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How to manage when your only support doesn't support you

paranoid_android
Community Member

I'm a 33 year old male who has suffered from depression and anxiety since my early 20s. Thanks to my issues I don't really have any meaningful relationships or support in my every day life. There is currently one person who's opinion of me matters, someone I'd been seeing for the last 4-5 years. I'm not sure what we are now.

Background information - We live in the same share house but in separate rooms. We still have a physical relationship from time to time but she's said that she has given up on caring about my problems. Despite this she is still the only real connection I have with another person.

As stated she has said she no longer cares about my struggle with depression. From her perspective it would be due to having spent several years with me and seeing little to no improvement. It's not like I willingly choose to be like this but she would probably say that I do. She says that she is depressed and manages to get on with life, that she knows other people with depression who are dealing with it and coping. I told her that im pretty certain that I have Dysthymia but apparently thats just another label to hide behind. I don't know whether this is supposed to inspire me or something but all it does is make me feel like crap and judged. It just makes me want to shut down (which I almost did before coming to post this here and I probably will after posting). She has made this sentiment before. This time I've just come back from a holiday and we were talking and she asked what I was doing this week. I mentioned that I was looking into contacting Wellways in relation to depression support and she went on to say about how I'd already been back for 2 days and should have already done it - then into the speech about how great other people are and how bad I am. I shot back though by telling her that the only reason she pushes herself so hard is because if she stopped she'd fall apart, which is true and no healthier than where I'm at really.

Anyway I guess I'm just rambling on now. I'm still going to be getting into contact with Wellways to seek help. It's just hard when the only person that matters to you makes you feel terrible. If I tried telling her about how it impacts me she'd just argue back against it.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

This forum is successful because of people like you that post here for help and can talk about your issues with others that know precisely what your are enduring. This semi partner you have even though she does have depression issues doesn't mean she has the patience nor empathy to really assist you on a regular basis.

Most of us dwell on our mental health. We have so many hurdles to overcome like motivation, employment, depression, anxiety and a host of others like fear. I suggest this person has run her course on listening and wants to live life more free from the topic of conversation around mental health. For her its like an anchor.

So I think if you had professionals to talk to, this forum and other outlets and left the topic of your mental health alone until she actually asked you ...eg initiated a conversation about it, you might find she will respond.

I have bipolar, depression and dysthymia. Dysthymia, a low mood constant depression for me (and it might be different to you) is responsible for gross sadness. That's the best way I can explain it. Since correct diagnosis in 2009 I've grown to accept my illnesses as part of my character which is far better than dwelling on it all the time without progress.

Here is some threads that might help. You only have to read the first post of each. Use google-

Beyondblue topic sad all the time? dysthymia

Beyondblue topic do we expect a smooth road in life

Beyondblue topic inner peace the glory of being YOU

Beyondblue topic do you talk too much about your problems?

Beyondblue topic motivation, search and rescue it

Beyondblue topic depression and the timing of motivation

Beyondblue topic switching mindsets

I hope they help. If you'd like to repost and comment please do.

TonyWK

Sarra
Community Member

Hello paranoid android,

Im very sorry that you are being made to feel bad for a condition you would never choose to have. My mother suffers from bipolar and I have seen her struggle, regress and go through cycles of medication Andy therapy to keep herself afloat. It's a long journey but it's different for everyone how long it takes.

My mums ex husband from what I hear, was a little like this woman you are talking about. I don't think she sounds supportive at all....it sounds like she wants you to get better by her terms with little regards for the pace you want to take for your OWN journey. The last thing she should be doing is putting you down when you're actually trying to advance forward with finding help. It's not fair to be put down when you have come to a decision to help yourself. At the end of the day, it all comes down to you.

I don't know much about this woman but it almost sounds like there's some animosity there because you didn't get better whilst you were in the relationship.

Make the change when you know you are ready and maybe it's best she stays uninvolved. The last thing you need is someone telling you, you should have done it sooner or quickly. It's your burden to carry and it's harder for you inside then it is for anyone else. I don't think she's the kind of person who is really supportive, she needs to step back and acknowledge you are taking action without the vitriol. Mental health isn't like a broken bone, it a process and hard work. My mum has been through it for 20 years she found an amazing partner and has 2 kids with him. He supports her in every way, goes to the pharmacy in the middle of the night to get her medication and makes sure she has the time to get to her appointments by looking after the kids or even skipping work when she is ill.

You can do this and I think it's better building yourself up then relying on someone who knocks you down every time. Meditate, do what makes you happy and when you find that happiness in yourself the right person will come along. I really believe it will get better when you begin to let go of the people who aren't willing to even stand by your side while you figure out this journey. You deserve so much better and I wish you the best in finding help and inner peace.