosyncrasies like too many lollies before dinner. Flex! Share your children to loving family. They are not part of ones arsenal to cause more hurt than what has already been created. Being kind, respectful and promoting good easy going communication with those that love your children is another way of you providing them with the best childhood they can have under the circumstances.

autumntrees Lonely...
  • replies: 2

I have just finished high school, and pretty much since year 7 I haven’t had any ‘real’ friends. I had really strong friendships in primary school and I regret letting them go (when they moved to other schools). I see all these ppl on social media en... View more

I have just finished high school, and pretty much since year 7 I haven’t had any ‘real’ friends. I had really strong friendships in primary school and I regret letting them go (when they moved to other schools). I see all these ppl on social media enjoying life with their best friends and it makes me really sad, I long for friendships that they have. To have someone to call, message, invite over, go places with... In my friend group, everyone is closer to each other than me. I am in tears most nights and I hate myself for so much self-loathing. This has made me start to question my qualities as a person and a friend, and it just gets me down, I consider myself a good-natured, kind-hearted person and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong - if anything.

Blitzzz Living with a pathological liar
  • replies: 4

20 years is a long time living with a pathological liar there’s no trust I don’t think there was ever any trust to begin with and It’s crippling my mental health had a massive meltdown in front of my kids today the worst ever could have been a mental... View more

20 years is a long time living with a pathological liar there’s no trust I don’t think there was ever any trust to begin with and It’s crippling my mental health had a massive meltdown in front of my kids today the worst ever could have been a mental breakdown, feeling excruciating guilty that my kids experienced this, I grew up in an unhealthy environment and I know exactly the trauma I caused to them I feel emotionally drained and physically exhausted I took medication to calm down i don’t know how to move on I feel trapped in this controlling marriage

Lissy14 Feeling desperately lonely and clinging to unhealthy relationship
  • replies: 4

I have been in a relationship for nearly 6 years. We were both married to others at the start. My marriage ended first (for numerous reasons, not the affair) and he stayed with his wife for longer as he was afraid of what she would do if he left (wit... View more

I have been in a relationship for nearly 6 years. We were both married to others at the start. My marriage ended first (for numerous reasons, not the affair) and he stayed with his wife for longer as he was afraid of what she would do if he left (with good reason). 18 months ago he did leave and his ex has made his life a nightmare ever since so now he is paralysed by fear and we can’t move forward together and are still living in secret. So we have been in limbo and unable to move forward. Because of the nature of the relationship (an extended secret affair), I isolated myself with my friends and I have no family living in this country. I am terrified of us breaking up because I am so scared of being on my own again, but I am so unhappy with this ‘partial life’ we have together. we fight constantly because i think deep down I want to force his hand to do something, and now we are on ‘a break’ for a month. I have no one to one to talk to about it and am feeling incredibly alone. I’m not susceptible to depression, but I am a serving police officer and am wary of PTSD and that this may tip me over the edge because I feel I’ve started to display some symptoms in withdrawing from the world around me and pushing him away by being very negative. When I do this I know it feeds his anxieties and he withdraws further into justifying his inaction (why rock the boat with his ex and kids if we can’t get ourselves together anyway) I know deep down this relationship isn’t good for me and hasn’t been for a long time but he’s my best friend and I’m devastated and don’t know how to move forward.