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Husband left me after 24 years

VRC
Community Member

Hi everyone,

My 47 year old husband of 24 years is having an affair and has decided to leave me for her. She’s a 33 year old woman with a 6year old he's never met.I am 10 years older than my husband and I was blindsided and absolutely devastated. I never thought he would have an affair let alone leave me as he was a man with a strong moral code and would always stand up against injustice. I was initially reluctant to have a relationship with him due to our age difference but he pursued me persistently and promised to love and look after me till the end of time. He would profess undying love and appreciation of being with me publicly and on his Facebook. How is it that someone can love you so deeply but then completely turn around and say that he doesn’t love me or feel anything for me anymore?So in 6 short weeks he has moved out and I have had to pick up the pieces of my life. He’s cast aside his adult son and disconnected from his grandchildren- preferring to play dad to his lover’s 6 year old dad The OW has also broken up her marriage and is going to court with her husband to fight for custody and property.We do not have any property or significant savings and at 57 years old I am left feeling abandoned and frightened. I never thought I would be in this position at this age and am shattered at his betrayal and his haste to separate and leave me so quickly and plunging me in a financial hole. I know it will take along time for me to recover- it is very difficult to be alone after having someone around for such along time I am struggling particularly at night when everyone’s gone home. My hubby is gone- in its place is a cold unemotional person who now wears pink shirts, expensive cologne. I can’t even imagine anyone touching me-I cannot understand how he can hold her ,kiss her and have intimate relations with her when we have been together for so long. tonight is very hard as I haven’t seen him for 3 weeks now-the longest I have been physically away from him through our life This non contact everyone says will be better for me is still very painful. I guess he s now focusing his romantic energies on the OW andnot even look back It just feels so callous and cruel.My friends and family think I’m doing so well-but inside I’m all cut up and ground down.Sometimes I think I’m going to lose it and it takes enormous effort to bring myself out of it I am frightened that I won’t be able to keep doing this over a period of time.i just want this pain to stop

4 Replies 4

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello VRC

24 years of marriage...Its hard to find the words....because there arent any.....at this time...May I ask when you found out? I fell apart in 2015 after being dumped after a six month relationship...24 years..I am so sorry VRC

Firstly...do you have a support network available to you? Even one person to lean on would be a huge help with what you are going through VRC...seriously. Do you have an understanding GP that you can confide in maybe using a double appointment?

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you VRC. There are many gentle people that can be here for you during this period of grieving.

Forgive me for the questions VRC....Its just so we can provide you with more effective support

my kind thoughts for you and your son and grandchildren in this awful dark time

Paul

VRC
Community Member
I am very lucky that I have a wide range of friends who are supporting me- they rallied around and ring me to check in on me. My doctor is wonderful and has referred me to a mental health plan and I am getting counseling. But I still feel the pain The way I found out was that he kept saying that we don’t talk anymore over a period of weeks. And then the penny dropped. And I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. And he wouldn’t respond. He said he’d come home and talk to me. That night When he said he didn’t love me my anymore my heart broke. I asked him to go couselling. He agreed he said to respect the 24 years. Then I had to ask him if he was seeing anyone. And he said I can’t lie to you. Yes he said. And I had to ask him if he had slept with her. He said only once. ONLY ONCE! He took a day off from work to romance and to sleep with her. My husband- a liar, a cheat. I wanted to die that night.

Hello VRC

It is so difficult to put any words down that might be of any comfort to you. Such a difficult time for you. Please do not try and go through this alone and try and seek some professional assistance. It is not overstating the experience to say that it is a significant trauma that you are having to deal with. My heart goes out to you. I have personally experienced two relationships now where firstly my ex husband and then my next significant relationship both left me to be with women 10 years younger than me. So painful. All I can say is try and be kind to yourself and take one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour. I found getting out of the house and walking to music helped me...sometimes I would walk for a few hours and sometimes it would be a shorter walk...but it was good to break the torment. I am sure there are many other people here who like me are thinking of you and wishing you all the best in your recovery from this...

VRC
Community Member

I have been doing lots of walking. Sometimes I walk twice a day-it stops me from going insane. And gets me out of the house. It’s all the subterfuge- the constant discussion about our financial future while he was seeing the OW. Leasing an expensive house in September last year but he was making plans to leave me. We have had to break the lease and bleeding money. He’s moved out but I’m still here waiting for someone to pick up the tenancy.T least he’s paying half the rent. He doesn’t have much savings and no assets. I don’t understand why a young woman with a child and property would want a penniless older man?its so crazy He said his deceased father regretted not divorcing his mother as he was unhappy. I didn’t even know he was unhappy- we never quarreled or fought I thought we were just so comfortable with each other. I think he’s in a mid life crisis. He said he felt old and balding and he got onset diabetes last year which scared him.

Im trying to keep it together but it s so hard.