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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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GeneP An outside opinion on feelings of doubt with a 5 year relationship
  • replies: 1

I've been with my partner for 5 years since I was just out of high school. For the first few years of our relationship I was so blindly in love I never had any doubt that I wanted to be with them, but over the past few years as I have matured a bit a... View more

I've been with my partner for 5 years since I was just out of high school. For the first few years of our relationship I was so blindly in love I never had any doubt that I wanted to be with them, but over the past few years as I have matured a bit and started to think about what I really need from a relationship (especially in the long-term if we stay together) feelings of doubt about the relationship have started to grow. I'm a very emotional and sensitive person and most of my feelings of doubt about the relationship stem from me feeling my partner doesn't care about me as much as they should or at least doesn't show me they care as much as I need . Every day I tell them I love them, ask them how their day was and I make sure I ackowledge and say thank you for things they have done around the house, whereas my partner has never asked me how my day was (this seems trivial but I really notice) and I feel they don't take an interest in me or what is going on in my life. It's really started to affect my self-esteem and acceptance and makes me feel like I just want a partner who cares about my life and is there for me when I am overwhelmed with life and am going through a stressful time. We recently bought a house together and since my partner is quite a bit older than me they have started to talk about getting married and having kids in the next few years. I honestly don't know if I even want to have children and definitely not in the near future. I think it's unfair for me to go on with this relationship if I'm having these feelings of doubt and my partner wants to start taking these next steps with their life that I am not ready for. Most of the time I love this person and can't imagine myself with anyone else but I just don't know if I can get over their issues with intimacy and being unable to be as emotionally supportive as I need. I know these issues would just get worse if we were to have children together. Do you think this is something someone can work on? Or are some people just less emotional than others? I want to work through this if it's possible but i just can't see a way at the moment. Any outside opinions or experiences from those in a similar situation on this would be helpful. Thankyou

Troy75 My Wife has depression and my support is like a ghost...
  • replies: 6

HELP! I need advice about becoming a more supportive husband... I have finally realized I need help. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and I have done nothing to support her for 15 years. Our marriage is like a yo-yo. We can go days without spe... View more

HELP! I need advice about becoming a more supportive husband... I have finally realized I need help. My wife suffers from depression/anxiety and I have done nothing to support her for 15 years. Our marriage is like a yo-yo. We can go days without speaking or even looking at each other to a normal relationship of love and caring united front. The picture of our world to others would look perfect. I run a very successful business which allows my wife to be a homemaker, with school drop/pick-up for our children. She is a delight to people around her, the best daughter, sister and friend to all. However it is a mask... I get the raw end of deal, I get the moods, the yelling, the BS! So I just turnoff, I cannot deal with it. For 15 years I have been a silent partner when the depression comes, the worry hits her face... I run for the door and escape. Or I fight it and tell her to get over it and relax, it is no big deal... how wrong am I... Little things trigger this, from wanting to give away the kids baby car seat, to a disagreement about the smallest thing like coffee .... everything comes back to a fight about her and now my condition of mental health. I say we aren't helping each other and the yo-yo effect kicks in. I just don't understand it, why does this matter? I find myself resenting her, she is too much for me?? I question it consistently... . I am out making the dollars why she is home in her world without any agendas.... I have found myself looking at her and my feelings are not nice..my reactive behaviors are becoming sarcastic and hurtful to us both .. I made a promise "In sickness and in health..." so to commit and change I desperately need advice. I dislike speaking to the professionals as they have never experience what I am going through, or more importantly my wife is. I would rather get experienced people who have or are getting through this.... this forum may throw up some much needed education. Thanks for reading.

Kate_Palais My husband has anxiety and I'm struggling
  • replies: 1

My husband has anxiety and low self-esteem. We usually get on fine and communicate well, but I really struggle when he is suffering from an acute episode. I want to support him, but frequently end up feeling hurt and upset myself. In these episodes, ... View more

My husband has anxiety and low self-esteem. We usually get on fine and communicate well, but I really struggle when he is suffering from an acute episode. I want to support him, but frequently end up feeling hurt and upset myself. In these episodes, he perceives something in my every-day words or actions as malicious, or he hears something insulting in my tone of voice that I'm sure isn't there (at least it's certainly not intended). Things that he usually wouldn't raise an eyebrow over now end up with him feeling outraged by my "callousness", or listing every negative thing I've ever done, and no amount of apologising or reasoning can calm him down. I feel attacked for my normal behaviour that I can't comprehend could be perceived as hurtful or insulting. I want to be supportive, but at the same time I feel like I'm just leaving myself open to being hurt and attacked for something that I feel is perceived on his end rather than given on mine. I attribute this to his anxiety as when he's feeling better and calmer he apologises for his behaviour, and says he had been feeling stressed at the time. I still find it hard to get over the hurt that lingers from his words after these episodes end. I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice. Thanks.

