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Sexless Marriage and Depression

WhatGoesHere_
Community Member

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

97 Replies 97

Hello Cleveland11 and Readytoleave, I have been in exactly the same position as you have, and the problem is intensified even when you both go out and the wife pays a lot of attention to someone else, and this can happen in reverse, but that's not what we are talking about.

The more we do to please our other half, won't go unnoticed, but not the way we hoped we were expecting, and this doesn't necessarily mean having sex, only being paid some loving affection, this is something that's ignored because they believe it could lead to being intimate.

By having an affair only widens the gap between the two of you, it may solve this problem, but then you have to try and hide or cover up what you've been doing and worsen the situation.

The reason why we post on this site is to get understanding, empathy and others experience, that's why it has been created and why it's been going for so long, and being a volunteer on the forums for 18 years, it has helped so many people and we're not professionals.

Take care.

Geoff.

Guest909
Community Member

Hi EM

Your response to Readytoleave was a little harsh; it lacks understanding, compassion, and minimises a serious problem. The problem is not gender specific, but the antidotal evidence would suggest it is a bigger problem for married men.

I know exactly what, readtoleave, cleveland11 and many others are talking about; add my name to the "Me Too Movement".

My story was very similar to all the others; the only difference being that my 30 year marriage produced no children (wife's decision). Without rehashing the same feelings of frustration; the same feelings of rejection; the same feelings of forlorn; let me tell you what happened at the end of my marriage; I think it is relevant.

The last 10 years of my marriage was a sexless marriage; the 5 years prior to that was not much better. I learnt to accept the situation; my wife's wellbeing/happiness; my marriage, was more important to me than sex. Life went on for another 15 years.

Now, here's the rub; when we separated I asked the question why? In response, I got the following paradoxical answers

  • I was told I was oversexed, and
  • There was no affection between us

Cutting to the chase, there is no easy fix to the problem of sexless marriage. The issue is complex and the solution generally out of reach. A divorce; an affair; inaction; only adds another layer of complexity.

Readytoleave
Community Member

Hi guys and gals,

Don't be too hard on ecomama as she made some very valid points, and ecomama I appreciate the feedback and your perspective on mine and others situations (it is helpful) And yes psychologist is what I meant (my bad)

After reading all the helpful replies I honestly think that I should have left the word sex out of my posts altogether as affection is what I am missing (of course sex is part of that and here lies the problem)

Of course I don't want to cheat (I wouldn't know where to start to tell you the truth) and deep down still love my partner (this makes it even harder to know what to do)

Anyway I am feeling better getting things off my chest and will take on all the advice given as I decide what I am going to do moving forward.

And finally I would like to apologise to emmen for replying with a post written out of anger (as the first post was to) when I know you were only giving advice and suggestions (which I have taken on after reading your post again several times in a calmer frame of mind)

I will continue to follow this forum and take all the positive and helpful suggestions you guys give out (including you ecomama and I am so happy for you with your new life) and might even post occasionally with an update.

Thanks again and keep up the good work because it helps

Hello Readytoleave,

I apologise if I had come across as insensitive. I did initially think the problem was all about sex, but having read your later posts, I realise it goes deeper than that.

There's this book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate". It outlines 5 ways in which love and affection is expressed. They are: words of affirmation, quality time, giving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. I'm sure all are important to some degree, but people prioritise these in different degrees. I have met couples where each person prioritises a different thing, and one party sometimes ends up feeling unloved because their partner does not speak in their love language.

In doing household chores and cooking for you, it seems like your wife expresses love through acts of service. But your love language is different, perhaps physical touch, like a hug or a kiss. It may be worth getting a copy of that book and doing the quiz they have on their website to see how both of you view love and affection. That could be a basis for both of you to talk about what you need to feel loved. After all, to actually feel loved is different from knowing that you're loved - it seems to be that you know the latter, but it's the former that you're struggling with.

I do hope things work out for you.

Warmly,
M

I am just leaving a sexless marriage after almost 16 years ...this is a form of abuse it is a crime against a spouse ...

Goddessme
Community Member

It shouldn’t be like begging For love and pleasure. We have one life and nobody nobody has the right to take away our human rights in the name of marriage. My sexless marriage started 2 to 3 months after our wedding and lasted till now... I hold myself responsible for not running away from the first year

Regardless, don't stay in a sexless marriage ...very unhealthy physically emotionally and mentally

It aches my heart to listen to people who have been trapped in a sexless relationship. We are victims ! we are abused robbed of our right to consummate marriage...Most of us are people who endured sexless marriages have good qualities otherwise we could have left or cheated.
Soon I will have my divorce papers ...

I empathise, my wife turned it off after 2 months into the marriage about 34 years ago. Maybe once every couple of months after that. She had a child from a previous relationship and I added two more. I thought I would be her knight in shining armour and rescue her from the insecurities of her past relationships. However, that was not to be, the months moved onto years and decades and now i don't even care anymore. She is a pleasant enough person but a terrible wife. Nevertheless, I made my bed and now I will lie in it, it's not worth the effort to change now. Still it does have some advantages, you can be pleasant without all the bs of being in a relationship. It makes you stronger living life on your own terms. I look at my wifes with their and arguably better relationships, but I some ways I'm happy with the way things turned out. One thing though don't believe all this nonsense advice about being MR Nice Guy, women hate beta men. If they are not "into you" anymore, that's their choice. Be a reasonable person but don't give up your dignity for sex.