Nan-nan Brother-like friend no longer has time
  • replies: 2

I live alone, have no partner, job ¬ much family support, am awkward around most people but make self socialise ev. day even if that's just gym or coffee. I have a few friends I rely on that I catch up w' regularly. One of them is like a brother, we'... View more

I live alone, have no partner, job ¬ much family support, am awkward around most people but make self socialise ev. day even if that's just gym or coffee. I have a few friends I rely on that I catch up w' regularly. One of them is like a brother, we've been friends15 yrs.He recently got a demanding job, and is studying. He used to have time for me & has said on many occasions that our friendship matters to him. As well as that he has started advising me on my mental health issues. I think I shouldn't have OK-ed that because there now seem to be conditions on the friendship. He said I need counselling once a week for a year or more, and have people in place to check in with. Very sensible ideas, and he offered to be one of those check-in people. I started looking for a counsellor and we started doing this regular email exchange thing but that stopped because he has no time now. He tells me I need to let go of my fear, (he doesn't say what of) but I wonder if maybe he needs to let go of his need to make me into the person he thinks I should be - even if being that person would make me happier. He's not my teacher or my shrink. He is my friend. Or at least I hope he still is. I would be devastated if he stopped bothering to contact me like he has been doing all these years, but that's what seems to be happening. Friendships change, people change, people move away from each other sometimes. I know that, but I am keeping myself together partly by knowing my friends are there for me. Is that really so much to ask? I'm there for them as well, doesn't that mean anything? I need to learn to have conversations with more people, make more friends. Because the first Q so many people ask you is "What do you do", I have to say, well, I don't have a job but.... But by the time I have said that much, you can see the look on the other person's face. The connection is over before it has even been made, it happens all the time. I am involved in a few community groups and garden for people as well as my own garden. Even so I feel so empty when something happens to make me doubt that someone important thinks well of me. I have been to psychologist but she is 140Ks away. Am on waiting list to see another counsellor closer to where I live. In the meantime I have taken up meditation and will endeavour to do that every day for the rest of my life. They say it really helps.

ChunkyTom An extremely difficult break up
  • replies: 12

My depression caused me to lose someone extremely important to me. In June 2017 I met who I consider to be the love of my life. She was a newly single woman who had just separated from her long term husband. She was tall, blonde, career driven and ab... View more

My depression caused me to lose someone extremely important to me. In June 2017 I met who I consider to be the love of my life. She was a newly single woman who had just separated from her long term husband. She was tall, blonde, career driven and absolutely stunning. She was unlike any one I had ever met before. She was intelligent, witty and so incredibly sexy. She was special. Our relationship continued for the best part of a year. It was full of love, indulging and laughs but also a lot of heartache. We grew extremely dependent on each other for everything. We broke up so frequently only to apologise and go back to exactly the same behaviors the next day and pretend everything was fine. This was mostly due to our unresolved personal issues projected onto each other. This was mostly because we threw ourselves in the deep end by living in each others pockets almost instantly. I grew jealous and insecure like I always did. I craved her validation. She was snowed in with the pressure her divorce was having over her. Her ex partner was a nasty human who wanted to ruin her financially. I was so fixated on keeping this relationship together I forgot to look after myself and the other aspects of my life that I cared about. She talked about breaking up with me to focus on settling her divorce but I resisted. I couldn’t even begin to imagine a world without her. I resorted to behaviors I am not proud of. I would threaten suicide or I would hint to leaking secrets that could threaten the outcome of her divorce and career. I had become worse to her than her ex husband. She loved me with all her heart and she cared about me, but she knew what we were doing to each other wasn’t healthy. On top of all that she was now scared what I would do to myself or her. We remained in our toxic relationship. To cut a long story short she eventually decided enough was enough and asked for space. I unfortunately was unable to give it to her and pushed her away to a point where she now wont speak to me. I have used the time (1 month) to focus on my mental health. I have become extremely self aware of my underlying issues and have started to rewrite some of my core beliefs. Unfortunately I still feel a lot of pain towards losing her. Not a day goes past when I don't think about her or want to call her to apologise for just how bad I was. I know it is still too soon. I also know its possible we may never get back in contact again. What do I do?

LeeA18 Feeling exhausted
  • replies: 3

Hi I left an extremely stressful job over a month ago and my relationship broke up a month before that, but ended ambicably because of his mental health (or so I thought). Fast forward to now, I still feel absolutely heartbroken, depressed and anxiou... View more

Hi I left an extremely stressful job over a month ago and my relationship broke up a month before that, but ended ambicably because of his mental health (or so I thought). Fast forward to now, I still feel absolutely heartbroken, depressed and anxious and just soooo extremely burnt out. I have been talking to a psych and have just changed to a new one. I went overseas on a holiday, which I thought would help me relax and it did to some degree. My ex has been hurtful, don't know if he realises that he has been or not. We were pretty good friends and then it just became a one way relationship where he only contacted me when he wanted something. He has now completely removed me from his life, which is hard to take. He has also lied to me about stuff and has been useless when it comes to communicating to me about problems and so I don't have much closure. I am someone that would rather be told the truth then to be told a lie to protect my feelings and then I find out that it is a lie. I also think he played with my head quite a bit after the break up, which just really wore me down and still plays with my mind quite a bit. I can't seem to stop thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been doing a little bit of work to try and get my mind off things but the job is so mundane that I get tired before lunch time and I just want to sleep and I have no motivation to ask for more work. I just feel like this dark cloud is hovering over me and will not lift. I know it all takes time but I am becoming more and more frustrated with how I am feeling. I want to be happy again but it just seems like so much effort. Truthfully, I don't think I ever want to be in a relationship again. It is worse now because of the burn out from my old job that I am trying to recover from. My health is not good at all. I have a disease that has started to flare up. My entire body aches. I have lost weight. I have little motivation to actually do anything including cooking. I feel neuseas. All I want to do is sleep. I am actually thinking that I might need to go to the hospital this weekend if I continue being like this. I am seeing a psych tomorrow. Hopefully he will be able to help me further. I have anti-depressants prescribed to me but I have been trying to do it on my own but I just don't think I can anymore so I started those this morning. Thank you for letting me vent again lol.

unicornprincess29 How often is too often?
  • replies: 7

Hey all, just curious on people’s thoughts as to how often is too often to think about what life would be like/if you’d be happier without your partner? (Not necessarily because you have someone else you want to be with). I understand it’s natural fo... View more

Hey all, just curious on people’s thoughts as to how often is too often to think about what life would be like/if you’d be happier without your partner? (Not necessarily because you have someone else you want to be with). I understand it’s natural for some people to have these sorts of thoughts every so often, but how often does it have to be before it becomes attributed to an obvious issue in the relationship?

Washappyonce Lost..
  • replies: 3

On mother’s day I found out my ex had been cheating on me for 4 years with his best friend from school. We have been together 24 years 3 children. I am still struggling. He told me he never loved me our life was a mistake she’s his soulmate and he sh... View more

On mother’s day I found out my ex had been cheating on me for 4 years with his best friend from school. We have been together 24 years 3 children. I am still struggling. He told me he never loved me our life was a mistake she’s his soulmate and he should have always been with her he said we weren’t in the same social class he’s a private school kid I was public, my family isn’t wealthy his is well off. After I found out and kicked him out my younger girls told me that he had been secretly meeting up with her and her children whilst taking my kids out. Then my eldest son informed me he has been bad mouthing me to him for years. I was completely blindsided my children don’t want anything to do with him. I am trying to hold it together barely as he’s all I’ve known he was my first and only love and to be told it was all a lie and a mistake is hurtful. Im trying to cope keep a smile on my face but it is extremely hard. He has told everyone we mutually agreed to seperate as it wasn’t working out and I’m sick of having to explain the truth. I have a good day then I have a lot of really bad days. I feel so alone and I’m trying my hardest to put on that brave face for my kids sake. I know everyone says time heals but he’s all I’ve known my whole life we have grown up together I don’t want to see my friends because I can’t bear going out without him I feel so stupid and embarrassed and ashamed that people know he’s never loved me and he’s left for me for his so called soul mate. What hurts more is there was no signs our sex life was great our life was great or so I thought. I just want to feel normal and not so insecure I feel like I don’t trust anyone anymore that anything anyone says to me is a lie after what he’s done when do these feelings go away. My children have a lot of anger and hate towards him as well and I’m struggling to try and make them try and see him because part of me knows it’s not right he’s still their dad but part of me is angry that he has used my children as a cover to cheat it’s all a big mess

Spring2016 Much needed advice to move on
  • replies: 4

Thanks in advance for any advice given. To make a long story short, early this year I commenced an affair with my “childhood sweetheart” sorry couldn’t think of another term that is not so cliché….. Anyway, I ended the affair a month ago, (we have no... View more

Thanks in advance for any advice given. To make a long story short, early this year I commenced an affair with my “childhood sweetheart” sorry couldn’t think of another term that is not so cliché….. Anyway, I ended the affair a month ago, (we have not been in contact) as much as I desperately wanted to end my marriage and be with this man, I decided to be realistic and do the right thing by my husband and child, and not get all romantic comedy about it. My husband does not know – and as much as I want to tell him – I won’t subject myself to the judgement and ridicule of our family and friends – if I knew that I could tell my husband and it would remain between him and I then I would not hesitate in telling him. What I need help with please is, I still think about this man everyday, I am still very much in love with him, and I still want to be with him. How do I get over him and move on with my husband….? thanks again for any advice.

Lass Hello to all.
  • replies: 3

Hello to those who care. I've had the most hellish past years. Son with chromosomal disorde, I've beat a rare form of cancer, ex cheating on me; and exiting the family; offering no support. My beloved father has just passed away. I truly wonder what ... View more

Hello to those who care. I've had the most hellish past years. Son with chromosomal disorde, I've beat a rare form of cancer, ex cheating on me; and exiting the family; offering no support. My beloved father has just passed away. I truly wonder what I did to be dealt this treatment!!